Conflicted And Confused

For 18 years I have been married to a decent man and have had 3 children.  I have respected the fact that I was able to stay at home with my children and enjoy the good life.  However, the good life always felt empty, lonely and sad for me.  At one point in our relationsip while building our family, I had a devastating pregnancy loss.  I was almost 7 months pregnant and lost the baby.  After all was said and done I had many conflicting issues with my husband and how he behaved through that time period.  I was bitter.  Eventually, my family of 1 child grew to 3 but my bitterness never went away.  I began to spend money out of control and was given an ultimatum of having to work.  We never did a lot as a couple but began to do less and less so that I felt incredibly lonely.  Sex was poor.   Eventually,  I found a part time job while all the children were in school and met an incredible Doctor (who was my boss).  I then decided I would leave my husband and had been contemplating it for a very long time.  I had predicted things in my mind about my boss long before they ever came to fruition.  One such prediction was that he would take myself and my coworker on a trip to a seminar "somewhere".  He did it with great urgency when he did do it ( 4 short months after I started working there) and despite the fact that his wife was very unhappy about it.  Afterall, 2 very attractive co-workers one 24, one 45 going on a trip with this man to a seminar.  When he booked the hotel, he also made sure that he had a suite, and we both had individual rooms, although this was not necessary.  He began to wine and dine us from the get go and my reserve to not give in to this man was teetering.  Finally, one night while there, he called my room to tell me he locked himself out of his and would I go with him to the front desk and get a new key LOL right??  I did and from there we began an amazing, intense relationship (not just sexual but everywhere we go people think we are a power couple, beautiful and smart -- it's quite flattering)!!  We both take pride in being in good shape and work out together frequently.   Everyone loves us as a couple and tells us everywhere we go.  From day one he has said he doesn't want to be without me and UNLIKE many of these affair relationships, he actually DID follow through and leave his wife telling her the truth upfront, that he was in love with me and started seeing me on that trip.  I don't want to make myself feel like my situation is so different but he had older children, college age and slightly younger.  They were always everything to him.  Once separated from his wife, his wife began to manipulate the children and told her outright all the hurtful things they really DIDN'T need to know "dad is sleeping with someone he works with, the office is poison, he is sick"  It began to wear on him terribly and even though he began to see them on somewhat of a regular basis it was always very strained.  She had planted a seed within them that they were not to have a relationship with him until things were right and I was fired and out of his life.  She continued to dictate many things while apart from him, that he could not buy a house with me, he could not go to certain towns and be seen with me and ultimately that he would never have a relationship with his girls until he returned to her.  We proceeded to get apartments right next to one another so that we could still both see our children and be together.  Every year when they were married as a family they would vacation in Mexico.  Once separated, his wife decided she would take the children and move to Mexico for 4 months.  It was very bizarre but she began to sell things from the house they owned and looked to rent the house out while they were gone to pay for her place in Mexico.  She pulled the kids out of school and college and "guilt" allowed him to accept the fact they were going and he allowed it.  She then began to pledge her "if you don't see the kids in Mexico, trip", they will never forgive you.  At this point, they didn't have much of a relationship anyways.  He continued to tell me that he loved me and he loved his children too and I believe both.  In the end, he has decided to try to make it work with his family (although he continues to want to see me and tells me he loves me more than anything).  I know, I know -- you're all thinking WTF?????  They all do that but in my heart I guess I want to believe he really does love me.  He is in Mexico now, supposedly working on his relationship with his children - continues to tell me he loves me and that it is a struggle for him to be with her but his kids need to come first.  I, on the other hand am in somewhat of a precarious situation --- need to find a new job, new place to live (couldn't afford the one I got with him as he helped me pay for it).  Why is love soooo stupid -- you'd think at 45 we'd know better, but we don't.  I know what I need to do and should do it with great urgency -- run like hell and never see him again but why does my heart want to jump into his arms and say it's O.K. for as long as it can be?????       

lulubelltru lulubelltru
41-45, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Though my comment is like in 3 months after your post, I still decided to do it. Hope all is well and figured out right now. If not, there's a book I want to recommend - "Women's infidelity. Living in Limbo" by Michelle Langley. <br />
The author explains the psychological process a woman goes through when deciding to have an affair and while having the affair. The author doesn't judge, bud helps to cope. <br />
A close friend of mine, who was married for 8 years, got into an affair. It was intense, but it drove her crazy because of the contradicting feelings she was getting. And she felt a lot of guilt. <br />
That book helped her, answered most of her questions. Maybe it'll help you too.

we always want what we can't have,i have been the other woman too,though circumstances very differnent i got screwed literrally and figuritivly,he was telling his wife we were just friends and that i knew he loved her blah,blah,blah,at the same time he was telling me he had fallen for me and his wife was a "*****" and he would leave her soon and we could be together,she eventually found my number in his phone and called me,i wouldn't answer so she fb'ed me and i ended up telling her everything and telling him to take a flying leap,i had been vulnerable and he took advantage....maybe yours will work out and you will get your happy ending,whats the old saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" sounds like you both know what you want...good luck