I'm Tired.

I'm tired. So tired. So tired of being expected to do so much, so tired worrying what I'm going to become, so tired of worrying about what others think of me. More than half the things I do is not out of free will. 19 and not even being able to have a mind of my own. I'm so tired of having up to live up to people's expectations. So tired of being alone, so tired of fighting off loneliness. So tired of being disappointed. So tired of defending high hopes. Am I selfish? My head hurts. But I can't sleep my problems off forever. I don't know what else I can do. What am I living for? Who am I living for? Life is just a never ending cycle of unfortunate events. I'm tired of being the hamster running that wheel. "Some people just have it better than others" I refuse to admit to this fact. Mostly because, it is true. How is it that some people are so happy being them? I changed my mindset, my outlook, yet nothing has changed. Nowadays, I stop in my tracks and wonder why I even bother to try anymore. I just.. I'm tired... so tired.
rebljester rebljester
18-21, M
2 Responses Dec 13, 2012

its scary, you sound so much like me, i was worried for youi lived my life to please others, and hid who i am from everyone.i am just starting to explore trying to be myself a little, so far, its good, who knows where it leads.

Well, you sound pretty depressed, my friend... The trouble is, you've really only got YOU in life, and somehow, YOU have to pick yourself up and find that pathway to contentment. Nobody will do it for you, not even a partner in life. Yes, two people can find each other and can combine spirits and do much better together for awhile, but there are a zillion variabilities in that equation, most of them leading back to the same place you started. The truth is, most people have just got themselves so busy running after the proverbial "good life", they really don't realize that they would also be in your boat if they stopped to evaluate things. So, that's not to say, we're all zeros that can't find our way, it's more to say that life is what you make of it. I'm tired, too. I'm nearly 60 and I was in that rat race for the past 40 years and here I am wondering what's next in my life, too. It will be what I make it to be, and that's a fact.

If you think medication might help your condition, then by all means see a professional that can find what exactly is going on, and make some good judgements about what might help. Trouble is, you don't want to spend your life on meds, either. If you can avoid it, try to pick yourself up and realize that most of what you see out there (in the way of "happy people") is just a ruse that most have concocted to appear happy to themselves and others. Deep down, most of us have all got the same bills, shixxy jobs, half-hearted in-it-for-whatever-they-can-get partners, and on and on... Find some family that understands you deep down, and, if they're well balanced, maybe they can support your efforts to get your head up high where it belongs.

So, you've got one story - one group - you've just created your profile today... Obviously you've got some work to do to figure this all out. Hope you find your path!