Which Came First?!

I'm in the process of divorce which my husband initiated. I didn't want to lose him...we were together for 27 years, married for 17 and have two gorgeous boys (10 and 12 years old). But things with him were strained from the start. The sex issues were the first things I noticed that were "off". He was distant during and after sex (but nicer at ANY other time). He was a two-timer and put women into categories of "innocent" or "*****". He used **** and hid it. He had a gay sex encounter (cheated on me). He had crushes on lots of other women which he acted on (invited them over, flirted, complimented them, etc.). He preferred **** to real sex. He loved teenage lesbian **** and he is a high school teacher so this disturbed me. He wanted to hire a lady of the night to have sex with me while he watched (I refused).

He gave me the silent treatment (even three days while we were on our honeymoon and one of the days was my birthday). He had rage attacks in which he lost control, hit and broke things. He became verbally and emotionally abusive calling me a bad mother, wife, employee, sex partner, etc. He really wasn't a kind loving person, but he saw himself as a great catch, very romantic, sensitive and someone who "did everything" in the relationship.

Now that it's over, I've been trying to figure out what went wrong. My therapist believes he has NPD with traits of BPD and that he is an abusive person and likely has a sex addiction. I wonder if the sex addiction is what underlies everything or if the NPD underlies everything.

Does it even matter which is the underlying issue!? Well, I feel that if it's something treatable, then he can get better.

I miss my family life. My kids are suffering. My 10 year old is failing at school (was an A student before). I feel like a failure for not being able to keep my marriage going. I don't want another man. I don't really want him either...he was really MEAN to me. Maybe the impending holidays have me feeling nostalgic and lonely. I wonder if he is happier now that he left me. And if he is having lots of romance, sex and fun. I know I'm not.

I am putting this out there because I'm really hurting right now. And I just wish things could have been different.
Zensters Zensters
41-45
Dec 9, 2012