For years I've been told that I'm admired for being a strong woman. Why? Because after my first husband I moved on and was a single mother? Because I had to find my own self worth when my first husband destroyed it? Or is it because I survived marriage #2 just to come out of that one unequivocally bankrupt and now live paycheck to paycheck stressed about making rent each month. Why is it a badge of honor to have these scars and keep surviving day to day? Because that's what this is, survival. I have a son in college that needs my support and stability. I'd love to loose myself so that I don't have to think about what I've gone through. Not have to think about how to survive month to month. Not think about being alone because of being to tired to trust anymore and too cynical. But people are so PROUD of me and my strength. Truth of the matter is that my son would be better off financially if he got my life insurance than by me scraping by every month. The fact that I haven't curled up and died yet isn't something to be proud of, it's a curse.
Phoenixsa71 Phoenixsa71
46-50, F
3 Responses Aug 23, 2014

I understand what you are saying. I feel that way sometimes too. I'm worth a hell of a lot more to my daughter dead than alive lol...

Ok, so it's not really funny but I get tired. Just tired. It seems that you are tired of it all too. You won't always have to be so strong on your own. It's a good thing that you are that way but someday you will have a life that is easier and happier. You must believe in that.

Perhaps when people tell you how strong you are you could take it as a compliment. People rarely compliment me on how strong and independent I am, except for here on ep. Sometimes I think that they know that they could never do it....

I know it gets old hearing it but I guess the point that I'm trying to make is to think of it as a good thing. Not many women have the guts to stand alone and do the right things in life. They take the easy way out. You don't! You will be rewarded someday for this, I promise. Keep your head up.

Thank you. I can't tell you how much your response means to me. It's amazing to hear that someone understands just how tired I am. I will think of it in a different light, I definitely haven't taken the easy way out of anything but in the end did what was right for me and my son. I never really thought of not doing that even though it would have been much easier. At least I can think of hope for the future.

I'm glad it helps even a little. I know it's just words but someday things will be different and your life will be your own. It won't be such a struggle. Sometimes I tell myself that God saves the best for last. My daughter will respect me and someday come to see that I put her first and sacrificed for her to have a normal stable life. Someday.... as will your son. If he doesn't already.

My mom and I had this talk the other day. She feels the same way, she said pretty much what you just said right to my face, how me and my sister would be better off with out her. I hope you soon realize that your son is proud of you, and loosing you would kill him inside. You are strong, but even the strongest people break. Maybe it's time you let yourself break for a little bit. Things do get better. I promise, you just have to let them.

Thank you, I hope that he is proud because it's been a long hard road. Whenever I tell him we can't afford new clothes or can't afford to eat out I'm always thinking how much he would have from my life insurance. His college would be paid for and he wouldn't have to take out these loans. He could afford to have normal things that I can't give him right now. I would truly give anything for him not to have to go through this.

He wouldn't trade having you for any of those things and he knows you would do anything for him.

Any stepford wife can coast through life comfortably with buttloads of cash and fancy crap around the house, but it takes a REAL woman and a REAL mother to do what you do every day. Your strength clearly inspires other as well as your son. Your strength is what will make him treat women with the respect they deserve.

Whenever you feel weary from being a rock for others, just take a step back, and look at the path behind you. You raised a boy motivated enough to go to college (a hell of a feat these days) You could have thrown in the towel after two marriages and no money, but you looked life in the eye and said "**** you! You're not gonna beat me! Not now, not ever!"

It's people like you who inspire the world to keep turning

I wanted to throw in the towel but always think I'll just have to figure out how to survive the next day even when it scares the hell out of me. Its been hard being the only one to keep a roof over our head, food on the table and a car running. Then deal with raising a kid through teenage years, after a nasty divorce and moving to a new state - ugh, but I am glad that he's going to college and he does treat women well and I hadn't really thought about that, just expected it of him. I'm glad that you gave me things to think about that I hadn't considered!

Very well said!!!