One Year Ago.

One year ago, I was home, depressed, miserable really. It was early in the morning. During the previous week, I'd been going back and forth, through email, with a woman from work. I'd always liked her, always thought she was a very interesting person. One of the rare people who actually "get" my humor right from the start.She was going on vacation to a very exotic place, for a scuba-diving trip. I used to dive, and I'd been to the region of South-America she was visiting, so I gave her whatever pointers I could remember from my trip.

That morning, depressed, lonely and having enjoyed a few days of interesting conversation, I emailed her some thoughts and feelings. I don't know what came over me. I sent her a message, where I want on about being depressed and lonely, and explained that I though she was an awesome person. I remember writing that I admired her because I felt she was out really living her life fully, out to enjoy it, and not just go through the motion. I really admired that. And I admitted that I'd always enjoyed getting calls from her at work, because I enjoyed her sense of humor so much. That small message, would be the start of a slide into the most surreal and emotional ride of my life.

That small message. At the time, I was only trying to pay her a compliment, a sort of thank-you for making me feel better. I actually apologized for sending it later that day, coming out of the darkness and realizing how inappropriate the content of the message might be. You know... independently of the private conversation we were having, a co-worker sending that kind of message to another could be taken as just so wrong. But she didn't mind, she said it made her smile all day.

From then on, the conversation accelerated, evolved, became more and more personal, opening up felt so good, I realized there were so many things, so many thoughts I'd been holding inside for so long, and I'd finally, for what felt like the first time in my life, found someone who understood everything. It was an amazing feeling. Just incredible. But... I'm married, I have kids, she was 600 miles away at a remote office. I was never going to leave.

This flood of emotion, this emotional affair had to be a dead end right from the start. I never wanted this, it was a mistake, something that completely took me by surprise. Something that almost drove me insane. The following months were filled with sleepless nights, confusion, wants and desires that would stay unfulfilled. Sessions of trying to pull back and stay away, fighting this incredible attraction to the most incredible woman I'd ever met, without ever actually seeing her in person.

I kept trying to pull away, she kept trying to pull me back in. It was pure hell. I loved her. I adored her. Had she pushed me to, simply asked, I think I would have destroyed everything, left everything behind, just to be with her. But she didn't. And I know it hurt her. And eventually, it ended. But in reality, it never ended, we just cut the contact.

I don't know where she is today, or what she's doing. I don't know if she's happy, or sad. I don't know if she still thinks about me. But I do know that I still think about her almost every single day. My muse, my biggest failure.

I still miss you, and I think I always will.

See you in another life miss Patara.

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2 Responses Feb 23, 2009


I am sooo sorry for you... I am worried too... I have a friend which I met online and i feel the same about him the same way you feel about miss Patara... is your story a nightmare preview of my future... I hope not...