It's Not Him

So I was thinking that maybe I can't blame my ex for all of my confusion when it comes to our friendship. In fact, after much thought, maybe it is my fault for my confusion. Perhaps I am just reading too much into the fact that he wants to be friends. Maybe the confusion is coming from me 'hoping' that it could end up being more *again*. WELL THAT JUST SUCKS! Not me blaming me for my confusion sucking, my brain and my 'feelings' up there ... in .. my .. brain. I mean at first there was no talking. And then there was little talking. A couple times he hugged me goodbye when he left. Then it went to completely not talking at all. To little talking again. Then it went to hanging out with a group and a little bit more talking. Now it's talking, hanging out joking, slight physical contact *hitting*, laughing, smiling, and teasing. (but not everyday usually on weekends. Jobs take your social life away but puts money in your pocket to go out and have that social life haha) Anywho .... I don't want to think ahead of myself and I don't want to scare him either. And by that I mean, even though we are both treating each other this way right now, I don't want him to think that I am trying to get him back. Let me clarify ... I love him to death and I would take him back in a heartbeat. BUT ... I don't want to just jump right back into that. I have a lot that I need to clean up and get rid of before I could think about having another relationship. And for all I know even thinking or mentioning that last line may just be an assumption and me getting ahead of myself thinking that perhaps he wants to when in all reality he may not. See what I mean ... maybe all my confusion about him is just me confusing myself and giving myself false hopes. Perhaps I should just stop thinking about it all together and just be glad that we have a friendship. .... But it is so hard. UGH! I need to stop that. We have a friendship. A frienship is better than nothing right. *sigh* If all it ends up being is that we are friends, at least he is a part of my life then not a part of it at all. I just need to stop reading into things too much because ...... that just hurts.
LosingIt LosingIt
22-25, F
Apr 9, 2007