My Wife Is A Sex AddictI am a Husband of a Sex Addict.
Our stories are different as is our perspective, but we share the devastating consequences of this terrible disease. Most of us have been faithful, loyal and honored our vows throughout. Some of us stayed and some of us left. We all seek a healthy recovery and we will need to find the strength to find it within ourselves.
In 2011, I found out my wife is a sex addict. I have since discovered there are very few resources available for spouses of female sex addicts. I started to write a blog that is hopefully of some value and support to those husbands, ex-husbands and others looking for education and knowledge that they are not alone. I write about my struggles in my blog: www.MyWifeIsASexAddict.blogspot.com
I want to share my story with others in the attempt for mutual healing too.
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
Where to begin?
How to begin?
Each question begets more questions.
My wife is a sex addict!
This is not a theory, but a fact as she went through intensive almost two-month inpatient program to initiate recovery. After 15 years of marriage and two wonderful children, it makes me sad.
Your first question I know is: Am I still married to her? Yes I am. Sometimes that makes me sad too. Because had I known what I know as truth today (and only "officially" discovered after she committed to recovery and sexual sobriety,) I won't be. How pathetic I feel that I did not trust my gut instincts and all the signs (but no smoking gun) and get out before seemingly losing my dignity too.
Here are the stats:
3 Facebook Accounts
5 Email Addresses
7 Extra-marital Physical Affairs (All unprotected) "Qualifiers"
8 Extra-marital Emotional Affairs that never got intimate
$150,000 in medical bills
Countless fractured friendships
Could it have been much worse? You betcha. The "good news" is that she is clean of STD's and she did not get pregnant. Why is considered amazing? Because she almost exclusively had unprotected intercourse with her qualifiers. What was she thinking and what were these men thinking?
Her affairs run the spectrum and know no boundaries (sorry for the metaphor). Here are some of the characteristics: Cross country travel, Facebook, A weekend away in local hotel, Married, Single, Internet Video Sex, Herpes carrier, Little League Coach, Instructor, Sex in the woods.
The hurt and pain for me, the betrayed husband, are never-ending.
Did I let this happen to me? Unquestionably Yes. I have many, many regrets. But I also know my wife, who is in her mid 40s, is solely responsible and accountable for her actions.
Today, she is attempting to fix herself and so far, so good.
Am I a co-addict? A Co-dependent? A Victim? An Enabler? A Rescuer? A Private Detective? Who knows? I'm probably all the above, if not more. What I know for sure is that I have remained monogamous, loyal and honored my marriage vows.
I also have found strength to commit and support her recovery as well as mine. I've discovered a new found fortitude to not comprise my morals and ethics anymore. It maybe unorthodox as you will find out but it feels right to me.
My kids remain my priority, with myself second and my marriage a distant third.
So my wife maybe off the merry-go-round of sex addiction, but follow me on the never-ending roller coaster of recovery and read stories of how her sex addiction has turned my life upside down.
This is an addiction that is difficult, if not possible to share with others, especially if you make the decision to stay in the marriage. Although in the disease, many sex addicts carry great shame, the committed and monogamous partners carry a different kind of shame. I for one carry the shame from my embarrassment for my wife's behavior and seemingly my loss of dignity and moral values.
I too face the same consistent struggle that all partners (male and female) of sex addicts: Trust: How to rebuilt it and when to give it?
I hope other men affected by their wife's sex addiction now know that they are not alone. And maybe female sex addicts can obtain some perspective as of what kind of trauma they may have (or are) putting their husbands through.