Tired, Lonely, And Low On Hope.I've read over many of the stories posted here, and I think I'm starting to understand why I'm alone. I see so many stories of women who were so mistreated that once their relationships ended they were the same as the men who abused, used, or flat out ignored them. Women always say they want a gentleman who will treat them right, but in the end, that's not the path they choose. They always go for flashy, rich, muscular, cocky guys, guys who are used to getting what they want, so of course they get bored with what they have and move on because they never have had to EARN anything for themselves. And ladies, while it might just **** you off to hear this, there are just as many women who mistreat guys.
To understand where I’m at now, you need to know how I got here. For me, school was a nightmare. I was overweight and held a 4.0 GPA. I was constantly looking over my shoulders, since I seemed to be a prime target for bullies. You know those Hollywood movies where the unpopular kid finally stands up for himself, earns the respect of his peers and gets the girl of his dreams? Yeah, life is so very different. I did standup for myself since I couldn’t get the counselor, teachers, even my own parents to do anything about it, and beat the snot out the kid who had been tormenting me for 8 years. Know what happened? Everybody considered me to be the villain, and the bully’s buddies cornered me and beat me within an inch of my life. On school grounds. In class. With a teacher present. Not one of them was ever punished. That’s how real life works.
I’ve never had a girlfriend who didn’t cheat on me except one: my ex-wife. We got along ok, and I guess that’s why we got married. We were both so tired of being alone, with nobody to trust. But in the end, we realized it was a mistake. We were married for 9 years, and the last 5 of those saw no intimacy. In fact, we didn’t even sleep in the same bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch all those years, because she didn’t want me in bed with her. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like that, and so I was the one who left.
Since then, however, I’ve not made any friends. The solitude became so unbearable that I even went to the bar, which is rare for me, to find companionship. As my luck would have it, there were only 4 people in the bar: 2 couples. I’ve since tried internet dating sites like eHarmony or Match.com, but that was more like torturing myself. Seems all the women were looking for a sugar daddy with a chiseled body. When I have dated in the past, I made it a point to write little love notes every now and then, or to set aside at least two nights a week for “date night”. I’ve brought flowers just to say “I’m thinking of you”, I’ve tried to hold conversations that involve more than “how was your day?” But in the end, none of these things mattered. In some cases it actually pissed the women off. In fact, the last relationship I was in, which I guess was considered a “friends with benefits” thing, the woman and I were in the middle of intercourse when she mused about some guy she had met and she was worried he didn’t want her. She then had the nerve to get pissed at me when I abruptly stopped and told her to leave. This is the kind of stuff I’ve been dealing with my whole life.
I’ve looked for others like me, and I seem to be the only one of my kind. I love gaming, but alas, I’m not good enough for competition online. I love movies of all kinds from romantic comedies to sci-fi to some indie films to anime. My taste in music is just as eclectic: New age, Death metal, some forms of pop, Rock, Country, and Classical. For example: Enya, ZZtop, Disturbed, Beethoven, and even Lady Gaga to name just a few. I like being outside for things like camping, but I’m not an outdoor enthusiast and don’t enjoy hunting or jogging (which makes me sort of a pariah here in Montana). I smoke pot occasionally (meaning about once every 3 or 4 months) but lately I’ve been smoking more because it helps me to deal with the loneliness. The thing that my mind keeps coming back to is this simple fact: there are 6 billion people on this planet, so why can’t I find just one to be a friend or something more?
As for advice, I’ve heard all kinds. Someone told me I should seek religion. I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but I simply cannot believe in a benevolent, loving God, especially when there is so much suffering in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I did go that route for a while. I prayed every day, several hours every day, for 2 ½ years. Not even one potential friendship popped up in all that time. So forgive me if I scoff at religion as being the answer. I’ve also been told that I should join a club. Well, considering the area I live in, which is pretty rural, there aren’t many to choose from. There’s hunting clubs, biking clubs, golf clubs, and, ok, dance clubs.
If you’re still reading this, then you must be as lonely as I am. I guess I'm just trying to cover everything since this could end up being my final legacy, but I’ll wrap it up, since I seem to just be ranting now. My point is that I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of going to bed alone. I’m tired of spending my days alone. I’ve got nobody to talk to, nobody to “hang” with, and nobody who wants me around. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this life, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of the heartaches, tired of not being able to trust anybody, tired of watching movies and playing games alone, tired of sitting at home. I’ve started to give up, have become a hermit, and thoughts of ending it all are coming more often. If life is supposed to be about ups and downs, then where the hell are my ups? My hope is running on fumes.
Dragonhermit 36-40, M 13 Responses 14 Jul 23, 2010