I Am Tired Of Everything , Anything, And Everyone

i have so much emotional baggages in my life. i looked at people in my age around me.  no one has the kind of crap i had.

i was very insecured as a child.  i was very scared to lose my mother because she was always sick.

i came to this country at age of 12, couldn't speak english, and was an ugly duckly. with a mild deformity in my face and head.  i was the target of bully. those bullies were my cousins and people in school. my relatives treated my very badly during the first year of my US life.

finally, i was able to go to college. somehow my mother got better.  i started to gain confidence back.  when i got my first job, a woman administrator tried to get me fired, b/c she did not like young woman working there. i got fired after three weeks.  my clients and boss cheated money off of me with my second job.  third job my boss yelled at me and i was really sad.

my middle sister was a very stuck up , snobby girl.. somehow she did not finish school and scolded everyone around her.  she tried to commit suicide three times.  she was incredibly mean to me and my family. somehow a guy  fell in love with her crazy self, married her and things were still hard for a very long time, but  she was able to seek psychiatric help, and is now better.

i was dating a child hood friend after i started working. everyone said he was a nice guy, and he portrayed to be one.  i didn't know he was emotionally unstable.  he would threaten to break up with me if i didn't do things he wanted.  so i was young, insecured and scared.  i stuck with him for seven years.  as soon as he got a good job with good pay, he told me that i will be a burden in his life b/c he needed to focus on his career.  he doens't want to talk to me again.

my best friend and her husband disowned our friendship b/c i decided to move.

i moved to start a new life.  somehow i ran into an old friend.  immediately he pursued me, but  he has temper issue.  finally i couldn't handle him and left him shortly. during that time, i was temping through different offices and was in trouble financially.

somehow God was on my side.  i needed money desperately to move.  i went to casino and won exactly the amount i needed to relocate. 

that was three years ago.  i was 35.  i moved to coastal area.  maybe the water , weather or what, i was able to begin healing process.

somehow by now, i look the best in my life.  i attract all these guys who cannot relate to my past.  all these relatives who were mean to me in the past, want to come follow me b/c i have a good job and able to meet so many people. they all want things from me.

my parents pressured me to get marry.

I am now 37.  i am dating around, but can never  feel the connections.  i have so much emotional baggages. my parents want to come live with me and my relatives are constantly in my face.

i have so much emotional baggages.  i am so tired.  i wake up smiling at everyone everyday, but my heart is so destitue and numb.

i feel like i should leave all these people, move again, b/c they are always in my face and i cannot recover.

i don't know why i have so much challenges in my life?  what does this all mean?  i know i should not complain, b/c i have many material things other people crave to have.  and my physical being is healthy.  but my emotion is so much in pain.

 my shoulder is so heavy, so tired.  i want to just cry myself to death. 

iamjusttired iamjusttired
36-40, F
Mar 11, 2010