He's Left His Wife But...

I have been working at my work place for 11 months. It became obvious 6 months ago that one of my married work colleagues had developed feelings for me. He constantly hung around my office area during his lunch. I steadfastly ignored him. Even some of my co-workers noticed and commented on the crush he had on me. I am a friendly person and talk to everyone. I do not think I led him on.

Finally a few afternoons ago after our work Christmas lunch (no alcohol allowed) he approached me and we began talking. We talked for 3 hours. He told me that he had had feelings for me for 9 months and that he had left his wife 6 months ago because he felt I would not be interested in a married man. I knew he had split from his wife but did not realize it was his idea or that it was because of me. He told me that he had been unhappy for a long time and that the only reason he had stayed was because the children were young. He felt that he could leave now that they were older and had done so. Facts I know for certain 1. He has genuinely left his wife. I did not just hear that from him. It has come up in different conversations people were having in the office over the last 6 months. 2. It was his idea to split from his wife. Once again from office conversation as well as him. 2. His divorce is underway Some of the staff know him very well as he has been there a long time and they were discussing his divorce which is underway. He verified it. 3. I am not just the latest in a long line. Some of my work colleagues (including the boss who he plays golf with) are very surprised by his behaviour because he has worked there for over 10 years and has never done anything like this before. Needless to say he wants a relationship. Should I get involved? He is extremely handsome and we can obviously talk for hours. Will he eventually go back to his wife?
Mellys Mellys
8 Responses Jan 18, 2010

I am in a similar situation. I met a man after 25 years by pure chance that I dated when we were 17-20. We were each others first love and only separated because we were too young to settle and distance as we attended different universities and then I moved away. Iv been divorced about 5 years he was leaving his wife. We didn't start a relationship until he had moved out of his family home. BUT.... After telling me he loves me, wants to spend the rest of our lives together, talking about getting a home together, booked a holiday together etc etc .... He went back to his wife last week because (as he said) the kids weren't coping. They are 17 and 14. I'm devastated. But it just proves they are not yours unless they are divorce. She just be careful.

I would say from what you wrote that he truly loves you, but he also loves his children, and I really admire him for putting them first. They will soon be 18 and should do better then, maybe. This is a really tough situation for everybody. Take it easy, take care of yourself, and see what happens. Good luck.


I met a man in a very similar situation. But I knew him and went out with him previously from 17-20 years old. We separated then because of distance when we started university. We met by chance 30 years later and I should say iv been divorce by now for about 5 years. We feel in love again. However last week he went back to his wife as (he has said) his kids aren't coping. They are 17 and 14....... so be careful. No matter how sure you are about a separated man he isn't yours and won't be yours in any situation unless he's divorced. He can return home at any time.

How about it's a little psychotic to do all those things for someone that doesn't even have a clue you are interested? How well can he know you? How can he know you are worth destroying his marriage over? I am not recommending an affair at all or even saying don't see him. But, he puts the responsibility of leaving his marriage on you, what kind of crap is that? Whether he left because the marriage was bad, he was unhappy, just changed his mind or whatever his reason maybe it is 100% his responsibility. He needs to take that responsibility. You need to have lunch, talk on the phone alot, let his divorce get final and let him recover a little from that. Divorce is devastating and has an affect on you know matter how much you want out or are in love with someone else. <br />
Maybe it was love at first sight and this time you are the exception. Just don't get in hurry. Good luck!

Only 1% of relationships survive, when a married / separated man wants to get involved with someone else. 99% of men never leave their wives, or go back to them in the end. <br />
<br />
Your case falls right within that 1% criteria! He left his wife within 1 year of meeting you. He filed for a divorce. HE took actions necessary to be with you, without disrespecting his wife and without disrespecting you by drawing you into an affair.<br />
<br />
It all tells me that he will do whatever it takes to be with you! I'd say he's a keeper. <br />
<br />
Just be sure YOUR relationship does not fall apart. MarriageBuilders.com is a great resource to keep it together forever.

If you have feelings for him and IF you want to have a relationship with him, please wait until the divorce is final. Divorce does funny things to our emotions. I wanted my divorce very much. There was someone waiting in the wings for me whom I loved very much and wanted to be with. Even in all of that, there were times when I missed my husband and wondered if I had done the right thing. I wouldn't want you to be hurt in this and it could happen.<br />
Hang on until the divorce is final and then go for it.

Hi, <br />
I see 2 potential issues. One, your question as to will he return to his wife. It happens. Sometimes the reality of a divorce shocks the other person into action because if there is ever going to be a time to make changes and win back your spouse its now. That is unpredictable and people have recommended that a divorcee should be given x amount of time before you get involved with them. Love can wait awhile if need be. <br />
<br />
The second issue is why did the marriage fall apart. It takes 2 to make a marriage. More than likely he is at fault for some of their problems. Did he try to communicate with her. Did he try to work it out. Did he seek counselling and advice. How committed was he to trying to work it out? Why is this important? Because whatever his faults may have been, they can carry forward into the next relationship along with the baggage of a failed marriage. Divorce has an impact on us. <br />
<br />
I speak from some experience as I am in a dead marriage. I am here until the children all graduate high school. I have tried for 20 years to get her to want to improve our marriage vice enduring all the mind games and finally infidelity on her part. I have 4 1/2 more years to live with this and I know should I meet someone now or in the future, they should be asking these questions about me and whether to take the chance on a potential relationship. I'm also not looking for a relationship. I have always been one to seek friendship. A relationship will develop on its own later and I know until I officially separate a relationship would even be more complicated given my situation and even then I currently don't plan to divorce, but I'll be long gone and away from the pain she inflicts. <br />
<br />
Best wishes! Mel

It sounds like a lot responsibility has been put on you. As wonderful as his gestures are, the fact that he did it before even telling you sounds like he has a very romanticist mind set.<br />
<br />
Be careful, if it feels right, go for it, the divorce is going through, you could wait til it's fully cleared if you want to.

You're obviously very analytical so I think you have your bases covered as far as analyzing the situation down goes.<br />
<br />
So I think this comes down to a question of the heart. I'm sure you're flattered by the attention he is giving you and the fact that he left his wife for you, but past that... how does your heart feel about him? He may have done all these things for you, but it doesn't mean you owe him a relationship. First look at whether you truly feel a desire for this man emotionally.<br />
<br />
If the answer to the last question is yes, and if you are the kind of girl that doesn't have problems getting out of a bad relationship, then I would say get to know him. Dip your feet in slowly and get to know him better to see if he's compatible with you.<br />
<br />
As for your second question, no he probably won't go back to his wife. He sounds very deliberate and methodical based on his past history. However, he might be rebounding. He's obviously much older than you and looking for a companion that is everything his wife is not. If that's the case, then as wonderful of a guy as he is, you deserve for someone that loves you for better reasons.<br />
<br />
You're being very thoughtful and careful about your romantic life, and I wish you the best with this!