Tired, Lonely, And Low On Hope.

I've read over many of the stories posted here, and I think I'm starting to understand why I'm alone. I see so many stories of women who were so mistreated that once their relationships ended they were the same as the men who abused, used, or flat out ignored them. Women always say they want a gentleman who will treat them right, but in the end, that's not the path they choose. They always go for flashy, rich, muscular, cocky guys, guys who are used to getting what they want, so of course they get bored with what they have and move on because they never have had to EARN anything for themselves. And ladies, while it might just **** you off to hear this, there are just as many women who mistreat guys.

To understand where I’m at now, you need to know how I got here. For me, school was a nightmare. I was overweight and held a 4.0 GPA. I was constantly looking over my shoulders, since I seemed to be a prime target for bullies. You know those Hollywood movies where the unpopular kid finally stands up for himself, earns the respect of his peers and gets the girl of his dreams? Yeah, life is so very different. I did standup for myself since I couldn’t get the counselor, teachers, even my own parents to do anything about it, and beat the snot out the kid who had been tormenting me for 8 years. Know what happened? Everybody considered me to be the villain, and the bully’s buddies cornered me and beat me within an inch of my life. On school grounds. In class. With a teacher present. Not one of them was ever punished. That’s how real life works.

I’ve never had a girlfriend who didn’t cheat on me except one: my ex-wife. We got along ok, and I guess that’s why we got married. We were both so tired of being alone, with nobody to trust. But in the end, we realized it was a mistake. We were married for 9 years, and the last 5 of those saw no intimacy. In fact, we didn’t even sleep in the same bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch all those years, because she didn’t want me in bed with her. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like that, and so I was the one who left.

Since then, however, I’ve not made any friends. The solitude became so unbearable that I even went to the bar, which is rare for me, to find companionship. As my luck would have it, there were only 4 people in the bar: 2 couples. I’ve since tried internet dating sites like eHarmony or Match.com, but that was more like torturing myself. Seems all the women were looking for a sugar daddy with a chiseled body. When I have dated in the past, I made it a point to write little love notes every now and then, or to set aside at least two nights a week for “date night”. I’ve brought flowers just to say “I’m thinking of you”, I’ve tried to hold conversations that involve more than “how was your day?” But in the end, none of these things mattered. In some cases it actually pissed the women off. In fact, the last relationship I was in, which I guess was considered a “friends with benefits” thing, the woman and I were in the middle of intercourse when she mused about some guy she had met and she was worried he didn’t want her. She then had the nerve to get pissed at me when I abruptly stopped and told her to leave. This is the kind of stuff I’ve been dealing with my whole life.

I’ve looked for others like me, and I seem to be the only one of my kind. I love gaming, but alas, I’m not good enough for competition online. I love movies of all kinds from romantic comedies to sci-fi to some indie films to anime. My taste in music is just as eclectic: New age, Death metal, some forms of pop, Rock, Country, and Classical. For example: Enya, ZZtop, Disturbed, Beethoven, and even Lady Gaga to name just a few. I like being outside for things like camping, but I’m not an outdoor enthusiast and don’t enjoy hunting or jogging (which makes me sort of a pariah here in Montana). I smoke pot occasionally (meaning about once every 3 or 4 months) but lately I’ve been smoking more because it helps me to deal with the loneliness. The thing that my mind keeps coming back to is this simple fact: there are 6 billion people on this planet, so why can’t I find just one to be a friend or something more?

As for advice, I’ve heard all kinds. Someone told me I should seek religion. I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but I simply cannot believe in a benevolent, loving God, especially when there is so much suffering in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I did go that route for a while. I prayed every day, several hours every day, for 2 ½ years. Not even one potential friendship popped up in all that time. So forgive me if I scoff at religion as being the answer. I’ve also been told that I should join a club. Well, considering the area I live in, which is pretty rural, there aren’t many to choose from. There’s hunting clubs, biking clubs, golf clubs, and, ok, dance clubs.

If you’re still reading this, then you must be as lonely as I am.  I guess I'm just trying to cover everything since this could end up being my final legacy,  but I’ll wrap it up, since I seem to just be ranting now. My point is that I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of going to bed alone. I’m tired of spending my days alone. I’ve got nobody to talk to, nobody to “hang” with, and nobody who wants me around. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this life, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of the heartaches, tired of not being able to trust anybody, tired of watching movies and playing games alone, tired of sitting at home. I’ve started to give up, have become a hermit, and thoughts of ending it all are coming more often. If life is supposed to be about ups and downs, then where the hell are my ups? My hope is running on fumes.
Dragonhermit Dragonhermit
41-45, M
12 Responses Jul 23, 2010

wishing you love and light :(

I know this was posted a few years ago, but I still want to comment. I'm one of those women that has been hur, and is reluctant to trust again. I haven't sprung for any guy as of yet, much less a flashy one. Because that's exactly what i'm terrified of-- being used. Again. I have no way to tell which person is worthy of trust. Who is good? Who is bad? Who really cares about me? What does "care" feel like? I have no ******* clue, and I'm honestly not willing to take the risk of trying again.Yeah, I've heard that craptacular kind of advice too. Stuff isn't like the breakfast club. You get beat up, get cast as the bully. God isn't there for you. No one is. For me, it was being cast as "the stuck-up ***** that never puts out" and being tormented everyday, only to be met with "boys will be boys" and "if you only give them (the men that threatened me daily) a chance..." I'm completely numb to people right now. I'm numb to everything. I feel like an ob<x>ject to people. No one really cares what's inside. Everyone just want a villain or a superhero to rally behind. You're just a pawn moving through a chess board. I'm a doll. I try to have hope sometimes, but as you said, it's hard. It makes you tired. It's tiring to be nothing to people. There are no ups here, only downs. I hope you've gotten better since this post. But I still really relate to its overarching point.

I can honestly say that my hope has all but fizzled out. Strangely, I'm okay with that, or more accurately I've just accepted that this is the way it is and always will be. In the intervening years since writing this, I often wondered if I, too, should become a shallow like so many of those happy folks out there, who can "love 'em and leave 'em" without a second thought. But that's just not me. When I care about someone, it's with everything I have. Maybe someday I'll find that special woman who really wants this kind of passion, who deserves it even. But I try not to think about that because it sounds dangerously close to hope. :P

Sorry you haven't gotten better. I wonder if those shallow people are truly happy. I can't imagine life without some care. It makes me sad to think it's seemingly become the norm to reject care and passion in relationships. Either way, hope is definitely in Pandora's box. Best stay in a corner and let life slowly drain away. It sounds a lot like hypothermia, but surely that's better than getting your heart shattered into bits a million times over. D:

I understand what you are feeling.

While I do appreciate it when someone understands, I also find it kind of sad that anybody else could feel this way. Thank you for understanding. :)

Hey Dragon,<br />
Im 25, and im feelin exactly the same, well i wasnt married, infact i dont know if i ever haD a girl who even just potentially loved me, most of the time i just feel fooled after it, and all i want is just the basic good relationship wich seems impossible to get for me, its even hard for me to even think positive about anything that encounters me, because from my experience everything just goes bad in the end no matter what i do.<br />
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Ive also had only few friends, i think more of em as occasional friends, we grew up together all the years but when i decided not to smoke weed anymore, the contacts just broke off. They in the meanwhile became all happy and stuff with their girlfriends and like a million friends to go along. WHile im sitting here at 3:30am alone like always, im wondering what to do next, i mean ill never gonna commit suicide because even if God aint here i still fear his existence though. And in the end noone would be helped with it at all, the only thing that gets me even up tryin is the fact that im a man, and ****, so many others have made it good there must be a way for me to have it at least average. Im wondering how i got to this point though, i dont want to smoke weed over these troubles cause weed only makes it worse in the end weed keeps you where you are it doesnt bring you any further, but i do understand that it can help to kill some time.<br />
Im also tryin to get out and do stuff but most of the time what i see just reminds me of what i miss and i feel even worse in the end. Its like nothings there thats been made for me, i dont know i just start feelin so empty latley.<br />
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"""QUOTE"""My point is that I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of going to bed alone. I’m tired of spending my days alone. I’ve got nobody to talk to, nobody to “hang” with, and nobody who wants me around. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this life, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of the heartaches, tired of not being able to trust anybody, tired of watching movies and playing games alone, tired of sitting at home. I’ve started to give up, have become a hermit, and thoughts of ending it all are coming more often. If life is supposed to be about ups and downs, then where the hell are my ups? My hope is running on fumes.""""QUOTE"""<br />
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I dont really have an answer for you m8, all i can say is that youre not alone and there certainly is something for us, there must be...right ?

I don't mean to make anyone believe that I'm locked up in my home, and never leave. That's not the kind of isolated I'm talking about. I'm self-employed in the window cleaning business, and during the summer I am constantly out and about, meeting clients and working. My feelings of isolation come from the fact that I don't have anybody to actually "hang" with. If it were as easy as simply venturing out and getting one, like going to the store to buy groceries, then I would have done so long ago. I think my biggest problem is that I've grown tired of the mistreatment I've taken from several so-called "friends", and as such, I do not put up with it anymore. I know there are others out there who, in desperation, allow themselves to be mistreated just so they are no longer alone. <br />
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Until recently, I was in that category. I was seeing a young woman who was with me simply because it was convenient. There would be weeks that went by when I didn't hear from her, then she'd simply show up and act as if she'd just seen me the day before. I think she only stopped by when she had nothing else to do and was bored. Granted, when we were together we'd usually have a good time, but I finally realized how little I really meant to her when she couldn't stop talking about this other guy she'd met.... while we were making LOVE!!!!! I felt so degraded and worthless, and told her to get out. This kind of thing has been happening almost my whole life. <br />
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As a young man, I put up with it because I didn't want to become totally excluded from the human race. Recently I've tried to reclaim my self worth, tried to find people who will treat me as well as I treat them, with respect, affection, and attention. Thus the cause of my current state of lonliness. I've even considered called up that woman and apologizing, not because I think I was wrong, but because I'm so tired of having nobody to be with, nobody to confide in, nobody to laugh with, cry with, share the whole life experience with, day after day, week after week.

Is there any chance of you venturing out and just making a few friends or one friend? Please do not continue to isolate yourself, it is not healthy. Please stay in touch, I am a new friend! Hugsxxoo

Thank you all for your kind words. I came across another profile here today that mentioned all of her close friends were actually online friends living in other areas, states, even countries, so she could never hang with them, or just sit in silence, just being near each other. This really sums up how I feel. I know there are people online who experience the same things I do, but it really sucks that in spite of the internet, I'm still so isolated

Wow, I saw a great deal of myself in some of the things you have written but not on a deep level as yours. I immediately wanted to be where you are at and just hug you and tell you that I will be your friend. Please, please do not give up on life. You are not discarded by any means!!!!!! It is a sad, cruel world we live in and all the wrong people get the attention, adulation...the older I get, the more I see this. I do believe in God...but I do not force my beliefs upon anyone. He is what has sustained me throughout my life when I was getting used and abused by people because I was TOO nice. Yes, women can be pretty ugly and materialistic and they look for the macho, Mr. Wonderful types, but they are looking in the wrong direction. I cannot answer for the choices that women make, but my choice is to be here and be a friend to you!!!!!!!!!! Many, many hugs and know that you will not be one of the forgotten ones.....

I often feel like everyone and life in general has taken a big steaming dump on me. If you want someone to chat to and bounce things off, feel free to get in touch mate...

I cried reading this*hugs*Your not alone.

Yeah. The whole "chin-up" thing is annoying. Funny thing is, when you ask them when will it get better, nobody has an answer. It's usually the people who've got everything going for them, tons of friends, thriving and healthy relationship, etc. These people have never experienced the darker side of life. Sunshine, rainbows, and the magical land of gumdrops are all they have ever known. I think you're right. It's all about luck. People say that you have to have a positive attitude, that you can change your life, but how can you when things constantly go wrong? That's like telling someone that if they keep beating their head against a brick wall, eventually they'll break through.

You're right about women, most of them are too blind to see the good guys, and once they do see them, they don't appreciate them at all. It's quite sad really. There isn't a logical explanation for it, but then again, women usually aren't very logical when it comes to decisions, since their thinking is based on emotion.<br />
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This is the part where one would say that things will improve and blah blah blah, but everyone tells me that too and it's pretty irritating since it doesn't ever happen. All you can do is hope that one day, you get lucky.<br />
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But yeah, I completely agree with you. Loneliness and playing video games by yourself all the time sucks. :( But you can talk to me, if that makes you feel any better. D: