First Time

just tired and unhappy

ok. today i found this site because i typed into google "what is wrong with me"

i dont know who reads this, but at this point i really dont care. i just need to tell someone how i feel because i dont want to feel alone.

 how do i feel? i dont really know how to explain it. i have a thousand things running through my head all the time, but i cant keep focused on any of them right now. i could tell you how many square feet occupy an (x) by (y) bulding without a second to think about it. i can photocopy an image i see onto a piece of paper with a pencil. i can learn any piece of music i hear, faster than anyone i know. on the downside, i can also think of thousands of ways to ruin my own life, and these are the thoughts that run through my head constantly. i work nearly 16 hours a day because it distracts me from all of it. but when i get home and sleep, i'll dream about it.

 i cant stand for things to be out of order. i've always thought it was a good trait since i'm a carpenter. but everything has to be square or parallel, or sorted by length, color, or even by how worn the material has become. i cant write down a word if i think its misspelled. grammar and punctuation are different, as they've never made sense to me. but everything has to be completely logical. and whats going on in my head doesn't make any sense.

 have i ever thought about suicide? of course. i dont think theres anyone who really hasn't.  i've been depressed to the point that i couldn't stand living anymore and actually tried to kill myself more than once. thank god my parents dont know about it.

 i have good friends. they think i'm crazy and hard headed, but i don't think they realize i'm not just playing. i feel like i'm a complete contradiction to myself and it drives me forward, and sideways at the same time. i go on rants that last for hours, and they intently listen as though i were on-stage, announcing that i have found the cure to cancer, to a group of chemists. they tell me that it couldn't make sense if anyone else said it, but somehow i make it logically possible, when it defies logic.

 i dont know why, but right now, i'm trying to explain all of this to people i haven't met. i don't expect anyone to read this, because somehow i really don't want it to be read. my problems seem insignificant compared to the other stories, confessions, and problems of the people here. i don't know if i need real help, and i'm scared to ask, face to face. i'm scared of being told that all i'm looking for is attention and that there's nothing wrong with me that everyone else hasn't dealt with at some point in their life. thats why i'm putting it in the hands of strangers. people who wouldn't know me from adam if they saw me on the street. i really don't know what i'm asking for. but if you read this and have anything to say, please say it.

carpenter79 carpenter79
3 Responses Mar 8, 2009

What kind of philosophy do you follow? To me it sounds like you could possibly be lacking some form of fulfillment. PM me.

I've just joined this website for the same reason you did...feeling out of place and not belonging in this world.<br />
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Don't worry, there are lots of people like us that feels out of place.<br />
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Maybe we are the norm....

Hey buddy.<br />
Everyone has their own problems. This site purty much saved my life. Most of us can completely understand your predicament. Your not alone. What we have to do is hope for something better along the way and go for it. I don't think you need real help, just someone to talk to. You came to the right place.