On a Different Tangent

I am the wife but I am the abuser.  I react to my anger by becoming violent.  I smash pots and pans around in the kitchen, I slam any doors in my path and I have serious thoughts of harming my husband.  I hate this because I have no idea how to calm myself down, get help or even talk about it.  I am a master at isolation - because I really hate how out of control I can get. 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

 

tiredofangry tiredofangry
36-40, F
7 Responses Feb 13, 2009

Hello TiredofAngry, I too share your same testimony and I am in wonder about it . I do not know when my abuses pasted over from harsh words to in the moment having a heart to physically harm. I do know this behavior in my past was a defense mechanicism to stand up for myself in my relationship with men, my first time striking out physically was when I was 23, now that I recall it and it was with my son's biological father. I always thought if I gave my all and loved hard enough and was a good girlfriend and wife then I would be loved accordingly in return. I spend ten years in on again and off again abusive relationships trying to do right and live right and retaliating in anger and physical violence. I am married now to a once Pastor who turned out as we all are prone to the same sinfulness against me and I have fallen many times into my same pattern. I had gotten out of relationships and turned my life over to Christ and begin to pray with my son for a husband/father and when I met him I thought I was going to get to live my fairy tale life. He however began displaying as the Bible says sins common to mankind and I gave my all for a year to be submissive and pray off the urges to lash out. After about a year and on top of his very stern religious background and husbandry, I had to deal with coming to terms with his family's abuses as I was thinking all of this was God humbling me in my life and bringing me to where he wanted me to be. I would take their abuse and when I did lash out at my love, I would allow those thoughts to arrest my heart and mind and it would cause my lashing out to be explosive. That went on for about one year and one day I broke it seems. I went for counseling at our new church as our lives were changing drastically; spiritually, mentally, and physically in its make up. I have always been very transparent and in my counseling I just let go, but I did not receive what I thought counseling was designed for, all I was made to do was point fingers and blame myself. One day accessed my life, after much prayer and relating to my husband and our fights becoming less frequent and looked at where this behavior stemmed from, why do I react violently, what is it teaching my son and who ends up hurt more in the end and the answer was me. I cried afterwards and felt ashamed and drained and heartbroken and apologetic. The men in my life would usually sweep it under the rug and we would move on to their next sin and my sinful retaliation. Then I thought what was it truly all about and it came to me-control, I wanted to control situations whether good or bad and when I couldn't and suffered in them or for them, I wanted these men to suffer as well. I have given my heart and this sinful behavior over to God and I struggle with it much less now and when I am sinned against I just think of God's forgiveness to me and how He has kept me. I tell my son the truth of my sin and explain it as does my husband when he sins against me and we are moving forward in our family. I do realize as one responder stated I have been a victim in generational curses and have taken up the abuse I endured as a child and lived on in it. I pray that my son is the last link and that is why I give my all now to stop such behaviours. I am praying for us both and thank you for your testimony again.

I had to make the decision too. My parents helped in the aftermath. I kept the abuse silent until I had the courage to leave. In many cases, I believe the parents help pick up the pieces.

I am conducting research to explore the help provided by parents when faced with their adult child's experience with domestic violence.

If you are interested, please encourage your parents to take a 20 minute survey at http://www.takesurveynow.2truth.com

I am an alcoholic and an abuser. I weigh 220 my GF weighs 120. We both drink too much. she probably is just as bad as I with alcohol; too much. She normally attacks me when we drink and I'm used to it. But tonight I hit her. Hit her in the ribs chest and face. She did initiate it but I hit her. She had a bloody nose from me. What have I become? I am a monster and should be in jail. I AM A MONSTER. I was going to clean up the detritus of our fight earlier but I have decided to leave it there in case I forget and to remind her. She's passed out right now.

tired of angry<br />
<br />
As deeply as this violence is, it's something you learned in early childhood. Somehow, you were a victim of this type of violence... It may be that you were "scared to death" by the actions of a caregiver.<br />
<br />
Talk, Talk, Talk.<br />
<br />
Ding Dao

Just to update you guys: I have calmed down considerably since writing this. I can feel a rage coming on and I just get out and accept that this is partly my fault as well. <br />
<br />
I also, either write down what it is that is really getting on my last nerve or I tell whomever that I have something that is necessary for me to tell them and to let me know when they are ready to hear it. For some reason that stops some one dead in their tracks and makes them think of me for one minute and to see that there is a bigger picture. <br />
<br />
For so many people, it is much easier to not talk about the bad stuff. I HAVE to talk about it. When I don't - I erupt and become volatile. I hope that maybe this gives some insight to someone else's involved with someone like me. I know I do not have a mental disability but I am a talker and when that need is not met, then things will blow up.

Get in touch with me if you would like to talk about this. I might be able to help as well

I highly suggest getting counseling. You are a very angry woman... and very well may have the right to be, however, no human being deserves that type of wrath unless they are harming you in some way. If your husband is trying his best to be a good spouse and acts in a manner in which he shows love, you should not be abusing him... or anyone else for that matter. Do you have children? If you do, its not good for your kids to see you that angry all the time. Not healthy at all!