My Ow Journey Back To Myself

I met my mm man 4 years ago through a mutual acquaintance.  I needed to sell my home and he is a broker.  He was a tremendous help with my transactions and we became fast friends.  We talked everyday and once my home was sold which allowed me to buy a smaller home he continued to call.  Instead of a few times a week, he called everyday.  I began to look forward to the calls which led to meeting for lunch and sometimes dinner.  He was a gentlemen.  We discussed many topics - general and personal which in time, led to physical intimacy.  My mm is ten years younger than I and our conversations were interesting and intriguing.  We discussed a few times his marriage and I gave him advice based on my own personal experience in my marriage. (I have been divorced for over ten years).  His children are under 12 years old and my children are young adults.  I know it was not our intention to let things get this far.  No excuses.  It happened.  The sex was amazing!  He cared for me.  He did things for me that my ex-husband never, ever did.  Things I believe most women take for granted like making sure I had gas in my car and it was maintenanced, doing things around my new home, calling to make sure I made it home safely, gifts, short trips, etc.  I felt loved, cared for. . and I felt I mattered.  I had not dated in over 6 years and the attention was wonderful.  However, today I know that it was all an illusion.


My ex-husband really did a "head job" on me.  After I had our kids, I gained some weight.  About 60 pounds.  These 60 pounds have not left to this day.  I am an attractive women, gainfully employed at the same job for over 20 years.  My ex left because on a daily basis said I made him sick to his stomach to look at.  All the while never helping with the children or the bills, etc.  Classic story I know.  Finally, we divorced and I became a single parent raising my children alone.  After I refinance my home as many times as I could, almost depleted my retirement, my oldest graduated from college.  When my youngest was in the 10th grade in high school their father re-entered their lives. He had changed and has been an awesome father to them both.  For their sakes, I am happy.  For my sake, I am happy I have forgiven him.  Yet, in some ways the emotional abuse I received affects me in ways to this day.


So when my mm came along, I was still in transition. . .trying my best to become whole.  In that moment, he was good, what I felt was good and I was in love (or so I thought).  Once the "confetti" stopped falling, I began to see things clearer.  He is a great talker but a poor communicator along with other things.  I thought about his wife and kids.  I didn't feel good about me.  As much as I love him, things were not right.  We both knew it.  As I was contemplating how I was going to tell him it was over, he told me first.  I was hurt.  Really hurt.  However, I knew it was the best thing.   A year past  and he called me.  We met and became intimate and I knew it was over, at least for me.  I was so disappointed in myself.  So here I am brushing the dirt off my knees.  But instead of starting over, I decided to get back on the horse and continue my journey of affirming myself.  He continues to call everyday and leave messages.  I don't answer the phone nor return his calls.  Tomorrow I will change my number.  What I know for sure is that "feelings" will make you delusional.  They can't be trusted because they change.  Love is more than a feeling.  It is a "knowing".  What I had was "feelings" for my mm man and that is really what he had/has for me.  An d those feelings are/were based on limited information.  I forgive myself and I pray that he forgives himself, too.  I pray that his marriage gets better and they learn to work things out or leave while they can still be great parents if not husband and wife.  I know people want to think that the ow or om is the problem but it is just a symptom of what is already wrong.  Just that it doesn't help and is a distraction.


It all boils down to me.  "I" am what matters.  I am deserving of something good. ..God's best.  I am a good person. . .a good woman.  I am just human and I made some errors in judgment.  I am not weak. . perhaps vunerable but I am working on that.  I hope my story helps someone.  You can recover and be restored after being someone's woman on the side.  Be careful not to discuss your journey with everyone.  Some people feel it's their god given right to judge.  Use discernment but find someone some way to get healthy again.  Give yourself a second, third, fourth chance.  God does. 

Worthyofmore Worthyofmore
46-50, F
2 Responses Feb 14, 2010

Thanks Eternal. Take care.

Its inspiring.. Thank you for sharing.