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I Used To Be A Size 9...

Growing up I was always heavy. I think it really started when I was about 8 years old, I started rapidly gaining weight and before I knew it I was a 120lb 3rd grader. I kept getting fatter until I finally got fed up with all the ridicule. In seventh grade I started crash dieting, I turned to anorexia first and lost a few lbs, then I switched to bulimia and suddenly all the weight melted off. By my freshman year in high school I was down to 140lbs of toned legs, soft gorgeous curves, and a rack to be proud of. I was and still am only five feet tall, but my weight was so well balanced that I had all the male attention I could want. I started growing my hair out and dressing "womanly". I had several flings, boyfriends, and girlfriends. I started making friends with kids who never spoke to me before. I was finally pretty and cool. The whole time, I was dying of an addiction to throwing up, but I didn't care because I had what other girls wanted. By my junior year I had finally perfected myself to a size nine jean and a small t-shirt, medium to large button down to cover the rack. I had shoulder length hair, always freshly dyed and brushed. I got braces that year, so boys thought I was "cute" and "innocent" looking, which is a score for a high school guy. I dated three people that year. The last one was tall dark and handsome. He had big arms and gorgeous brown eyes. His Hispanic features were evident, but didn't overpower his Caucasian side. He had a firm, warm stomach, and you could say he wore his jeans well. I had never been so enthralled in my life. I obsessed over him, until one day he finally got the message. We started dating in February of 2010 after "courting" each other for a good two weeks. One week into our relationship he moved into my house with my parents permission to escape a bad home life. Another week later I was as pregnant as a bunny in the spring. My pregnancy was full term and we got married one month before our little boy was born. We lived in a small apartment in a not so good part of town so we didn't get much exercise other than a walk here and there. I had a caesarean delivery so I was inactive for two months afterward. We were also living on food stamps so we couldn't afford healthy choices. Within one year from pregnancy to February 2011 I gain 70lbs. My son is now one, I am 18, five feet tall, and 210lbs. According to the Body Mass Index, I am obese. I recently found out that I also have a fatty liver and that my gall bladder is working too hard. I have hit rock bottom with my weight and all the while I have that nagging urge to turn back to bulimia. I have succumbed a few times in the past month, but the knowledge of my son living without his mother keeps me away from the toilet. I know I need to lose weight fast so I can at least save my liver before it gets too bad, but I don't know any other way to do it. On top of all of this, my marriage is going downhill faster than I can believe. My husband and I can hardly get along and he tries to buy my affection with food, which is the only thing that is truly fulfilling to me. I'm losing him, when I need to be losing weight. I am desperate for a miracle right now before my son loses one or both of his parents.
motherofzeno motherofzeno 18-21, F Nov 30, 2011

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