Who's The Biggest Fool................................?

I met J, Z. 3 years ago at work. He was 63 and I was 48 at the time. I already knew he was married when he started calling me at home. It took months on the phone before he had me convinced that his marriage was just in name only. Now, I consider myself to be an intelligent and cautious woman but somehow he charmed me into falling for his sad story hook, line, and sinker. His wife never gave him any attention, she didn't want to have sex and she always wanted others to join them in dinners and vacations. He told me how he spent so much time alone and how it was like living with a sister. And did I mention that he was extremely good looking and tall which is a major plus with me being 5' 8" and all. So I did it. I invited him over for lunch.

Four hours later he was all over me and at the same time telling me that he'd never cheated before. I have to admit, I didn't buy that part. He was too smooth. And that afternoon started a long sometimes fun, sometimes heartbreaking affair. I hadn't been with anyone else in years so I fell hard. He was everything I wanted except the wife part. He seemed to know how my mind worked, he liked the same foods, doing the same activities...like 2 peas in a pod.....the perfect man. He told me that what attracted me to him was the fact that I had no baggage.....no ex, no kids, no grandkids, nothing to take my attention from him. At that time it sounded kind of sweet. And I did just that, I made him the center of my world. Later, though, it started sucking the life out of me.

The first crack showed when a few months into our relationship I bought a yorkie puppy. Now, I had baggage. The reason for my dog was because it was so difficult to be alone for days sometimes even a week or more, without J. Z. I needed a distraction. It hurt so much every time we said good bye. I never knew when I'd see him again and the waiting for a phone call was rough. He had to pick and choose when to call because the wife was usually in the house with him. I'd call him on his cell and if he couldn't talk I'd leave a message and he'd call back........sometimes days later. Did I mention that he loved to control the situation? He would dole out his attention piece by piece leaving me always wanting more but enough that I wouldn't leave him.

I stood by his side as he lied to his wife, his sons, and his friends by phone to cover for his whereabouts. And he was good. I told him once that he lied so convincing that if I hadn't been right there I'd believe him too. I knew that if he could lie that well to them he could lie that well to me. So, when plans would change and he couldn't make it down I usually doubted his excuses. His lies bought us days at a time together, and even a week trip to Bar harbor.

Bar Harbor gave me a small look at the "real" J. Z. A week with him started to open my eyes. He liked naps. Naps in the morning, naps in the afternoon and naps after dinner. I'm high energy, I wanted to be out and exploring at the crack of dawn but he wanted to sit around with his coffee, watch some TV and then head out the door around 11 AM. Take a quick tour of the town, eat lunch and then head back for his nap. I don't do naps so I'd take my car, my dog, and my camera and continue with my exploration of the place. It mad him very upset. He said he expected me to stay with him until he woke up. So I set him straight, I didn't pay good money to sit around a hotel room and watch him sleep. Everytime I left him in the room napping I got the cold shoulder when I returned. Oh, did I mention that he snored? Big time! So loud that I either had to leave the room or just settle for the fact that I wasn't going to get any sleep at night. He also started controling what I bought with remarks about how expensive things were and that most of everything for sale in the various gift shops were nothing but junk.

The sneaking around went on for two years. He had a shore house that he and the wife went down to every weekend during the summer. He'd tell me that he was only going because she expected it of him. He complained that he was bored while there and only thought of me the entire time. I sat at home counting down the minutes til he got back while envious of her because I love the beach and wanted nothing more than to be down there with him. Later I realized that J. Z. couldn't be forced to do anything that he didn't want to do. So these weekly trips weren't the hardships he claimed them to be.

He'd make plans with me and then last minute break them or say that he never said that. I must have misunderstood. Needless to say, I started complaining, crying, begging, None of which I'm proud of. And in the back of my mind I knew I had to get out. New Year's Eve afternoon '07 he promised me that 2008 would be our year. he'd ask for a divorce and we'd finally be together. Then things happened, he got sick, then a knee replacement...the excuses started coming. When I'd ask if he'd said anything to the wife he say that it takes time, he was working on it don't rush him. Did I mention that right after he dropped me off on New Years Eve '07 he took his wife out to dinner and to the fireworks?

When I'd confront him on anything or ask for an explaination, rather than talk to me he'd hang up. Just like that. And then not answer his phone. Boy did that get me going. I started realizing that J. Z. had very little empathy for others but yet would take my comments like "that it always had to be about him", to heart and be so wounded. I usually ended up saying "I sorry" to him even when it was him who was at fault. He always had to be right and if he wasn't he'd never say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong". He was very good at playing the victim. All his wrong doings eneded up my fault. Arguements were one sided. Me sounding like a shrew and J. Z. sitting back not saying a word or picking himself up and walking out.

Then last year the wife found out and filed for divorce. I got angry phone calls from her. She had started going through his charge biills and confronted him. 8 months later the divorce was still pending and they were still living in the same house. The difference was that now he came and went whenever he felt like it and stayed with me for days at a time. I was banded from the shore house, it was a clause in the papers she filed. But what baffled me during all of this is that no one seemed to be in a hurry to get things moving along. She had this passive/agressive attitude, she'd get angry with him so much so that he'd leave and come here. Then she'd act as if nothing happened, he'd go home a few days later and life would just go on. J. Z. never seemed to want it rushed either. When questioned he admitted that he was getting emotional about having to give up the house. Yes, the house. Not the shore house though. She wanted him to move down there and she'd keep the one here. Finally she had enough and forced him out. Our plan was for him to stay with me on the days he had to work and his home address would be the shore house.

This upset him so much that he went out and got drunk one afternoon and then called me. He was going on and on crying about leaving the house that he built. And he told me that I had better make all of this worth while. This was a month ago. And I should mention that I was already seeing the "real" J. Z. by now.

He had no emotional attachments to anything. If we bought a place together then all my stuff would have to go. The place would be decorated his way, flea market finds and yard sale stuff. Both of his homes look like dorms. He'd tell me to change shoes, to put on a sweater, to go take my contacts out, how to drive the right way, how to fill the dog's water bowl, to clean up the spill while pouring milk....it goes on and on. Always pointing out the obvious before I could take care of it myself. I was in a parent/child relationship.
When I'd complain he'd get upset because he was only looking out for me. More and more I was complaining. According to him I was spending too much time on the computer, too much time playing with the dog, spending too much time and money on my make up and not enough time with him. Watching a different TV in another room was ignoring him. After three years I wasn't spending that 24/7 attention on him that he required. I could tell that he was very unhappy with me. I wasn't making it worth his while. I started dreading his stays at my house. I ducked a lot of his calls and pretended I was out. I even asked him not to come over one weekend saying that I had things to do. He complained that I was brushing him off. He didn't want to hear about all the brush off's I had gotten from him the last three years. He was the victim after all. J. Z. was an unhappy person, that was his personality. His expectation was that I would make him happy and content with his life. Did I mention that if the wife had a probblem like a dead battery he'd go rushing out to help her?

Thursday 2/11/10 was the end. He told me to put a block of cheese back onto the shelf at the food store, that I wasn't going to get it, it was too expensive. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just couldn't do it anymore. The snide hurtful remarks got to be too much. So I told him that our living arrangements weren't working out. I wanted to take a step back and see what could be done to possibly fix it. he saw it as yet another attack on him so rather than discuss anything he waited til I was at work on friday to pack his things and leave. I haven't heard from him since.

I see that him leaving was the best thing, No more being responsible for his happiness, it was an impossible task. I believe that in order to be happy with someone else you must be happy with yourself first. No one can do it for you.

I miss the fun we had....we did enjoy one another's company when out on the town. But I don't miss the time at home feeling like I was being held hostage while he napped or sat around doing nothing more that watching TV. And I don't miss feeling like I had to ask permission to do anything besides sit with him. Valientine's Day was hard. I cry when I see places where we've been, when I hear love songs, when I think of the goofy ways he had that made me laugh. I look forward in my life and cry because the future looks so bleak. I cry when someone says something nice to me trying to make me feel better. I cry when the dog runs to the door whan he hears a car pull up. J. Z, was his second favorite person. I have to really fight to keep from calling him up and begging him back, even though I know I'd be right back under his control. I know now that the problems in his marraige was more than likely his fault. He probably sucked the life from her too. But she's 67, at this time in her life she'd rather put up with it than make a change. Oh did I mention that I drove past his house and both her and his cars were in the drive? He ran from here and went right back home.......So who's the biggest fool? Him for messing up what could have been the best thing in his life. Her for putting up with him during this time and taking him back.Or me for sticking it out for as long as I have.

No, married men don't leave their wives. And if some do it's probably because, like J. Z. they were forced to by their spouses. But given a choice J. Z. would have rather continued to keep his home life intact and have his piece of *** on the side.

Me, I'm left here, hurt, confused and trying like hell to move on but scared to look into the future without him by my side. I feel like a drug addict needing my "fix" even though I know it's bad for me. At least today I haven't had a good cry though I hurt like hell. So I guess I'm getting better second by second. At least I have my dog........He sees me as the most important person in his life......I never had that with J.Z.

Dee.



YorkieMomtoo YorkieMomtoo
51-55, F
12 Responses Feb 15, 2010

In all the pain, so comforting to hear that I am not the only one fighting the urge to contact. Thanks for sharing, all.

Well, It's been one week. I'm doing better. Not great but better. After my MM and I talked things started to seem a little clearer. I lost that desire to pick up the phone and I stopped waiting for it to ring. Yesterday I spend HOURS talking to one of my brothers and have set up a vacation to Florida in May to visit. This gives me something to look forward to that only involves me and my dog.<br />
I will attend the woman's support group next week. They meet once a week for the next 6.<br />
Sometimes the memories will come into my head suddenly and catch me off guard, then the pain is so great it's hard to breathe.........One step at a time..................

GOD IS GOOD!!! Ive been prayin for you....and I am so happy hes been so good to you in helping you find peace :D Womens groups ARE truly amazing, Ive been there as well, I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today with out it. Just keep going....be consistent and make goals, you will soon find you don't even need to think of past any more. You will be okay, I have faith in you.

Well I have to add an update. My MM called me! And NO we aren't getting back together. With a lot of tears on both side we talked about what went wrong and what we should have done. In the end hind sight is 20/20. He went back to his wife. They called off the divorce and are going to try and make their marriage work. Our talking tonight did me better than any therapist ever could. I can now cry if I want to....I can mourn the loss of the good times.....But I no longer need to deal with the urge to call him and beg him back. That needing a fix is gone. I think that this is a HUGE relief to my sanity. I found a woman's support group in my area for those of us going through divorce or loss of a relationship. That starts up next tuesday. It will help me to move forward knowing that there are probably others going through much worst. I will continue to post......I'm not over this by far and the support I find here helps so much. Thanks everyone!

You hang in there, Yorkie. I think we also get "comfortable" with familiar things and relationships. Don't beat yourself up. Hey, I was a big enough dunce to hang around and be mistreated for over two decades. Do you think I was really honest with many of my friends or family? (Least of all myself). Treat yourself to something nice at the end of each day that you are able to successfully remain true to yourself. He is a jerk.

Bratcat, thank you for that link, I read it this AM and put it into my favorites. I almost called him when I woke up...until I read the posted comments. I guess I'm in the bargining stage........wanting to call and beg. to do anything to get him back........but at the same time I feel shame for wanting to stoop that low. Not having a support system around me makes it more difficult. Seeing a MM is not something I felt comfortable sharing with others. To them he was separated and living on his own. Looking back I should have told the truth especially to my parents. Then they could have told me what a dunce I was being to even consider getting involved with someone who is still very married. Has one post stated "RUN"......I'm doing that....I just wish I could move faster. Please everyone, keep posting....this is all that is helping me right now. Friday will be one week......That will be a small milestone for me if I can make it to then without crying or calling him. I have new found empathy for those who find themselves addicted to alcohol and drugs.....the urge for a quick fix is over powering.

Run away!!! Run as fast as you can!!! BUT, go ahead and cry. That's normal! That's HEALING. Be kind to yourself, you are in pain!!! But for goodness sake, don't call the jerk!!! Look at what he has done to you in three years, and then peek at that poor wife. He has her screwed up so much that she took him back (again)! Is that who you want to be one day? A replica of HER??? Have you ever heard the old saying, "If they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya."? Kinda makes one wonder if ALL of those changed plans were to accommodate the wife OR....maybe you had a bit of competition from time to time you were unaware of. Now, as a retired R.N., and as a woman, please do not be offended, but you also need to make an appointment with your GYN immediately for a check up AND a complete screening for sexually transmitted diseases. K? And, if you need a friend, I am here as are many other wonderful people. You kiss and hug that Yorkie, too. They don't get any more adorable than those little guys and gals.

Yorkiemomtoo,<br />
<br />
Thanks for your words of encouragement on my story. I just wanted to let you know that I too am suffering all these pains alongside you. I visited the doctor today and he pointed out that all this pain is what we go through when we go through all the different stages of grief. I posted a link to a really eye-opening blog about dealing with grief associated with a break0up. It really helped me tonight. Maybe it will provide you some comfort too. Here's the link. <br />
<br />
http://www.epinions.com/kifm-review-467B-48EFB610-3A54C51C-prod3<br />
<br />
Good luck and be thankful for your pup. I don't even have that! :(

Thanks for the support. I am going day by day right now. If I can get through without crying and am able to fight the urge to dial his number then I consider it a step in the right direction. Looking back on everything...Maybe I was co-dependant as "Alive tonight" suggested but I feel like I was and am going through what I always called abused spouse syndrome. I contunued to try and make it work. It was like the company, no matter how difficult, was better than being alone. Then I'd think of the good times, hear him say he loved me and see the work around the house he did for me. I would push the emotional hurt back into a corner of my mind and pretend all was well. I guess after 3 years the corner got to the point where it was starting to overflow. It spilled out into the light. I started dreading his time spent here, I didn't want him to put his arms around me and I made excuses when he wanted sex. I miss the companionship the most I guess......though I do have my dog. I never dreaded being alone before him.....in fact I enjoyed it. I just need to get that back. As for finding someone else.....I can't see myself doing that.......not for a long time anyway.

It is a blessing that you are moving on..let go of him and the damage that he has done to you...move forward into someone elses arms who loves you for you..loves your dog and will empower and embrace the woman that you are....

well...i know where you are coming from....the thing is keep living in today in this moment and dream about the future....let go of your past and J. Z...he wasn't right for you anyhow... he was abusive, and no offence but you were very co-dependent....there are other men out there that actually want you for you and not for just your looks or body...and unmarried ones too. hang in there. yeah sure im only 21 but that is just a number, ive often been told that i have an old soul. and ive already learned from many of my mistakes the hard way. i do hope you get through this hard time.<br />
Rachel.

I know what the addiction feels like. I did leave my wife all I wanted was to live with and take care of my girlfriend forever. We have also been to Bar Harbor I wanted to share it with her. We got married ,then I got a glimpse of the sick control her daughter had on her.Her daughter is in her late 20s and has had 3 break downs.My new wife was on anti depressants. Committed herself once then she tried to kill herself because her daughter kept on her about how she shouldnt be with me, anyway now I come home to an empty house at around 2am and shout honey Im home.