Broken Inside, I Don't Know What To!!

I just can't accept a divorce. People are saying that is selfish. I have not been unfaithful emotionally or physically now I am alone without my best friend in the who wide world!

Here is my version of our story:

. We were set up on a blind date by my boss at the time and his step-mom. I didn't realize at the first meeting how young he was. We attended my company Christmas party together and were immediately laughing, dancing and we became friends. We started hanging out and soon I fell in love with him. Then I found out I was 18 years older then him. I freaked out a little but our friendship had grown so strong that it did not seem to matter. At that time he was making his choice to join the Army, in which I supported him fully. I had never told him him of the love I had for him. I dropped him off at the airport so that he could head back to TX and off to the Army. I had settled on the fact that he was young and needed to live his life so I let him go, resolved on never seeing him again.

One day out of the blue he called me. Which was a big deal for him and me. I recognized is voice right away. We reconnected over the phone talking as frequently as his job and mine would allow. I believe this was about last February or March. About 5 months later he came to ABQ it was the Fourth of July weekend. He proposed to me as the fireworks went off. I was so in love I said yes. So our plan was to get married after his deployment, that would have been sometime after 8/2010.

Right before his leave which we planned and did spend together in TX he decided we should marry before he left. The catch was he wanted to elope. We sort of did but not really his mother blessed the marriage, two of my kids and my niece witnessed our vows on July 22, 2009. Our wedding was casual but in front of God and Family. So we spent up until my soldier had to go back to base in NY. Half with his mom and the other half with his dad and family. I drove back to ABQ from Austin with my niece I was caring for on Aug. 3rd straight through so I could make it back for my new job screening at a Hospital. I never had a chance to slow down at that point. I think we came up to Las Vegas for about ten minutes one day to gather a few belongings. My oldest son was in college here and stayed at the house, my other two kids were in Missouri.  I stayed at my uncles in ABQ with my niece and nephew I was caring for.

 After the TX trip I was broke so I took out a title loan on my car found a sitter for my niece and nephew. My job wouldn't start until the 17th so I bought a ticket and went to NY to spend time with my soldier before he headed out. One night I insisted that he tell the rest of his family we were married. I felt so weird lying to them the whole visit and could not take it anymore. SO he did call and left a message. Unfortunately I had to leave the day before family day so I missed out on connecting with other family members in his unit. I prepared the best I could without much assistance in knowing how to navigate through the Army. I set up a joint account so he could set up an allotment for me, got his APO and started the routine of work and school.

On or around the beginning of October I started getting sick. In November I missed so much work that they put me on personal leave without pay in December. I was so sick I also did not feel I was doing my best for my niece and nephew and got them into what is called treatment foster care through Family Pride Foundation.

I finally told my husband that I was ill and he took it pretty strange but maybe just cause he did not fully understand. He said that it is good I have free medical and that he would get the allotment going. I asked for help again, and again. I was fired from my job because I was never released back to work. I still have no idea what is wrong. I have another battery of tests on the 23rd. In December I relocated partially back to Las Vegas I applied for welfare in which I was approved.

I asked again after this  for help from my soldier he said he would and laughed about the fact that I could qualify for welfare. I just do not think he understands the gravity of his lack of financial support.

He came to ABQ on January 25 for R&R. On the 2nd we argued and he left with his dad, grandmother and grandfather to TX without telling me. The boys and I were left to figure out how to pay for the night we stayed there because he left early and did not cover our room. I ended up using part of February's welfare money to cover the room.

I called him and he just stated that I was a lunatic and he wanted a divorce; I said no and he said he would force me. This is way off for him as far as behavior. Especially since we have been planning our move to Germany and NY. We have also been discussing children adoption just our options. Those are the last words I have heard from him. 

I had lost my mil ID and went out to the Army Reserve in Santa Fe and got another one. It was at that point I decided I needed some help. SO I went and saw the Chaplain and he connected me with resources that have helped me to contact the Commanding Officer in regards to his actions. I know that he had changed from going over there. He was always asking if I would still be here if he lost a limb or something. I said of course I am here for you no matter what and that is what being married is.

Well I am lost, confused and heartbroken. Even his mother won't talk to me. I am not sure as to what I said or did because of my neurological deficit I have been experiencing. I do have a brain scan coming up.

I had to write this out so that I could try and remember but I still cannot recall what it was that made him want a divorce and no chance of forgiveness.

Right now I am trying to save this house, stay medically stable and come up with money for bills. I have had about one or two days without totally breaking down. I have never been this broken hearted.

I want so much to talk with him and find out what he is feeling but I know that I should just let him do his job right now. I guess I am waiting for him to call or email as I usually do. In the first couple of days I sent him email but still nothing.

So many things that are not healthy thinking keep crawling into my head. Did his family make him in some way, was he using me, was I that bad? I just do not know.

Please send me posts with your guidance, opinion and view as to what I should do.

Should I stay go wait ..........

Thanks so much and I pray that all of our SO's are safe.


fallenwife fallenwife
46-50, F
1 Response Feb 19, 2010

It's not selfish for you to want not to divorce.