27 Years Of Marriage

I have been married for 2 years. I knew my husband struggled with ****. His addiction did not spin out of control it crumbled piece by piece.Occasionally I found evidence he set up singles accounts looking for females and chat rooms then it went deeper. One day he went on Craigslist and justified the definition of cheating and started meeting men that would perform oral sex on him. All of which was discovered when our grandchild became deathly ill and was in the hospital fighting for her life.My youngest adult daughter discovered his secret email account accidentally. My stomach still hurts thinking about it. The lies and deception was skilled and calculated. Upon discovery he was of course remorseful broken and wanting to salvage the marriage. After a short hospital stay some meds for compulsiveness and depression we should have been well on the way. Typically when one person is out of control and stops the other feels out of control (me). i was a drug and alcohol counselor for years so I get the addiction side of it. I understand it was just a high. But to some degree it almost feels like the last straw. My husband has used all of our marriage proud of the fact he does not cry. Is embarrassed to show any kinds of affection public or private. He struggles to say I love you the times it was not a struggle I can count on one hand. He has spent the duration of our marriage selfish and sneaking around. With money, purchases, and sex addiction. I love him although I am not sure what I love. I have had 27 years of my life with him although he has not been available for me. Sitting here now there is so many memories that flood my mind. Times where I waited for hours for him to pick me and he never showed. Times when he used bill money to buy himself some toy. Dinner time how he hovers around the stove making sure to eat first. For 27 years I have poured myself in to someone who never had anything to give me back. The positives are we have always been great buddies and have done many fun things together. But emotionally he is absent and always has been. Ironically I can move past the Craigslist thing but not sure if I can live the rest of my life alone in a marriage. I can not imagine being with anyone else, nor can I imagine liven in such a cold lonely marriage. He can acknowledge this and appears to understand. His medicine has helped him multitudes but how can a man live his entire life shut off from everything and suddenly kick into gear. I do think he is sincere and he wants to be that man but I question if he can.
lindaalves3 lindaalves3
Jan 20, 2013