This Is Not What I Signed On For

I am married to a sex addict. We think we know when and it all started and why it happened. I still don’t know if we got it right, but does it really matter. We started out with a great relationship, I thought we both had the same plan for how we wanted our lives to progress. We got married, both saw each other make it through college with degrees. Had kids and bought a cute little house in a great school district. This moved me farther away from my job, forcing me to commute, anywhere between 1-2 hours each way (depending on traffic). Then shortly after, there was a huge corporate merger, with data transfer, software conversion, new management, the whole works. Needless to say, I was forced to work long hours and was pretty stressed out. On top of all that, I injured myself causing me to be stuck on crutches for six weeks. My husband is a bit primitive in the way he sees the roles of men and women. Because even though I was away from the house more than he was, and I was on crutches… it was, still my job to cook, clean, do all the grocery shopping and care for our two children. I am sure you get the point here.

It only took him three months of this before he cheated on me. While I am at work, he pays for a hookers, has them come to MY house, and screws them in MY bed!  I won’t bore you all with the sick twisted details and just make a long story short, so here are the Cliff’s Notes… This habit got progressively worse, fast forward to now…. I wake up one day and all of a sudden my husband, the man I am supposed to love and cherish for the rest of my life, is on every dating site known to man and trying to screw anything that moves.  We are $50,000 in debt because both of our incomes weren’t enough to support the house, bills AND his prostitution habit. And the worst part about it all, every single word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He betrayed my trust, toward the end I started to find little things like charges for the dating sites or random text messages from complete strangers saying how they wanted to hook up with him. I feel so stupid for believing the lies he used to continue this deception.

Now that everything has come out and I know what to look for, he can’t get away with much. This has caused some serious damage… I can’t trust him, I constantly think he is trying to find a way to deceive me again, and he always gets so mad at me for not trusting him. I am sorry, but I feel that after all he has done, he should be bending over backward trying to make it up to me. He should be doing everything in his power to make me feel secure. Because…. I don’t think he loves me…. He says he does, but he has lied so many times before. Plus, how could anyone do anything like this to someone they love?

 But I am an understanding person and I can see that his childhood is to blame for all this. So as I am dealing with the severe trauma his betrayal has caused me, I am forced to put my pain aside to help him through his… But what about me? I think he should be the one to fix me, I used to be so upbeat, optimistic and social. Now I can’t even leave my house, every smile is forced, and  I do anything I can to avoid talking to anyone. The love I once had for life is now completely dead and I am left with just an outer shell of an existence with no hope.

TypicalPisces TypicalPisces
36-40, F
6 Responses Mar 7, 2010

WOW, I almost cried while reading this...

This sounds so horrible and I hope things are better now. Was he sexually abused in his Childhood and that is what caused his behavior? Was there anything in your own childhood that caused you to want to stay with such a despicable man?

You're probably like my gf. She is the MOST understanding, nurturing and sweetest person I have EVER met. And when I hurt her by cheating, I IMMEDIATELY stopped everything I was doing and began working on regaining her trust and love for me. I call her almost every 10mins when we are not together telling her where I am, who I am with, when I am leaving, etc.. It took some time, but things are good now, not perfect, but really good. She loves me like know one else has ever loved me and when I made her cry, it was the WORST feeling in the world.

Amber, <br />
The sympathy I have for you runs deep, I know exactly where you are right now :-( it is a dark, lonely, hopeless place that I stayed trapped in these past few years of my life. I am not an expert on sex addiction, by any means, however, I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy, done extensive research, joined as many support groups as I could find... and I am happy to say, I am rising from the ashes of that desolate existence like a phoenix, completely transforming myself into a stronger, wiser, more ideal individual, free of self-doubt and full of hope! <br />
The only advice I can give to you, may sound a little cliche, but I have to say it anyway... Learn to love and trust yourself... Being married to a sex addict, conditions you to lose trust in yourself. The lies you are told, whether you believe them or not, leave you questioning yourself, constantly wondering, never actually knowing.... REMEMBER: you do not have to prove anything to make it reality, if you feel something is not right... it probably isn't. Once you are able to allow you and your husband (or significant other) to have differing realities, you will instantly find the relief you are looking for. <br />
Please, DO NOT allow anyone to tell you what to do, just because something was right for one person, doesn't mean that it will work for everyone who finds themselves in the same position. <br />
ADVERSITY... CONFLICT.... PAIN..... These are things that wives of sex addicts become intimately familiar with... they are not pleasurable, by any means.... but they are catalysts for individual growth. We have been dealt a pretty crappy hand to play, I personally take comfort in knowing that I was dealt the cards that I NEEDED to be dealt, and I have given myself the confidence that I will play them the way life intended me to..... Good Luck on your journey, it is one of the most difficult you will ever have to endure.... transformation is inevitable, who you end up being at the end of it, depends on the work you put into it :-)

Patientalpha,<br />
I want to thank you for every word you said.... Please do not think that you overstepped any boundaries at all. EP is a place where we can all share the wisdom we have taken from the adversity we have endured and share it with the new crop of lost, and confused individuals who desperately seek subsistence from veteran sufferers of the same heartbreak we seek console from. Once again, you have impeccable timing. I have known for quite some time that my husband confuses love and sex, however, I never thought to think of him as a “love addict” It is absolutely genius! As soon as you mentioned your wife and her addiction, I instantly saw my situation parallel to yours. It is so simple and obvious, I feel almost silly for it not being apparent to me before.

I am looking forward to a strong alliance, and feel it is all but inevitable we will share many rich exchanges that will, like the squares of the quiklt, begin to gather strength as they are sewn together. <br />
<br />
I like the image of two sisters locked arm-in-arm, eyes shining as the exit they're "home" after a very long winter. Their pace quickens, and, after awhile, it is difficult to tell if their feet are touching the ground at all....they know they can fly if they are able to keep each other strong and ensure, each to the other, that they do not look down....<br />
<br />
Let's see if we can't help each to stop looking down! <br />
<br />
Note to reader: hope that tangent that carried me off tonight isn't too strange... I find myself in an unusual mood, more open than I have felt in months, altho I have no idea why! and this image just sort of flashed into my mind for a moment. Thought I should share since it arrived just as I finished your email, which I really enjoyed. Hope to talk again soon. Very well met.

She is right you know.... The voice..... She has a name, although I do not know it myself she is the daughter of Strength and Hope. If you listen to her more often and are able to put your own needs above the needs of others around you, you will be able to hear her much more clearly as well as more frequently... When the world is telling you to give up and you feel like you have nothing left to give anyone, including yourself.... Hope is that little voice you hear telling you to try one last time and strength is that second wind that gives you the courage to give it one more go at it. I have a feeling you are like myself and perceive acts of self-care as being "selfish" Next time you feel that way, I want you to think back to the last time you were on an airplane, the flight attendants give their little safety spiel before you take off.... Every Time, they inform the passengers of the emergency oxygen masks, They tell you to put you mask on first, even before you help your children..... "because you are not going to be any use to your children if you are dead"

He Needs to Fix Me: <br />
I have to myself so many times and even a few times to him, a definite mistake. !t made sense to me, he made the holes, so he is the only one who can fill them up. Like you I have been alone in most aspects of our so-called "union." Twelve years of working solo to make our relationship work, 12 years of playing giver to his taker, and 12 years of doing EVERYTHING necessary to keep the house running in the neat and orderly fashion he seemed unhappy without. I could go on...(but I'll spare you:)<br />
He gave me false hope two months ago when, in a very public way, that he has been emotionally abusive for the last two years. But after seeing the look on his face when I asked him to salve my wounds with affection and appreciation, the look on his face told me what I already knew: he simply can't love me in the way I need to be loved. And then there's that god damn voice in my head, the same one I heard as I healed from the much more seemingly dramatic physical abuse I suffered for over three years at the hands of my bio dad. That voice that keeps whispering, altho it is growing steadily louder, that only I can fix myself. God Damn It, I wish she would shut up.