Big Brother Gone 3 Years Ago.

Alright so I just really started thinking about my brother tonight and had to find some outlet. I am 23. When I was 20, my brother, 23 at the time was living with me and my other friend. We were out at a bar, apparantly he had gotten into cocaine as of that time. None of us really know how much. My parents had no idea at all but I had seen him do it once or twice. I did'nt know it was that serious. I still to this wonder if it's my fault. Or if my parents blame me for not saying anything to them. Anyways, that night I left the bar early because it was raining and it was a summer patio bar. The next morning I got a phone call from my mom. All I remember is she said "the cops came about your brother. They say it looks like suicide". He had parked his truck across from the Rainbow Bridge in Niagara Falls and walked across and jumped. 

I spent weeks thinking that because there was no body that maybe he was still alive. Passed out drunk somewhere or being stupid. Maybe he just wanted to dissappear for while since he'd done that in the past. I was hoping for the best. Then less than two weeks later a body was found in the water. They had to use dental records but it was him. 6'2, medium build. We were not allowed to see the body at all because it had been in the water for so long. It took another two months for the body to be sent over the border back to canada because it was the u.s side that found the body. Paperwork or whatever. Anyways, the burial did'nt really seem real to me. Neither did the memorial service when his body was missing. It's all a blur. Still is. My friends think I should seek counselling but I don't think im experiencing anything out of the ordinary. I did go into a weird blurry depression i think the first year or two. But I am ok now I think. I have direction in life and I think am finally moving forward a bit.

I have no idea how to handle me emotions. My family does'nt talk about it. I have 3 younger brothers still. They dont talk about it. Anytime I do talk about it to friend I feel like theyre thinking "its been 3 years get over it" even thought theyre sympathetic. Anyways I dont know what else to write.