Guilty

Original title I know... But it's guilt that has hindered most of my life. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was extremely verbally abusive, and a pot head mom who was there physically, and she would defend us against my dad from time to time, but it was rough growing up.

I kept to myself or spent time doing everything for my brother. It kinda hurts to look back and think how much has changed. Anyway, I blame myself for so many bad choices I made. I have dealt with so much loss, I expect it now. I feel like its my fault sometimes too.

I have had three really close friends and a wife in my 35 years, and now I don't have any of them.

My brother was my hero growing up. Once he joined the military, he was gone. He came back a different person. I changed too. I had pretended my way into popularity in highschool. I knew it was an act... I felt horrible about it but people at least liked me. I didn't have my brother anymore to relate to. I couldn't talk to my parents. My best friend Scott was already in jail. So I kept up the act. It carried well into church. People ate it up. I hated myself. I tried to be me, but I didn't know who I was. I tried to find out. I didn't know where to start. I wrapped my identity into my wife for 9 years before she couldn't tolerate me anymore. I spent my whole marriage wanting to make her happy and failing the whole time because of this guilt thing! I would quit Kobe out of fear of getting fired, or because I didn't have the freedom to do as good a job as I thought required. Just before my wife left me, I had been developing my relationship with an amazing friend. I was just to the point where I was going to lay it all out and tell him everything when he died in a car accident. I tried not to be selfish about it but i just couldn't move on. I then started confessing my problems to strangers in a desperate attempt for help. I also started seeing a counselor but that didn't help much.

I turned to all the things I had fought so hard against. I tried to be perfect and it wasn't working, so I figured I'd see what was missing. I decided "screw guilt!" I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing. That has only landed me heaped in debt. Lately I've been working hard and there are so many foreseeable future opportunities out there... If only I felt like I deserved them! :(
AshamedAgain AshamedAgain
31-35, M
1 Response Jun 15, 2012

You do deserve a good life. I identified a lot with your story. I have found that among other things a 12 step support group has been very helpful ,it has helped teach me all the things i didn't learn growing up in an alcoholic home. If a therapist isn't working for you don't give up, try another.You have had many traumas and i wish you well in overcoming them.