Will He Ever Accept Me Or Our Relationship?

I have been with this man for 5 years and I am about to explode because I can't deal with him being a widower! When it was all new I could deal with the grieving and mood swings and pictures. But here we are 5 years later with our own family now and nothing has changed! I am so sick of the shrines in my house I could scream! I don't expect or want him to forget her but geez really do we have to have a freaking room dedicated to her with her sexy picture hung up and news articles everywhere? I refuse to go into that room. When i confronted him about a yr ago he snapped and bit my head off telling me it would never change. I just asked him to put her stuff on a desk rather than smack in the center of the wall. Does his wedding ring really have to be on display in our living room? Does his stupid facebook status have to say widowed??? U ghost its so frustrating! The anniversary of her death is today and last night he posted a freaking book on Facebook about how much he loved her. I would be fine if he say went to her grave and left flowers but no it all has to be public yet he wont say anything publicly about us nor do we celebrate any kind of anniversary. It flat out ****** me off. I am so sick of living under her shadow and I dont think its ever going to change. Im so glad I found this forum because the people in my life dont understand why I put up with it all I do love him but ive almost reached my breaking point. Any words of advice?
almostdone1 almostdone1
36-40, F
7 Responses Jun 8, 2013

I'm glad to see in not alone in this. I fully understand your pain. I tried last night to express how I feel about this but got my head but in two. He told me last night that they have always been his in laws and they always will be. That I just need to accept it but my heart is breaking in two. I don't know how much more I can take and I feel like I'm looking myself in this. I'm almost to the point of calling off the wedding until he can make room in his heart for me. That's if i don't close the door on it all. I don't deserve the pain that this has caused but I love him so much.

I completely relate. I met my husband almost five years ago. His late passes 10 years prior. When I seen the clothes still in the closet and the shrine, I knew there were unresolved issues. I had to have a great deal of patience and understanding all the while asking myself if I was being fair to me. I did my research, read so many articles and books, to develop an understanding. I had never been with a widower before. We were married in Feb. 2014. Shrine gone, clothes gone, feeling of deep understanding and respect between us...or so I thought! Like you, I accept that he will always love his late wife (wouldn't respect him otherwise). Elizabeth's bday was about a week ago. He made a post on Facebook with a large facial portrait of her. He didn't let me know he was going to do this;however, being the understanding one, I placed a comment on the post that was support active, and a bit on the funny side. He thanked me for it...all good right? No...a couple days later, he has a Facebook conversation with my best friend, who innocently told him she liked his post, for which he wrote this long emotional, so full of gratitude and appreciation to her for mentioning the post because I...his wife...doesn't understand how he would have the need to do such a post, that he has to keep things locked up just to survive and have harmony in his life, etc..

I'm in shock, I feel betrayed, disrespected, used...and I really don't know what to do. We've been married six months and I feel like the last five years has depleted me to a point where I just don't care anymore. My husband has a beautiful heart and soul...but he seems stuck in the emotional trauma left by his wife's passing. Its his comfort zone, and he craves to be around anyone he can to have deep emotional conversations about grief and loss with. I think being sad, makes him happy...as odd as that sounds.

It's now almost 15 years since Elizabeth died, I've put in 110%, and after six months of marriage, and this last incident, I'm considering leaving. It saddens me.

Good luck ladies and thank you for your stories.

That sounds like too much to ask of you. 😞
I couldn't stand it either.
I eventually found a balance between accepting that he will always love her.....but also demanding that he only ACTIVELY love and cherish me.

Leave him... He is not over her clearly and you may find someone that loves you best... I'm writing this thinking that the same words apply to me... But again, we have a beautiful, adorable 7 years old daughter that loves him... I should leave him too but I don't know how to do it ...

I'm sorry for what you are going thru. I understand how you feel. You worry about how you are feeling and if you are being unreasonable and insensitive. I think that after 5 years and with a new family he should respect your wishes.

He obviously has not moved and and the shrine in your house is not helping him forget. You should have a serious talk to him and ask him to choose. You should never tolerate this behaviour. By allowing him to do this, you are loosing your self respect. If he cannot decide to move on and make you the most important person in his life, you should leave. You deserve to be happy. As long as you are married to this man, you are depriving yourself of the chance to meet the person for you. Dont delay making yourself available. he does not deserve you. Give him one last chance and if no change, then leave.

I know how you feel with everything being very loud and public. It just makes it that much more hard to bare!