This Is A 2 Week Update To "who's The Biggest Fool"......

A lot has changed in the 2 weeks since I posted my story. First, after a few days of standing firm and accepting the fact that he was gone and it was what I wanted....I caved. I called him crying like a fool, begging him back. I told him that I was wrong, I never should have said the things I said. I told him that all the problems in our 3 year relationship were mine.....and I told him that it would all be better if he'd just come back.......Then I found out that he left my bed to hop right back into his wife's. Yep, he packed up his stuff here at my house and went straight back to his wife......and like a fool she took him back. Well, that killed it for me. He said that they were now committed to making their marriage work.

I then began to heal. I knew all along that I was right to end things. I had wanted to do so for over a year. I guess what stopped me is that staying was better than being alone. He did a lot of work around my home in the 3 years and he helped with some of the day to day expenses. We also did enjoy one another's company when we were out or away from home. It was very hard to give this up though.

I made a list of Pros & Cons of staying in a realtionship with J.Z...........The Cons went on for pages! I still read this list when I feel down. I now realize that my love for him started to fade months ago...back when I started building a wall to protect my emotions from his constant attacks. This wall, already built, has helped me get past the hurt and pain of the break-up.

After a few days of calling and leaving messages he finally called back. We talked for hours and he actually listened to what I had to say. I told him about all the pain he caused me, I told him that by him not taking responsibility for his faults and inability to bend or relent he caused our down-fall. And, he finally got it. A little too late though. And of course it was easier for him now that he didn't have to deal with any of this. If he had been sitting in front of me it would have been a whole other story! My MM said that he and his wife are going to start over and make it work this time. My question to him was......did he really think that 40 years of problems on both sides can be fixed, just like that? Did he really expect to have a companion to do things with (she had her own interests and they never did much together) I asked him who was going bike riding in the city with him, who was going to sample every dinner on the chinese menu with him.....who was going fishing with him.....on and on.....card games on our computers, video/web chats, fun at the casinos, the thriftshops.......stuff he said he enjoyed because he finally found someone to do it with when he met me.....It made him cry to hear me say what he was already thinking......And that made me feel better.....I was the one causing some pain. Though I was always picturing or wondering in my head as to what they were doing now......Were they watching TV? Or going out to dinner? I drove myself crazy with images in my head.

We decided to stay in touch by e-mail and phone. For the next week or so he'd call me a couple of times a day and send me e-mail. Of course it meant I had to listen to him tell me about their shopping of a new lawn mower and how they are sleeping together once again.....I became a "pal" a "buddy"....and that was hard. And he'd end every call with "I love you and miss you". But when asked if he was sure he was making the right choice he'd just play the marytr and say......it is what it is.....and "I deserve whatever I get at this point". That rolling over feet in the air attitude just ticked me off.

This past tuesday my MM called in a panic. His wife had demanded all his passwords to his cell and e-mail accounts. Now he was out scrambling to find a computer and internet service so that he could erase anything that had my name on it. He said it was her way of learning to trust him again. And if this is what she wanted then that was what he was going to do....His life would become an open book to her. Yeah, right. Then the next night he called asking how to set up a hiden e-mail account. MORE secrets! He wanted to continue our contact without her knowing. Just what got him into the trouble he had starting 3 years ago! Telling his wife to trust him but sneaking around talking to me. I again asked him if this is how he wanted his life to be........always wanting what was on the otherside of the fence......Again he cried......he knew what he had thrown away but was/is too powerless, lazy, cowardly to change anything. It is what it is..................

So after ending with our usual "love you and miss you" we hung up. And I thought......why am I continuing to allow him to make me feel like crap? Why am I punishing myself by listening about his "new" life? Why Why Why?

I sat a while and then did it. I took the bull by the horns.....I blocked all his e-mail accounts. I deleted him from my address books. I *60'd all his phone numbers.......no longer can he call my house and get through....unless of course he uses a different phone.........and I changed my cell number. He has no idea....well by now he might. But he will be surprised when he finds out that after 3 long years he has LOST control over me!

It hurt like heck but in the long run it is for the best. Now after 4 days of no contact I am feeling better about my choice. My mom worried about him showing up at my door......He won't do that.....it would mean that he was admitting to being wrong.....crawling back to the wife was one thing crawling back to me? No way. Plus, I had told everyone that we were through. To let him back after all of this would make me look like a complete fool in their eyes......They are all my voices of reason.

Did I love him? Yes. But was I IN love with him? I kind of doubt it now......I think that I was in love with the man I wanted him to be rather than the man he REALLY was. When I feel down or good memories pop up to cut me...I read my "Con" side of my list......and it sooths the hurt a bit.

One foot in front of the other. I need to find ME again.....and that inner peace I used to have....................

 

 

YorkieMomtoo YorkieMomtoo
51-55, F
4 Responses Feb 28, 2010

I just read your comment to Tuesdaygirl. It's been over 3 months now since I wrote this story and the first one.....And I totally agree with you. Looking back I see all the flaws in the realtionship I had with a MM. At the time I couldn't see beyond that "unknown" you mentioned. But it didn't take long to come out the otherside and finally have peace. <br />
We all wondered what we did that was so wrong.....why couldn't we be the ones these MMs chose... What could we have done differently to make them stay with us instead of these terrible wives we kept hearing about......The truth is....these MMs are flawed. They want what they want when they want it with complete disregard of anyone else's feelings.<br />
I:ve learned a lot in the 3 years with a MM and I can honestly say now after leaving him 3 months ago that the whole experience has made me stronger.

TuesdayGirl,<br />
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It's not YOU, you just happened to be there. Those are the facts, no matter how painful The wife is not horrible, or he would've left her a long time ago. That's all lies, to keep stringing you along, even if he's doing it unintentionally. He might love you & need you in his life, but he loves his wife, and especially his family life & comfort much more. <br />
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Does he have kids? If so, he will NEVER leave. If not, then he definitely loves his wife a lot more than he lets on, and he probably doesn't say the nice things about her to spare your feelings. He know saying the nasty things make you feel better, and make you stick around. <br />
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"Research shows that fear of the unknown is much more terrifying to a person than any real fear that person will accurately identify. This is carried out predictably as a false perception we cling to because we believe that no matter how bad our situation is, the unknown is always going to be worse. It's actually the opposite. " It applies to him, because he already has an established life and is afraid of the unknown future with you, and it applies to you, because things won't be as bad as you think , once you leave.<br />
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Read this link - it'll explain everything: http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman<br />
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Also, read the articles below, a few pages down:<br />
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.<br />
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When you carry negative beliefs about love, relationships, and yourself, you inadvertently end up choosing partners and relationships that reflect these things, not challenge them.<br />
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When you have little or no boundaries in relationships, you open yourself up to, at best, being taken advantage of and at worst being abused. It’s like wearing a sign saying ‘Kick me, disrespect me, do as you please. I’ll still be here’. We all need limits, otherwise we have no opt-out point.<br />
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Having little or no foundations as a basis for a relationship means that you love and trust blindly, and choose to stay in a relationship for illusionary reasons. You love, and choose to love and stay, before you actually have evidence that suggests that you should.<br />
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When contradicting words with having inconsistent actions, it shows that neither has any real meaning. When we listen to words and ignore real actions, we dine off illusions.<br />
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Betting on “potential” means that you ignore someone’s consistent behavior, and decide you know better, rather than adjust your ‘vision’ and ‘expectations’ to something more realistic, just because it doesn’t suit your agenda.<br />
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Over-thinking and over-discussing, to the point of not actually doing anything, means that you render yourself immobile, by stalling to make a decision and delaying taking action.<br />
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Loving people unconditionally even when they have little or no love, care, trust, and respect for you means that you love without any care for yourself in the hope it’ll be reciprocated.<br />
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Projecting our vision of things, and sticking with it even when we have real evidence contradicting our views, means that we have ‘fake’ relationships.<br />
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Expecting things & qualities from people that we either aren’t, don’t have ourselves, or should be providing for ourselves, means we create unrealistic expectations, and are therefore setting ourselves up to fail at relationships.<br />
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Accepting lies, ridiculous statements, and outrageous behavior means you invite illusions into your life, live in denial, and don’t value honesty.<br />
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If we choose partners that respect our boundaries and act with love, care, trust, and respect as part of their general character, these people are far more likely to yield a decent relationship because it’s not a stretch to behave decently – it’s part of their core behavior because, they act with integrity and strong values in all areas.<br />
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Getting out of the comfort zone is painful, and for most people there first has to be a very painful experience, followed by a huge crisis, before they say: “I can’t go on like this”, “I can’t live like this any more”, etc.<br />
That which you don’t hate, you learn to tolerate.<br />
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The No Contact Rule will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make him, the relationship, and your pain, the only option.<br />
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Chasing someone who doesn’t love you back, or doesn’t want you in the way that you want them, or even recognize your value, is exhausting. Get your energy, your sanity, your self-esteem, and your power back - so that you can live.<br />
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By engaging in this “getting a guy to make you the exception” behavior, and making them the exception by creating different rules or removing limits, you end up living inconsistently with your own value system, as well as create inner turmoil that fuels your unhappiness.<br />
Many people operate off the ‘they have their good points’ concept, and even if it’s 10%, they ignore the other very worrying 90%…<br />
Let’s be real – it’s pretty ‘exceptional’ for someone to radicalize themselves, and take such a massive leap in character.<br />
I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. However, maybe it’s time to worry about why you need someone so lacking in basic character and relationship decency.<br />
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Life is full of problems - we deal with the hurt from the past and with current issues. If we start worrying about problems that might happen in the future, but most likely won't, then our lives will be full of problems (most of them not even relevant). We have only one life and we should use it to enjoy it and be as much carefree as we can.<br />
Just make a decision to not worry about things that haven't happened (another betrayal or affair). Just make a decision to not worry about what happened in the past, and you can no longer change no matter what you do (ex-betrayal or ex-affair). If the present is good, just relax and feel the beauty of life. You never know what the future brings. While you worry about one thing, worse things happen or everything could turn out to be great.<br />
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10 LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM TIGER WOODS’ SCANDAL<br />
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-things-you-can-learn-about-cheating-from-the-tiger-woods-saga/<br />
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1. Cheats are image obsessed<br />
A lot of people who cheat, you would never have guessed at their capacity for duplicity, and often it’s not because you’ve been making a lot of assumptions, but because they have carefully cultivated an image amongst those around them. The key to the ’success’ of the Cheater is to not be found out by those around him, and to have his ‘reputation’ damaged. In fact, they can often cope with being caught, as long as no-one else finds out. Often they believe they can talk their way out of the situation, and even attempt to silence those around them so they can keep up the facade.<br />
Many wonder why someone gets married if they’re not the committing kind. Because it suits them to cheat, but having the appearance of stability relieves some of the pressure, especially for public figures. They may have a huge capacity for deceit, and appearing stable and ‘normal’ is important to their image.<br />
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2. Never assume that the woman who ‘gets’ him has won<br />
So many readers wonder ‘Why her, and not me?’ . If you’ve ever lamented why your ex left you to go back to his wife/girlfriend, or why he left to go back to the woman he cheated on you with, ask yourself if anyone else really wins with a cheat that hasn’t changed? Where is the comfort in knowing you ‘won’, albeit he’s still shagging around? The only person who’s in a win-win situation is the cheat. To every woman who has ‘lost’ her Cheater to someone else, one day you’ll realize you made a lucky escape.<br />
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3. Power can be a dangerous thing as you can become narcissistic and assume you’re invincible<br />
I haven’t the remotest interest in golf, but I know enough to respect Tiger’s sporting achievements, although that’s as far as it goes. But he, like a lot of men who find themselves with a lot of power, doesn’t know where to draw the line and thinks he’s getting away with ‘it’. Powerful people who have run away with themselves, believing the magnitude of their power and money makes them invincible, and then find themselves being a cheat taking more risks, will actually enjoy the thrill and the knowledge that they appear to be outwitting everyone around them.<br />
They’re playing truant on the persona that everyone else knows, and of course, they’re playing hooky on their relationships.<br />
Cheaters are passive-aggressive – they let you think that they’re in a relationship with you, nodding their head, agreeing, and making the right noises, and then they sneakily go ahead and do exactly what they want to do.<br />
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4. Those who doth protest too much have more steps to fall down the ladder of pride<br />
In Tiger’s case , who knows who is responsible for cultivating his lily-white image? There are many PR wheels turning around him, and the press projects a certain image. However, much like those who doth protest too much about how nice they are, what a family person, good, generous, whatever, when you keep saying it or feel the need to keep putting it out there, when you take a fall of disgrace, you take a long fall. With the guy that’s an “out and proud” assclown, even though he’s undoubtedly wrong, it’s not really that surprising when he cheats, but the ‘good ones’ are a mega surprise, and will invite even more speculation and outrage.<br />
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5. A guy that wants to cheat will cheat<br />
You can put all the sex on a plate that you want, cater to his every need, and attempt to never put one foot wongly in front of the other foot. But a guy who gets his thrills from being on the down low, shagging around, will soon get bored even with the woman he believed was perfect for him and might make him change his ways. Just ask Halle Berry…<br />
They don’t need a reason to cheat – they just do it because they can, and they believe they are bigger and cleverer than those around them. They’re reactive, and just like when I talk about how Mr. Unavailable’s are reactive and might like strawberry ice-cream at 12pm, hate it at 3pm, and then say it’s the most amazing thing at 6pm, the Cheat is just riding with the feeling, living in the moment. For them it’s “out of sight, out of mind”, and they lack empathy for the people they have the capacity to hurt the most.<br />
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6. The habitual cheater will actually keep doing it for as long as they can get away with it<br />
Let me be real – if he hadn’t got busted, I doubt he would’ve turned up, with a cap in hand, making a confession. Whilst some get sloppy in the hopes of getting caught, so that they can end their main relationship and be ’set free’, someone who’s cheating with a number of people is doing it for kicks. Should they be caught, the main relationship will temporarily seem attractive, because with it being in danger of being lost, the fear of being out of control gets mistaken for the desire they experience with the chase. With the habitual cheaters, when they say they’re sorry, what they really mean is that they’re sorry they got found out.<br />
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7. Where there is one woman ready to be a booty call mistress, there are often others<br />
Or at least women claiming to be the ‘others’…<br />
If they can cheat, they can cheat on you. Never assume that you’re the only person he’s cheating with and that he’s just dishonest with his wife/girlfriend. To cheat, they have to lie to everyone around them. If you’ve ever thought that being one of several women is attractive just look at the prideless mess that is the women flocking around professing to be Tiger’s mistresses. I would be embarrassed to admit that I was one in a long line!<br />
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8. When the cheat gets caught, the illusions built up around them come down like a house of cards<br />
The duplicity involved in being a cheat means that when they are caught, everything built around them comes crashing down, removing the very foundations you believed your relationship to be built upon. Everything gets called into question, and what makes their behavior so devastating is that you’ve both been operating under different sets of circumstances – you think you’re together, but they’ve been flying solo.<br />
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9. To be a cheat, you need to be a good liar and very deceitful<br />
No matter what story gets spun to you about why they’re cheating, don’t be fooled and trick yourself into believing that you’re involved with an honest cheat – there’s no such thing! They don’t just lie to you, they lie to themselves! Some people cheat and quickly realize that they’re not cut out for the stress of leading double lives. They’re still in the wrong, but they get out and attempt to sort out their trouble. Others realize that they have a great capacity for having their cake and eating it too, and come up with more and more ways to have cake. They don’t feel guilty – they do what works for them, saying and doing what they need, to get what they want. They let you think that there are possibilities where there are no possibilities. Often they believe their little fantasies, but in reality they often know that unless something catastrophic happens, they’re not leaving their main relationship. The guy who has mistresses dotted all over the place, is just someone getting his rocks off with cheap thrills.<br />
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10. Often the clue to our relationship behavior lies in our past<br />
There has been some talk of Tiger’s own late father cheating on his mother, something he seemingly deplored. And yet, clearly he hasn’t dealt with his issues, or learned from these experiences as he’s ended up doing the very thing he’s supposed to hate. Interestingly he’s said that his mum was the boss of the household which certainly feeds into the idea of playing hooky and passive aggressively showing who’s really in charge, which is exactly what Tiger (and anyone else who cheats) has been doing to his wife. Many of us learn our relationship beliefs from our parents and obviously if they are negative, they can leave us with a nasty hangover that feeds into an ongoing pattern. Maybe he’s afraid of permanency? Maybe he’s afraid of being bored? Maybe he’s afraid of feeling owned, tied down, whatever. The cheater can really only address their behavior and beliefs that feed into this deceptive relationship behavior. Until then, they’re fooling everyone, including themselves. Often it takes major consequences to bring about change – maybe the recent embarrassment will be enough.<br />
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“CHEATER”<br />
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The Mr. Unavailable that cheats is a special breed. This guy has made it down the aisle or appears to be in some form of committed relationship (or at least his partner thinks so!). But this doesn’t make him any less emotionally unavailable.<br />
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The mistake that the Other Woman makes with these men is assuming that because these men appear to be committed to someone else, that these are the type of men that commit, and that they’ll eventually commit to her.<br />
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The trouble with The Cheater is that he is very good at distancing himself from the reality of his behavior. I’m not claiming that they don’t realize that they are sticking it to someone else, but for most cheaters, it gets rationalized so that they don’t get to feel too bad about themselves. Trust me; if they faced the reality of what they were doing to the person that they’re cheating on, and what they’re doing to the Other Woman, they’d bail out far quicker. It’s the ability to delude themselves and romanticize the situation that keep things ticking over for so long.<br />
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Men, just like women, are privy to the same pressures from their peers, family, and societal expectations. They find themselves trying to do not what they want to do, but what they believe they ought to do. So you’ll often find that The Cheater can be a high achiever, or certainly aspire to the great things in life and in some jobs. They seem to be men that appear to have all of their bases covered, are settled, and can climb the career ladder quicker.<br />
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The Cheater will play the dutiful boyfriend or husband, but after a while, he needs to distance himself from what appear to be the shackles of his relationship. He needs to blow off steam. He needs to believe that he’s still got the magic. He needs to escape.<br />
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Whatever it is that causes him to find himself as The Cheater, he becomes like a little boy playing truant, believing that he’s getting one over on everyone around him, and outwitting them all. He thinks he’s really clever, and he actually convinces himself that he behaves as he does because it’s in everyone’s interest to protect them from the truth. In reality, he’s just excusing himself from the responsibility of his behavior, much like he’s decided to excuse himself from the responsibility of his relationship.<br />
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You may wonder what runs through his mind and whether he intentionally goes out of his way to deceive the women he entangles in his web. I think at the beginning, and certainly for the first few months, maybe even a year, he believes what he is saying about wanting to be with you and wanting the time to be right and yada, yada, yada. In reality, he is too caught up in the thrill, the excitement, the escapism, and having his ego massaged, to actually genuinely concern himself with the finer details.<br />
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He’s just reacting to his urges and his instincts and unless he’s a total bastard, sometimes he feels genuinely conflicted about what he’s doing.<br />
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He’s like a scared little boy who doesn’t know how to make a decision, because he is afraid of betting at the wrong table, and he would rather have both than have just one that he’s not sure of. He likes cheating or should I say, he likes the results of it, and as the Other Woman, you fit in really well with his life because you quickly adopt his schedule, making things so easy for him. He’s getting what he wants from both of you.<br />
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Do not make the mistake of thinking that one of you is giving him what he really needs. Don’t get it twisted! No matter what crap he tells you about his problems at home and how he didn’t see himself doing it, that situation at home works for him. You have no idea what his true experience is, and at the end of the day, whether he’s got a girlfriend, living together, married, kids, waiting for them to go to college, waiting for a kid to go to school, waiting for her to get over depression, waiting for her inheritance to come through - it works for him. No matter what he says, it is an excuse to continue the charade because the reality is that there are two types of men - men who cheat, and men who won’t The latter are men who meet you they’re in a relationship, but their conscience and morals won’t allow them mess around on either one of you, so they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.<br />
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The Cheater cheats everyone around him, while the Other Woman tends to focus on him deceiving others to be with her. She doesn’t spend enough time considering that he has to deceive her, too, in order to deal with his other life.<br />
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They learn very quickly to leave out important parts of their lives because they don’t want to set you off on a “When are you leaving her?” tangent. There is no escaping their deception, and what you have to accept is that they deceive everyone including themselves, so very little truth comes out of their mouths or actions. They mean what they say as much as you can mean anything when you have a total disconnect from who you are.<br />
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LETTER FROM THE WIFE<br />
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I am working very hard on not being judgmental here. I really want to connect with you on an equal and respectful footing. I appreciate your need to continue to regard yourself as moral, and good; honest and decent. And, so many marriages are about the facade, not about the reality. It is painful and unfortunate. <br />
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I can't help but wonder, if being the other woman puts you in a position to believe that you are superior, or far above and away from his wife. If they were not having intimate relations, and are still not, does that make you feel that you are sexually more capable, or more loving, or closer to this man than is his wife? <br />
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The situation you are describing is not a simple matter of scratching where it itches. This man seems (by your description) to actually love you as a mate. And, in choosing to remain with his wife, barring all costs and pain to both of you, is he really doing her any favors? I ask these things because I AM the wife. And, you should know how painful it is, as a woman, to have needs that go unmet, while he meets YOUR needs in such a careful, thoughtful and loving manner. <br />
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You should know how devastating it is that he shares his conversation with YOU, and with me, there is only silence. You should know that, everytime I look upon our children, these beautiful, wonderful beings, I see the love that once was there, and the vast emptiness that has replaced his love for me. I have twenty years experience with this man. I have twenty years of hardship, struggle, joy and laughter with this man. <br />
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And just as our lives are transitioning from mothering 24-7, to watching our own children step out and build their own lives, rather than reconnect and re-establish the passion that had to take a back seat to the demands of childbearing, instead, he is connecting with you. I love him also, and am not being given the opportunity to grow with him. Instead, I wither beside him. I bear you no ill will, and were I to ever meet the mistress that keeps my husband satisfied, I would bear her no ill will either. <br />
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But one day, you will be my age. One day, you will have children, and a husband, and you will wonder. When you sit at the table with him, and he tunes you out. When your daughter brings home friends from college, and he can't take his eyes off "her." One day you will feel your prime slipping away into the autumn of your life. When you feel most vulnerable, and battleworn from bearing this man's children out of love and passion, when you feel the sag of gravity pulling at you; you will understand. You can't possibly know today, what you will twenty years from now. <br />
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Women should stand together, and with love and compassion move forward. But we are always at strive, aren't we? Always competing, never arriving at our "ever after." Come find me, when you get here, to this place. By then, I'll know what to say to you, to help you survive watching your husband grow comlacent and disinterested in you. By then, I will have survived myself, and I will know more than I know today. And, I will show you compassion, and empathy, understanding and love, even though you do not consider me now. I feel very deeply for you, and would hug you if I could. <br />
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But, before you enjoy one more touch of my husband's hand, before you hear more of his words, and know his passion, know this: I love this man, passionately, and deeply. Years of miscommunication and missed opportunities have led to the state in which you have found us. No one is to blame, and at the same time, we are BOTH to blame. Whether you think you are better than me, more loving, more passionate, more in tune with your sexual energy, you are not me, and you have no idea of the road I have walked these last twenty years. <br />
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Please do not kid yourself, he does love me. Perhaps not as much as he once did, perhaps not as deeply as he once did. Regardless, I still love him. And though I am not the wife of your lover, and know not her story, I am a wife, and I deserved better than this.

So there's hope for me?! I am married and had a five year affair with a man .. I know in my deepest of heart that it's for the best, but the flashback of HAPPY TIMES, sexual chemistry is haunting me -- any advice for me - sometimes I think I am crazy. Being the other woman is hard - I never imagained this would be so deeply and incredible painful ... I need words, advice, etc. The one thin that has struck me since i found this site is that I am not alone -- do did my MM have an affair with me becuase of ME or did he have an affair because that was what he was looking for - (i was his 4th). My self-esteem is low -- why would he choose his wife - when all I heard was how horrible she was for five years .. over me? Help.

YorkieMom, congratulations on taking back control. Your story is inspiring. <br />
xo