The Connection....emotional Affairs And Sex Addiction

It seems odd to me that I never before really totally connected my 2 biggest marriage problems in my mind. My husband is a po*n addict, which has almost destroyed our marriage from my point of view, and I think I am having an emotional affair with one of my best friends, which is destroying our marriage from my husband's point of view. Hello? Seems so obvious at this moment how these problems could feed into each other. Why didn't I see it before? Holy crap. Dysfunctional marriage or what?

I am not willing to completely give up my "friendship" with this other man, even though it bothers my husband, because I am so afraid I will never get intimacy (emotional) again if I push him away. I am so lonely. This is a bad way to handle the loneliness, I know. But it makes me feel special, whereas with my husband and his addiction, I only feel distraught, hurt, and suffocated....
kathpro kathpro
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

Hi Kathpro

I'm sorry that you are struggling with your feelings and I can see how you long for emotional intimacy. Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder after all. However, I don't think that your attraction to your friend is healthy or sustainable. It's coming from a place of are seeking comfort and connection, yes, but you are already in a relationship. It's a triangle. And you may get sucked into that triangle drama of the switching roles (victim, rescuer, villain). If you are seeing your friend as some kind of white knight, be very very careful. There is no such thing. And in triangles, you can't be "equals" with the other players.

You must figure out if you are in or out with your spouse. Don't base it on how you feel about your friend. Base it solely on your relationship with your husband. Affairs are fantasies and most don't last. I read the vast majority of affairs (97%) fail. And emotional affairs are just as devastating to marriages as physical affairs (even more so).

I think you need to cut contact with your friend and work on your marriage. You can't have both. But your husband must dedicate himself to getting better. It's not fair to you if he keeps his love affair with p*rn (the celluloid other women in his life).

Be strong!! Your suffering is completely understandable!

Thanks Zensters,
I think you are right about the "triangle"stuff. And I have been thinking that I need to cut contact with my friend, although actually doing it seems very difficult. I don't think of him as saving me or wish that I could be with him instead of my husband, and I don't share things with him that include "If only I could be with you" or "I want you", or "you understand me and my husband doesn't". I really love my husband, and could never imagine leaving him for another person. If I leave my husband it will be because of the addiction, and even then, I can't imagine going into another relationship, maybe not ever. I feel emotionally close to this other man as a support and a very dear friend. So I have been confused as to whether this qualifies as a true "emotional affair". However, even still, it is probably too close to be appropriate, it would probably be hurtful to my husband, and I may just be justifying reasons why I don't want to cut off contact. Thank you for your thoughts!!!!

I understand how lonely it can be. My husband was a sex addict. He was emotionally distance from me. He preferred going places without me. And yet, he was very dependent on me. I loved him - very much. In the end, I had to leave - for my own emotional and physical health. It was the hardest thing I ever did - leave a man I loved because he was too sick. We tried counseling but he couldn't see his part. I was the wrong one. That was years ago and I'm still recovering from the effects of being in that relationship - which I choose!
I had to learn how to create supportive, healthy relationships.
Is your friendship with this man really healthy? Is there ANY sexual tension? If there is, it is not healthy.
I did not end up in a relationship with a sex addict without also having a part in it. We must each know what our part is. Part of mine was getting self-worth from being sexually attractive. Yours could be something else.
I had to learn how to nurture myself and do healthy things. I'm changing my profession and I moved to another city. I'm starting over and not looking back.

Thank you for sharing with me! I think your courage is amazing! I do think that creating healthy relationships is something that is going to take time to learn. And everyone who is close to me loves my husband, even though some of them now know about his addiction. I feel that I can't possibly have a true view of what's going on when everyone pressures me to save the marriage. I am in counseling now, and starting to learn more about who I am and what I want, where my self-worth comes from, etc. perhaps if I have a better view of myself, I will be able to have a better understanding of what I need to do in my marriage.
Thank you, you have given me some inspiration!