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Surviving My Mother (you Reap What You Sew)

Being the Son of a Mother in law I can relate to People in a Mother In Law relationship from a different perspective.
My Mother had a very hard life and yes, she can be sympathized with.
But just as we as a society can sympathize with someone like Charles Manson etc, their actions are their own and are not condoned nor should be tolerated.

Since moving my Family in with my Mother shortly after the death of my Father I have had to deal with such guilt that it's about to take me down, and it's all because of my Mothers attitude toward my Family.
She didn't want us moving in with her, she wanted me, her Son.
Because of this she has, or is I should say, making me pay for being married and having a Family other than her.

Yes, she's been through hell in her Childhood, even my Father put her through hell as well me and my Sister.
Does that give her the right to act like she's doing?
Did a bad Childhood give Charles Manson the right to manipulate his followers into killing the Tate Family?
Did his manipulation give his followers the excuse for murdering them?
Do I have to answer these questions?...

My Mother, as so many Mother in laws, has NO right to treat our Spouses and our Children with malice and disrespect.
In the same breath, her treatment doesn't give me, my Wife nor my Children the right to treat others badly.

I could tell you of the things my Mother has done in just the past Year to me and my Family but I doubt EP has the storage nor bandwidth to handle it, and what good would it do?
She's still going to carry on like she has and is doing.
I, like I'm sure many reading this, have tried to talk to our Mothers, to reason with her, to try and get her to see what she's doing is not only wrong, but is detrimental to her health as well as the People around her.
Our reasoning and pleas go on deaf Ears and just adds Gasoline to an already out of control inferno within her.

Just like the other Evening.
My Wife had replaced one of the Bulbs in a Floor Lamp to read because the glare from the light made it hard to read.
She went to Bed and forgot to switch them back.
The next Morning my Mother got agitated over the dim light, went and got another Florescent Bulb and replace the one that my Wife had put in.
I had no idea what was going on and told her it might have been because she was reading but I wasn't sure.

She spoke with her condescending tone "I know it was her".
I told my Mom that if it was her, she meant no harm.
She snapped back with a sarcastic look on her Face "Oh it's OK, I know she didn't do it intentionally".

I can see your Head nodding in empathy, because you've been there.

It's like over so many Years of People using and abusing them, they've adopted the attitude that everyone is out to get them.
They trust no one and are so sensitive to everything around them, they take everything we say or try to do for them the wrong way.
It becomes twisted and distorted in their Mind and is taken as personal attacks on them and causes them to react in an angry manner.

We all shall reap what we sew.
That's why there are so many People who sit alone in Nursing Homes, by themselves, with no one visiting them.
We see this and feel sorry for them.
I'd say that the People outside the tattered Box of a Family's relationship with someone like this, look at us with disgust and contempt in their Eyes over how we have abandon her and moved her Son and Grand Kids away, not knowing what went on behind the scenes.

I used to feel bad for People like this, not anymore, we all reap what we sew...

Here's a. analogy from other People’s Eyes of my Mother and I'll bet many Mother in laws fit in certain places as well.

She's a very compassionate, caring, empathetic Woman who comes off to everyone as the Neighborhood's Grandma.
She's the one everyone on the Block can trust.
She's the one on the Block everyone can count on.
She's been through so much but has kept it all together, she is the Matriarch of the Neighborhood.

She's such a Saint for letting her Son move his Bi*ch Wife and Brat Daughter in with her because they needed a place to stay.
And over the last Year they have taken advantage of her kindness to the point she had to go Bankrupt and lost her Minivan because she couldn't afford to pay for it, supporting THEM.

It's so sad that even one of the Neighbors kids offered to buy her House and let her live there for free until things improved.
Her Daughter in law gets chastising looks from People acquainted with Mom and her situation, because they believe everything that she's told them of her situation and how her sons Wife treats her.
Her son gets the same condescending looks because after all, he's the loser who moved them in on her and is taking advantage of her kind heart and destroying her loving “Christian” Home.
He's so lazy and he sure doesn't LOOK disabled.
She's been through so much and will be rewarded some day in Heaven for putting up with so much...

Now for the truth.
Shortly after my Father died, My Mother begged us to move in with her because she was scared to be alone.
I was disabled the previous Year but have managed to maintain my Family through being smart enough to get LTD insurance.
We were renting a nice little House and where doing OK.

I felt bad for my Mom, knowing that she was afraid of being by herself with my Niece so I fell into her hysteria, fearing that something might happen to them.
Basically it's just like someone threatening suicide, My Mother threatened that if we didn't move in, someone would break in and kill them both, then I’d be sorry.
She painted this wonderful Picture of how we'd all be one big happy Family, living together in peace and harmony.
Talk about a guilt trip and distorted Picture of reality...

Since moving in we paid her over $600.00 a Month in rent for the first 8 Months living here, and are now paying $300.00 a Month after I had a talk with her and told her that it was financially draining us because right now I'm only getting $1,900.00 a Month for LTD insurance.
We also spend an average of $80.00 a Week on Groceries and buy our own Laundry detergent.
We cost this Woman nothing to support but have to hear her constantly complain about the Electric Bill, Water Bill.

Not to mention the constant lessons of the inner workings of a Septic system and how WE"RE going to cause her to have to spend the Money on getting it pumped because we allow our Brat Daughter to take longer showers than she sees fit.
Every Time my Daughter washes her Hands in the Kitchen I cringe because I see the look come over my Moms Face and I know that any second she's going to holler at her about wasting Water.

She constantly complains about how she does Laundry wrong, how disrespectful she is, how she’s being mean to my Niece and how horrid we are because we don’t include my Niece every time we step out the Door, but it’s perfectly fine for my Niece to go on outings with my Sister because that’s different, that’s a “Family Bonding” Time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Niece and I abhor the fact that my Mom is using her as a Pawn in her twisted game.

Thanks to her treating my Daughter like she does, my Daughter hates her, and I have no argument to the contrary.

We all do truly reap what we sew, all of us, including me.

As time goes on, my Mother will end up as one of those puttied People sitting alone in a Nursing Home, with no one coming to visit, and she’s bringing it all on herself. As the Days go by I see the animosity grow within my Niece towards her Grandmother.

If she keeps it up she’ll drive everyone away.

You know, I still feel sorry for her

HurtAtWork HurtAtWork 41-45, M 15 Responses Oct 17, 2008

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I am glad we own our house and we are out of hers .

thank you donald for writting this i needed to hear it from you how you feel about things

look where we are now hun praise god we have our own house. a house of love and peace

Thank you for writing that blog I love you<br />
hun

hey hun we will be moved out lord willing by christams <br />
and we will make it with out her pearls of wisdom

you havent walked a mile in our shoes and its so easy to say its his falt ,its sad that you dont know all the h ell shes put us threw. my husband respects his mother and has been there for her when she watched her husband die then she laughted at my husband for paying 4 grand for his fathers furnal. you cant be any more heartless then laughting at your son for helping a old lady in needed

You're right and wrong.<br />
I'm not my Mothers biggest problem, she's mine.<br />
Her biggest problem is how she's allowed her past to make her bitter and angry and she takes it out on everyone around her.<br />
<br />
My biggest problem is the fact I've allowed how she's raised me and my past to affect my judgment and I've let my Family down because of it.<br />
Its funny how you talk of your Sister because my sister has become exactly what my Mother has always wanted, someone who is an emotional, social cripple, and my Mother resents her for it, but relishes in it as well. <br />
I’ll tell you how bad it is and how far my Mother will go to prove her point and get her way.<br />
She manipulated and threatened my Sister in order to get custody of her Daughter. She beat her down so bad mentally and emotionally that in the end, she allowed my Mother to adopt her Daughter.<br />
Since gaining custody of my Niece she has manipulated and controlled her to the point she’s becoming an emotional basket case as well.<br />
My Mothers rules:<br />
#1 I’m always right<br />
#2 If you have any questions, concerns or problems refer to Rule #1<br />
You have to understand that I’m just now waking up from the Fog she’s had me in for all these Years so don’t judge me too harshly.<br />
It’s taken moving my Family into her World to open my Eyes to her manipulative ways.<br />
I’ve blamed myself so harshly that I’ve contemplated suicide over it.<br />
Since moving My Family in with her, she’s pushed my Wife to the point she had a stroke last Feb over the stress.<br />
I know allot would say GET OUT!<br />
Well, financially my Mother has drained us to the point, we can’t, we’re stuck here until my Workers Comp case settles and my Mother knows this.<br />
The Day I brought my Wife home from the Hospital, my Mother acted like it was no big deal.<br />
In fact, she didn’t really act like anything, like my Wife was faking it or something.<br />
But she made sure to remind me that the rent was due that Week…<br />
<br />
You talk of getting tough and telling her like it is.<br />
I could do that, then she’d throw a fit and evict us, she’s threatened it before when I’ve tried to talk to her and be straight forward.<br />
The way she plays that game is to tell me how she’s opened up her Home to my Wife and Daughter and how she won’t hesitate to kick them both out.<br />
She always makes sure she lets me know I’ll always have a place to stay but to hell with them.<br />
I guess if I was selfish I could take your advice and tell her like it is and let my Wife and Daughter be thrown into the Street, but I have to be the Diplomat in order to keep shelter for them.<br />
She never says she’s going to throw me out, it’s always them.<br />
<br />
She told me if I married my Wife I’d regret it, now I know what she was talking about…<br />
<br />
I’ll always love my Mom, but I loathe what she has become and it will be very hard for me to forgive her for the way she’d treating my Family, a Family that has done nothing to her.

I hope your settlement comes SOON!!! I'm so sorry.

Whoa. I must say, its weird hearing such things from a man. By the middle of the post, I had to remind myself that I wasnt on the I Hate My MIL site.<br />
<br />
You have provided an honest and eloquent point of view that the world is not used to hearing. Kudos. People always thinnk its the woman, shes manipulating him into treating his mother badly.<br />
<br />
Its so horrible that she is using your niece to guilt trip you, not only for your family but your niece also. That cant make her feel good.<br />
<br />
Yeah I know how that is, nobody can ever believe that someone (especially my future MIL) could do the things they are accused of. They are good at faking it.<br />
<br />
I hate it when people pick on children to prove their points, like the water thing with your daughter. No wonder she doesnt like her, no one likes to be the example.<br />
<br />
When your family finally does get out of there, please dont forget about your niece. Obviously I dont know what her mother is like, but seeing as you know how your mother treats her, you should be there to let her know shes done nothing wrong. Once she is there alone with your mother, its hard to know how she really treats your niece. Im sure your mother wont admit to driving you and your family out of the house, and in my opinion from what Ive read about your mother, she may find a way to push the blame onto your niece, which isnt fair.<br />
<br />
Anyway, it was really cool of you to share your story and I wish you and your family the best of luck.

its so sad we cant even bring this up and talk to her <br />
how to even help her she dont want hellp and she will be the first to tell you i dont have a problems you do. all we can do is for now walk away from her till she wants help shes living in her own created h ell shes happyest there

its liek she walks around with the auutdre we owe it to her <br />
what ever the it is. we pay our way she knows she making money off our backs and she dont care

and you know hun if we cronered your mother she would denie it all and tell us like shes told us befor ive opended up my house to you and i wont be talk to like that <br />
all i can say is i gave my house up for her <br />
but her days are numbered for us to be in her house

Oh trust me, it is killing her that my wife isn't confrontational. <br />
We're just waiting for the settlement to go through and we're out of here. <br />
If someone would have told what was going to happen before we moved in I'd have called them a liar, what a difference a Year makes...

'KILL' HER WITH KINDNESS, THAT WAY YOUR CONSCIENCE WILL ALWAYS BE CLEAR BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE BY KEEPING YOUR RESPECT. YOUR RESPONSES ARE YOUR CHOICE - DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER ANGER AND ALLOW HER TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS - YOU HAVE THE POWER OVER YOURSELF & SO FAR IT SEEMS YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. AS SOON AS IT IS POSSIBLE - MOVE OUT!

hun it dont make it right<br />
i feel sorry for luna shes got fleas <br />
but she dont get to cme out of our bedroom and her and gizmo been coped up in the bedroom for over a year<br />
becale of 5 wonderful dogs. she chooses to treat us the way she does and she dont care beclase you disobayed momme and gotten married again! shes gona make us all pay for your happyness!<br />
she wont break us up! becalse i love you!