I Thought I Was Infertile

When I was a teenager I was told I had severe PCOS and that I would not be able to have a child. When I was in my early 20s this diagnosis was confirmed again by another doctor. I was again told I had severe PCOS and that pregnancy would be a virtual impossibility. I accepted that I would never be a mother. I got married 4 months ago. My husband doesn't want children, and is significantly older than me. Everything had been going well until recently, when I got what seemed to be a nasty stomach flu. I started getting awful pains in my abdomen, and my husband finally persuaded me to see a doctor.

The doctor told me I wasn't sick with the flu at all, and that I am actually pregnant. 6 weeks, in fact. I was in shock, and still am. The doctor said many women with PCOS get pregnant and are incorrectly told they're infertile, and that must have happened to me, but I'm still baffled as to how this even happened.Obviously we weren't using birth control, since we thought I was infertile, but I've thought I was infertile for over a decade, it's unreal to think I am pregnant.

Last night I told my husband that I'm pregnant and he was shocked too, and less than happy. He really, really had no desire to be a parent, and that even contributed to the breakup of his first marriage. He had to go off to be on his own for a while, then when he came back told me that he would support me no matter what my decision, though I can tell that he still doesn't want to be a father.

As for myself, I don't even know about my feelings toward parenthood, since I never even thought it was an option. I know for a fact that I absolutely cannot do it without my husband, not financially, physically, or emotionally. But I don't know what I want. I think a part of me is terrified of motherhood, and terrified of losing my husband, despite his promise to stay. My mother was a really, really ****** mother, and I'm scared of being a ****** mother too. But another part of me is… I don't know how to describe. Not exactly happy or relieved… reverential? I don't believe in fate or "meant to be" or anything like that, but I appreciate coincidence and rarity. The fact that I'm supposed to not be able to have children and yet this tiny little embryo has settled down in an inhospitable environment is… pretty staggering.

I feel so lost and it's not like I have an unlimited amount of time to decide what to do. I could use any and all advice anyone can give me.

cephaloscotti cephaloscotti
26-30, F
7 Responses Jan 8, 2013

I'm pretty much lost at sea myself, but I saw you mentioned your doctors said you were pretty much infertile due to severe PCOS. The same exact thing happened with me. I have put no thought into children, thinking it was never a possibility, and now I'm not really being given a choice. I know how you feel, in that respect.<br />
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I also know this post is from a few months ago, so I hope no matter what you decided, everything is going well for you now.

I miscarried, but I am currently on fertility medication. We will see what hap0pens. Thank you, and good luck in your choice.

Hi, I do not claim to identify with your situation. It certainly is unique. I can tell you though that both my husband and I came from not great families. We read everything we could about parenting and children etc. because we didn't want to repeat the mistakes of our parents. What you learn really early on is that no parent has all the answers. You would make a great parent because you show you care.

I disagree with the commenter that said your husband will come around when he sees your baby when he sees it, especially if a previous marriage failed over it. Some people don't want or like kids no matter if it's their own or not.<br />
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I agree with PPs that you should have a really indepth convo with your husband, since it seems like one of the marriage deals for him was no kids. Obviously plans change and he seems to be taking the for better or worse part seriously, but you want to make sure the decision won't cause resentment later on.<br />
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That said I may be biased a bit. My mother was diagnosed as infertile and got pregnant with me. It killed her relationship and my father became hostile which caused me a lot of pain growing up- I developed OCD in response to a dysfunctional home life and had commitment/trust issues along with an eating disorder. Luckily my mother was a good mother/I had other positive support to overcome everything and put it in the past, and am happily married now, but realistically most people aren't that fortunate. I respect my mother's choice, but being on the receiving end as a child I could never live with myself if I put my own child through the same. Children deserve to be loved by all parties involved and not just tolerated.

Every person who is faced with parenthood is afraid. It's okay that you are having a hard time with this, but you will be an AMAZING mother because you know what NOT to do. You are married and stable (from what I understand), and have been blessed with a miracle in a child you didn't think you would ever be able to have. Once you see that little face, and your husband holds baby in his arms, you will not be able to picture your lives without him or her. Please know that your baby's heart is already beating, and will soon suck his or her thumb, and be comforted by the sound of your heartbeat and voice.

I am sure that you will be a fine mother. Just because your mother was less than perfect does not mean you will be. At least you know what NOT to do. Once your child is born I bet you won't look back once. Congrats on your new marriage. How old is your husband, you said he was much older.

Good Luck....... !

I think you should try and talk to your husband about exactly what his fears and distastes are: obviously that should weigh heavily in the decision. I don't think you have to worry about being a clone of your mother - you're too well aware of those pitfalls (although I'm sure there would be others), but, I would very strongly consider a termination if your husband is having this much trouble with the idea, and if his fears are well grounded and of such long standing. BUt the key is talking it over & over with him, so you both understand completely what each of you feels.

You're not your mom.
You're a lot more conscious and emotionally aware than her.
If what's stopping you is fear of your own parenting skills, I think you'll manage.

If you simply genuinely don't want a child, then don't have it...part of being a good parent is wanting the enormous responsibility that it entails.
When I wanted to get preggo myself, I was looking forward to having someone I had to get up and do my very best for, every d@mn day. It's a terrifically hard job, but the rewards are big, too.

I would not advise having two, though. If you decide to have it, please ask your hubby to get a vasectomy prior to resumption of intimacy.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.