Turning Thirty

I can't forgive turning thirty. I don't feel old, but it is old longing sadness that tears into a part of me, the part that sees me as less vibrant than before. There is something about the big 3-0. Yesterday I was 29 and holding on to the "You're are as young as you feel." I had always thought that turning 30 would not be such a big deal for me, that I could hold on to my effervescent youthfulness, but today it feels like a darkening cloud resting upon my shoulders, holding me down with the weight of its breathlessness as I watch other girls, with their extensioned hair, make up, stilettos, the curves of their trim twenty something figures, with their boyfriends, men and boys with eyes only for them, encircled in the perfection of their love, lurve, luve, luv, but for me I was the unseen out of shape (Sorry fellows) curvaceous thirty year old, valiantly holding on for the benefit of myself to the fact that I am young. I AM a young woman, never mind the fact that when I turn thirty one I will have a ten year old, a nine year old and hopefully if things go to plan a baby or two, or three.

I keep having these visions of the bare face of the earth unmarked by my clinging fingers as I grip for dear life, the edge of the mountains, fingers deep in the mire of regret that I had decided to take the trip, that would see me either plunge to my death or at the very last second the single calm cell dwelling within my brain taking over and pulling me back up and in that split moment, filled with the gratitude that I had taken the trip, vowing to do it again as he train sweeps me into its carriage, as I prepare for another journey taking me into the heart of my dreams. I keep seeing myself stranded in heart of Morocco, exiled for thought and defiantly proud, whilst in the same breath, I see grandchildren, sons and daughters of my own and I struggle with the promise I made to never tire of the stories the world has for me, grandchild or none.
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2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Ages are numbers and you should not give too much importance to that numbers. You are still very young at 30 ! I wish you all the nest for your future :)

You are very welcome :)

I turned 30 sitting in a classroom filed with others dreaming of a better future through the action of self-improvement. It was not an earth shaking realization, it was more quizical, should I feel more? Now, more than twice that age, I find I still have dreams that I wish to follow.