Brokenhearted...again

He & I have been together for 6 years as of March 1st.  We were co-workers for a full year with no sign that he was interested in me.  I took another position within the company about 3 hours away.  His division came to my city for a training & I got a surprise email asking if I wanted to have dinner.  Of course I shaved my legs & wore a cute top... just in case but I really had no idea why he would ask ME.  We are 23 years apart.  I thought I was just being stupid & acting like a little girl thinking some distinguished man would be interested in me.  I wasn't in the best of shape physically (I'd put on a few pounds) & I'm smart enough to know I'm not a super model.

We had sex for the first time that night & were very hot & heavy for the first 3 years.  Seeing each other every chance we got.  In cars, at my place, hotels.  He even drove 3 hours to see me one day because she was away at her brothers for the night, but he got spooked when she called (during the best sex we'd had up to that point) & literally got off of me & left.  Worried that she may come home early.

Now I'm 31 & he just turned 55 this week.  I love everything about him.  I even find it endearing how nervous he gets about being caught. 

Anyway, I've dated others during our relationship.  He's only been aware of 1 of them.  We actually broke up during that 7 months.  But we just keep being drawn to each other.  We have such an emotional connection.  And the sex, well I've never had better in spite of the fact he's not that well endowed.  I know it's good for me because I'm in love.

He has always been up front with me saying he has no plans to leave her even though I only hear the stories of how he hates her.  Well maybe not always.  There was a period of about 3 months a year ago where he seriously toyed with the idea of divorce.  Even went to far as to divide up their possessions (in his head) & have serious discussions about how much money the 2 of us made minus possible alimony amounts he could have to pay her.

But now.... we haven't had sex in almost a year (March 31st) & I haven't laid eyes on him since October.  We talk every weekday at work & most weekends over text or email.  I moved to a new city in 2007 & he's only been here to see me once & that was the last time we had sex. 

I know I deserve better.  I know I want someone who can be totally devoted to me.  I know I just want to love & be loved.  He has never told me he loves me.  I waited almost 4 years before I told him.  He gets so jealous if he thinks I'm with someone, but tells me that I need to find someone in order to move on from him. 

I do love him.  More than I should.  I can't talk to anyone about it of course because as far as we've come in this day & age, affairs are still taboo.  I hate myself for what it would do to her if she ever found out & at the same time wish she was smart enough to check his cell phone bill so he can get caught & then be with me.  I know once a cheater always a cheater & how do I know he wouldn't cheat on me?  But I'm brain dead enough to tell myself I don't care.  Even a short time of having him all to myself is better than not ever having had him at all.

I ache for him.  I dream of him.  I want nothing more than to be with him & yet here I am posting on a site for "other women" because I just want someone, anyone to know that my heart is broken.  I've let him hurt me again.  I've let myself get excited that we may have just found the perfect opportunity to have an overnight visit only to find out that he is too scared/nervous to go through with it.

I'm obviously not good enough for him, but not one other man has even looked my way or even asked me for a date since 2005.  I am pretty.  Not drop dead gorgeous, but not a hideous monster either.  So why is no one interested in me?  Would it make me get over him if someone did notice me?

I'm tired of sleeping alone & crying myself to sleep.

mstom3 mstom3
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 6, 2010

I agree with admin secret - it' the vibe you put out there. You need to cut off all contact first. It will hurt like hell! I know because I'm going through that right now. Once you start healing, your demeanor will change automatically. <br />
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As long as you're communicating with him - your heart is tied to him. And what you are doing is putting out a vibe that says: "I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm unworthy, I'm pining away for somebody". No guy will be attracted to that.<br />
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Cut off all comunication with him, stand up straight,and smile all the time. You'll see what happens.