Fatigued By The Heartache

Hello to all.....

I knew and loved my husband's first wife. I was with her, states away from our homes, when she learned that she had stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She faught for 3 years and died in late 2006. I moved to the UK for three years and lost touch with her family, a grieving husband and two daughters for several years.
In early 2011, after I had settled back in the US, he contacted me and asked how my son and I were doing. We exchanged messages online for many months before it occured to us that we had become quite attached to hearing from one another and that maybe we would like to meet again. He came to NYC where I was working, we connected immediately and decided that we wanted to share our lives.
That was the beginning. Over the next year we saw each other when we could (we lived states apart) and did our best to prepare his daughters for their dad's choice to love again.
After almost a year, he got on bended knee and asked me to marry him. One more year later, on October 11, 2012 we were married.
I am now the wife of a widower. I love him dearly. We have had some magical times.
My heartache comes from the constant bombardment of the "landmines" that I have now learned are a common bond between us women.
The refusal of many in his family to accept me or to be considerate of my feelings, his inability to "handle" his daughters when they are inappropriate, the frequent comparisons made between myself and my beloved friend, his wife.
Moving into his home (so that his 15 year old does not have to move) and sleeping in their bed, where they made love and where she died.....
The list is so long.
I feel so very alone, finding it difficult to know how to make even the tiniest little space in his world for ME.
I need help. I have sought the help of a therapist, no help there. No one seems to understand all of this.
I do NOT want this marriage to fail....I am struggling to see how this painful life can become all there is to my future....will I ever be his wife or just the "consilation prize" to play with until he can be reunited with "the Love of His Life" in Heaven....?
~Hurting in a terrible way
Heart2sizes2Big Heart2sizes2Big
41-45, F
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I have been the WOW for 4.5 years now. He has two children near the same ages as my children. He and his late wife were married 13 years, but were together a total of 17 or 18 years before she died in a car accident.

I have never found another person so easy and yet so hard to love. He's hard to love because I find myself in tears all the time and it's because of this constant feeling of being inadequate and unequal to her. He has never made the comparisons, I have. He says things sometimes which upset me and they end up upsetting me for days because I've never loved another person the way I love him and I know he will never love me like that. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me, but I feel I'll always be number two. He'll never say that, but the day before Valentines Day he said he needed to go to town to get me something and he needed to pick up 3 roses to take to the cemetery. I told him I didn't feel like sharing all my holidays with her 50 years after she was dead. Insensitive, maybe, but it hurt that I can't have a Valentines Day with my husband and without her.

I started looking up this WOW thing, hoping I can find some help and comfort and ways to deal with this correctly. I cry every time I read it will always be a relationship of three and that he will always miss her and there will be times he has to grieve. it kind of makes you feel like a bottom feeder or something. What about me? Why can't I be loved the same way he is loved or she is loved. I am worthy just like the rest of you are.

Sometimes I wish I'd never married him because it hurts so badly. I hope someday it gets better, but I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I would love to say it gets easier, but at least in my circumstance it doesn't. Maybe you are a better woman than me, I wish I were a better woman because all of my joy has drained from me and it isn't his fault, it is mine. He affirms his love for me all the time. He doesn't talk about her very often, but when something is said or something is done like it was a couple days ago it absolutely devastates me.

When I was a little girl I dreamed of the love of my life and I knew how I wanted to be loved but early on he put a great deal of insecurity into my worth to him. I've never gotten over those few, big issues we had. They are deep, infected scars and I no longer trust his affirmations of love, his attention. I adore him, but I do not to believe the extent of his love for me. This is the life of this widower.

I have decided to talk to him after reading so much about what the 2nd wife should do, and maybe it would help. I doubt it, but I have to try. I don't want to be accused of being inconsiderate of his feelings, but mine are drowning me. Good luck to all of you, it's not easy and that is an understatement. I should have done this a long time ago. I might have been happier than I am now if I had.

This is just where I need to be! Recently married to a widower..... He is very good to me and I love him very much! I realized approx 6 months ago that our home is not, will not ever be my home! Kids are adults now... Live fairly close and they are good to me. I left where I had lived for over 26 years still being married , by law, not by heart! I had been sleeping on the couch for over 10 years.... It was way past over. Anyway.... I a,m very happy with my husband now!

Living in a small town. He a business owner. Everyone knows him, his former wife of over 35 years and their children. The kids grew up in this home.....it belongs to them. I understand and believe it's simply true and right! So..... Trying to make this house " my home, our home" has brought me to a place of paralyzation. I came here with a suitcase and a few boxes!

My husband is older than I and I know, as hard as I try, I won't allow myself to get comfy here! My heart is with my husband, not the house! Even if he leaves it to me in his will.... I can not and will not fight the children for it! It's not who I am. Soooo..... Prayer is needed badly for me as well. I can purchase a home and we could move into it. It's been a little over 7 years since she's past....I thinl he'lol consider it . He wants me to make this my home.... And I just can't! I am surrounded by everything that I did not plant here.... Meaning memories, family, good and hard times, friends, and moms love.

If I'm going to survive.... I need and want to be rooted with my husband in a home he and I create together. I pray God will help me with my words. It has been a good portion of why I'm not able to move forward! I cry, I'm depressed, and becoming more and more lonely. God love each of you for your honesty. Prayers are sent your way!

You express it perfectly

I feel your pain I really
Do ....we really do have to be a special type of woman to spend our lives with a widower , I do feel we need to accept that a man can love twice in his life and love us alongside his forever love for his wife ...easy to say but harder to do ...I am dating a widower ...she passed 2 years ago ...a wonderful man and I'm falling hard but am I wasting my time ? I don't know but I'm willing to take a risk ....so many issues as you rightly said ..the bed the photos the children the grave the anniversary ...the list goes on ....the pain goes on ..I'm here to listen if you need ....

I only just saw your message. I am still learning how this works.

Married a year and a half now....still hanging on. I love him dearly...still hard days.

How are you doing with your guy?

Hi ....it's hard ....we are still together but I'm taking a step back to be realistic about this relationship . I want him badly but he's not ready to let go yet fully so I have to train my heart to adjust until he is ready ...fingers crossed x

Perhaps a step back will allow him time to really think about what he wants going forward?
My husband tells me that there came a time when it occurred to him that he could choose to keep investing all of his love and energy into loving a woman who could not physically return his love....or to choose to always respect that part of his past but to focus his love on the warm breathing woman standing in front of him begging to love him in return.

Omg that is amazing , sent shivers down my spine and yes I need to step back so he can realise what he wants ....my gut knows it's me he wants ....now he must prove it x

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