My Mother Isnt the Person Everyone Thinks She Is....

i am almost 24 years old, about to be a married woman. i have a child who left this world well before her time, at 2 1/2 mos. old as a result of sudden infant death syndrome, another that left this world before i could ever see them as a result of a miscarriage, and another child that i thank god for letting me see each day. and yet, i still can't shake the anger, the sadness, & the general emotional whatnot associated and tied to my mother and her influence on and over those around her.

i can remember my mothers behavior being different from that of my friends parents starting when i was young. i dont really remember an exact age, just young. i remember an incident in particular from when i think i was about 4. it was summer. i guess i had misbehaved & my sister(who would have been a year or less at this point)was crying, so my dad took us out of the store while my mom paid for whatever. he put us in the car & went back inside to give my mom money, as i guess she didnt have enough. the car was parked w/in sight of the stores cash register. the next thing i remember is a lady coming up to the window and trying to get me to roll down the window. she was a stranger,  so i shook my head no as my mother had told me that all strangers would kidnap me if they were able to get their hands on me. the lady came back a little while later w/ a policeman, who showed me his badge and told me to roll down the window. when i did, he asked me where my parents were, and i told him. the next thing i remember after this is my mother yelling at me and my sister and saying it was our fault & daddy was going to end up in jail b/c of us & seeing my father in handcuffs. eventually, they took my dad out of the handcuffs but gave him a court date. the next thing i remember is getting home & going to my room & looking at my "annie" book(little orphan annie-you know, the movie and the musical?) & my mom coming in and yelling at me that thanks to me talking to the police officer, now i was going to end up like little orphan annie as they were going to take my sister and i away from them(this wasnt true as i later found out) and i started crying again. she left the room.

my mom used to always say that i was such a sweet child and ask what happened. i came to the conclusion that it is that i learned to think for myself.

i remember when i was 8 and some new people moved into the neighborhood. these new people had 4 kids that were close in age to my sisters and i. the oldest was a boy who i was told at the time had ADD. looking back on it as an adult, i think he was more likely than not autistic rather than had ADD. i remember it was shortly after my mom met this family that i was suddenly taken in for testing and put on ritalin. my mother refused to take me off the ritalin until i was 15 and she couldnt afford to get me to the therapist that was giving me the prescription. she complained about my grades nosediving, especially once i hit middle school. she would tell me that i was 3 years behind everyone else developmentally(and use this as an excuse as to why i wasnt allowed to do normal things that other kids my age were allowed to do), but then yell at me and punish me for not having straight a's. she would get especially mad at me for not getting a's in math & science, which were her strong suits, but never were mine. i remember in 8th grade telling her that the ritalin was making it impossible for me to concentrate as it would put me in a fog, & right about the time the fog would lift, it was time for another dose. she refused to take me off of it or even consider it. however, at the same time i had an allergy medication that i was supposed to be taking every day. i would have to practically beg her to give it to me(i was never allowed to dispense my own medication to myself, ever). when i said something to her about i was supposed to take it every day, she said that if i took it every day i would get addicted to it.

as my teen years progressed, my mother tried to control more & more of my life. when i was 17 my hormones were completely out of whack, to the point i was positively miserable a week out of every month. when the doctor said something to my mother about using the pill short term as a way to even my hormones out, my mother refused to even listen to her &  made some comment to the effect that if she let me start taking the pill even short term for medical reasons that i would suddenly turn into a total ****(mind you i wasnt having sex at this point anyway out of my own choice, regardless). when the doctor had me alone, she gave me three months worth of samples as i told her i was tired of being miserable. during the entire time i was on the pills i didnt have sex. or even thereafter. i put the cases in my back pack to take to school and throw away when i was done with all of them. that night i went over to my then boyfriends house for dinner w/ his parents. when he dropped me back off at home, my mother was waiting. as soon as i came in the door, she started yelling at me. when i told her that i hadnt even been having sex, she called me a liar, said something about me being a ***** of babylon, and threw the empty plastic pill case and hit me in the face with it. i wasnt allowed to see my boyfriend for a month and a half.

my mother would also encite my father to the point of rage so all i would have to do is breathe wrong & he would grab me and throw me into the wall or furniture by the collar of my shirt. he would grab me by the back of my neck like you would do w/ a cat or some kind of animal & throw me around. this stopped mostly when i got older. she would also encourage my sisters and i to rat each other out to her and pit us against each other. my sisters would get points w/ my mom for doing things like picking up the phone & listening to my phone convo's, yelling into the phone, or even just pulling the cord out of the wall so i couldnt talk to anyone. it finally got so bad by the time i was 17 1/2 that i took all of my christmas $ & bought a prepaid cell phone. my mother HATED this & refused to let me activate it. so i went on the computer @ school & activated it myself. she then tried to tell me that i couldn't use the phone I was paying for myself, & so i ignored her and used it anyway, and told her that it was my phone that i was paying for w/ my own money, and to leave me alone. my sister was allowed at tis point to come into my room & demand the phone(which if i didnt immediately surrender to her, i was grounded)&stay on it for the next  5-8 hours(i am not EVEN exaggerating here-i used to time it). if i came into her room & did the EXACT SAME thing that she did to me, i was grounded. so i went out and bought my cell phone so that i could make phone calls if i needed. my mother also allowed this same sister(who was 4 years my junior) to ride in cars with people and with drivers who had just gotten their license(i was not allowed to ride in a car with someone my own age until i was almost 18 years old). i was also not allowed to have any way of getting my own drivers license. my mother refused to let me get a job that would make enough for me to afford my own separate insurance policy as they refused to put me on theirs and let me pay the difference. finally between all this and just the ridiculousness of being 18 and treated like i was 12(complete with only being allowed to have young teen internet rights-i didnt want to look at **** or anything like that, i had schoolwork that i couldnt complete b/c the websites were blocked on that setting), i decided to leave. i talked to a guy that i worked with about moving in with him(at this point my previous bf and i had broken up as he had been cheating on me w/ a girl in his drama class). about a week before what would have been my senior year started, i packed up my things in secret and plotted my escape. i still say if i had stayed there another year, i would have probably killed myself. & that is no joke.

i moved into an extended stay hotel with my friend from work(who became my bf, despite our age difference). i actually had what i now know to be ptsd dreams-dreams where my mother would come and kidnap me and lock me away so i couldnt leave, etc. it would be so bad that i would wake up w/ stress migranes. but, a key thing i came to notice:my back didnt hurt and my body didnt hurt anymore. they had ALWAYS hurt, for as long as i could remember, all the time. i felt free; i was working, but i was making enough money to pay my rent, buy groceries, and buy other things that i wanted. i could go downtown and do things periodically and enjoy myself. i kept in contact with my grandparents and my father. my father wanted one day for me to write an email to my mother. i knew from my grandparents and from various other sources that my mother was running rampant, saying that i left so i could "go clubbing all the time", and telling people that i was a prostitute, a drug addict(i had never done drugs EVER in my life), & several other things of an ill nature. 


agirlnamedsue agirlnamedsue
1 Response Mar 25, 2009

Let me say first how truly sorry I am for your losses of your babies. I feel your pain as I have experianced 3 losses myself. Know your babies are in Heaven and are ok now. Cherish the baby you have now and pour your love abundantly every day on that child. As for your mother, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. You are grown up and a mother yourself, and you don't have to let her make you feel bad. She deserves to be treated with respect because she is your mom but that doesnt mean let her walk all over you either hon. It sounds like you had a rough childhood, as did I, so let that be your stepping stone and learn from the mistakes they made so you dont repeat them. Being a mom is the heardest but most rewarding job/life in the world. It, to me, doesnt get any better than that! Many hugs and best of luck!