It's Going To Be Ok... I Think.
2011 was a year for love. But not the happy feeling that you'd expect from such a word, more the loss of and the search for. The year started out with a major change and personal tests that really they did not stop all year long. I’ve reacquainted myself with living alone and all the things that come with being independent that I had sort of forgotten over the 3 years prior. I expected to be engaged by valentines day, instead I lost the "love of my life" because the trust barrier had been broken. And although the option to work things out was there, I decided I'd rather be alone than accept the flaw of infidelity. I've spent the entire year wondering if I made the right decision but knowing if I had stayed, I would have sacrificed my own values. I also battled my own inner deamons that came from that event, the ones that told me I wasn't good enough, or worthy of being loved. The ones that told me how disposable I am. I let that feeling take over me and persued two relationships in the year that I knew had no potential. I allowed myself to be someones part time fling thing, while telling myself that it was ok because it was SOMETHING. I pretended to be ok with it, even when I was labeled as a "psuedo girlfriend."
In the back of my head I had hoped that the first guy would save me, because it was immediaetly after my tramatuic break up. And I had hoped the second guy would think I was worth the effort. I saw the signs that I was not getting what I wanted, and I continued to persue these unhealthy relationship with these two guys. Both who I really grew to care for in a sort of unaquainted way. They are good guys with good hearts (at least one of them anyway) and probably don't realize the effect they had on me, or maybe they didn't care. I've gone back in forth with being ok with something casual and not being ok with it. I knew I wanted more because coming out of my old relationship I felt it was time for someone to treat me the way I deserved and had lacked in the years prior. What I found was that feeling of "they're all the same." As the end of the year neared I met a third potential who did almost everything right except communication. And once again theres a flaw that makes me feel like I'm not worthy of more than a friends with benifits. This affair was short lived as I finally stood up for myself and refused anything that was theoretically labeled as "booty call." I'm starting 2012 off fresh, lonely and afraid, but sticking to my guns. I'd rather be alone than feel like a toy. And I feel good about that.