I Need Advice On How To Move Forward

Wow ok so where to start....well I am married and together we have three children. Its a yours, mine, ours situation which keeps things interesting. He has a son from his previous marriage and so do I, and we also have a son together. We have been together for about five years now, we have our ups and downs but are happy for the most part. When I was younger I was in a relationship with my ex husband for 6 years and during that time I was in high school and once I graduated I thought I would wait another year for him to graduate before choosing college and doing what I wanted to do. So the year past and he graduated, but then suddenly everything was about where he would go to school and I loved him so much that I let it be and put myself on the back burner again. We talked and after a few weeks of deciding what to do, we decided he would go to school first and I would follow him and then I would go to school and he would follow me. I loved him so much I was willing to do that, I wanted nothing more then to make him happy. So we moved from our little town to harrisburg pa so he could go to penn state university. I got a job and started working toward our future, while he went to school. A few months passed by and suddenly I realized he was home when he should be at class and I wasnt sure what was going on. So one night I just asked him what was happening. He then told me that he dropped out of college and had no interest in going back for what he went for. I was shocked, I put my life on hold so he could do what he wanted and he didnt even talk to me about dropping out before he did. I wasnt sure what to do, I felt lost, the next semester wasnt starting at the school I wanted to go to for a few months yet and we were suddenly not moving forward at all. I took a few weeks to think about what to do and after researching the army I decided to join. At least this way my school would be paid for in part by the army and I could still be working toward our future while I waited to get into school. So I proposed the idea to Mike, he was enthused and decided to join too. I was really shocked about that but I was ok with it too. I went to enlist and got that all taken care of and so did he and then we went to an open house at the college I wanted to go to. I was excited to get into what I was interested in finally. Once everything was set up with the school we got shipped out to basic training. Well I had been on mirena for yrs and I passed my prego test when I joined the army so I was all set, or so I thought. When I got to basic training I got sick and it was worse then the flu but you dont just run to the dr when your in basic training. You suck it up and go through what you need to, I thought it was an altitude change or weather change. So months went by, I kept getting sick and getting nose bleeds and even after going to the dr there they couldnt find anything. I decided to just suck it up and move fwd. I thought its just the workouts being so tough and the new lifestyle I was starting. Well I graduated basic training, got shipped off to A.I.T and finally got to do my first weigh in. I lost 5 lbs, I couldnt believe it. I had worked so hard and barely lost anything ( I was over weight when I joined ). Anyway, I woke up one day after having non stop diarrhea and decided to go to the dr on base before school. I got to the dr and she said she can give me some medication for that but that they would need to do a prego test. I took the prego test and wala the answer to all the issues. I had been pregnant for over 3 months without knowing a thing. My whole world fell apart, but I was also happy (funny how you can love someone you havent met). After a billion tests to make sure HE was ok after basic training and breaking the news to my fiance I decided to be honorably discharged (I couldnt just go back knowing I was responsible for a new life). My fiance and I decided that I would move back to our small town and wait for him to get done with training. So I did, I lived with my dad for a while and when he came back we got married. Our son was born a few months later and I suddenly wasnt sure if I would ever make it to school or anywhere that I planned to go. We decided to stay in our home town to get used to being parents surrounded by family and friends. Slowly things began to fall apart. My husband wasnt really able to support us and I wasnt happy with him anymore (he got into drugs). So I decided when our son was 7 months old to leave him. When I made that decision I was on my own and didnt have enough money with my part time job to get by so I stayed with my dad still. I was so unhappy I didnt know what hit me....I couldnt believe this was now my life. I wasnt sure where to go or how to make things better. About a month went by and I met someone, he was kind and fun and great with my son. He saw how I was living at my dads ( his house was run down and even after putting over 5 grand into it I still could only have my son in about 3 rooms in the house) and he offered me a room at his house. I took a few weeks to think about it. I really knew all about him, he was a friend of my family since he was a child. So I did it, I was trying to think about my son, that his house would be a better living situation. I didnt really consider the fact that Im moving in with a man at the very start of our relationship, which was dumb and we had several problems cause of it. About a year into the relationship we were pregnant. It was another shocker, but we were happy none the less. Now I am married to him and we have a lot of problems. I am unhappy, he has some anger issues and really has a hard time keeping it under control. He yells at me all the time and calls me names for no reason. I try to talk to him about it but he just gets defensive. We have been to counseling and I even asked him to go get checked out for medication. Right now we are so financially behind that he cant but I think he would get help if we could afford it. I love him but I hate my life with him. Because his ex wife has primary custody and due to his son being in school and his work schedule he can only see him 3 nights a month, one weekend day a week for three weeks. So during the school year we dont see him often. I have always put me on the back burner and I never wanted to stay in our small town (less then 5000 ppl and nothing of interest here). I have always wanted to move somewhere more exciting with more to do and places to go and things to see. I never got to go to school, I tried online school but I dont seem to be able to focus on it as well as if I were in an actual classroom. I dont know what to do, I mention moving and he gets upset cause he doesnt want to leave his son behind. Honestly though who am I to ask him to....I couldnt ever leave my children and I dont want to ask him to leave his. We have our issues but I love him and I want to stay married to him, but I also want to be happy with where I am and work on becoming more then I am. I am a mother of two and thats all that defines me right now (which is good but not enough), I think I am depressed because I am so disatisfied with the way my life has turned out. Please help me decide what to do, I have debated leaving and telling him to choose if he wants to come or not. I have also considered staying and keeping myself on the back burner till my kids are over 18 (they are 3 and 5 now and his son is 6). I have asked him how he would feel about going back to court and trying to take his son from his ex, but he wont because we have been through court many times and he doesn't think he can win cause she is a teacher and has status quo. Apparently when ( per his lawyer) one parent has status quo and the other parent wants it to get primary custody, said parent must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she has messed up severely in one way or another such as drug use, abuse, neglect and so on. We dont hate his ex, she is a good mom so trying to prove her a bad parent would be out of the question, and would ultimately ruin his corresponding relationship with his ex. I am lost, I feel like I am trapped and it just makes me want out more. Please if you have advice I really want to hear it.
babycat10 babycat10
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

wow that's a story. I can't say I have much experience in life, but one thing that stuck out to me in this story is how you said you're debating leaving him and telling him he has a choice. To that I say be careful not to make it an ultimatum. In my opinion, love doesn't make ultimatums but makes compromises. I can't tell you what to do about moving or not, but I think you should make sure you have some happiness in your life. Good luck to you!