Me Rambling

feeling lost and alone. seems this feeling always returns. have good days when i forget these feelings. seems i got to keep myself busy. An active mind not got time to think. so maybe its just boredom. but i am so tired of my life. who i am, and what i am. And staying busy just helps to hide the truth.

just so disappointed. and trapped. i can see no way out except ...the obvious one. But i do have compassion for those i would leave behind. the survivors. I know i would hurt them so badly and they would never recover. but sometimes i feel i got to be strong, brave , and selfish and do whats best for me. And whats best for me is to....stop.

seems i'm a failed attempt at success. And its just pointless to carry on. I can see where my future is going and i do not like it. 

Okay i write a bit about me; i got a reasonible job, acceptable money, some nice workmates. surrounded by a family who love me. But thats it. Thats as good as it gets. And maybe i'm ungrateful as i'm sure a lot of people would be happy with that. But i'm so so lonely inside.

i am a 39 year old man with no friends outside work. No-one to phone, go to movies with, do anything with. I got some workmates who i can have a laugh with and even a few i can talk to on a more serious level. But its only inside work.

I have always been a very shy guy and i didn't even have a friend or girlfriend until 7 years ago when i met someone online. Then i met her and we had an online relationship for 5 years but she lived far far away and we only manage to meet a few times. In the end she grew tired of the situation and dumped me. I do not blame her for this. We still send the odd polite emails but maybe this is wrong and it might be wiser if we cut off all contact.  But that would hurt me so badly.

After her i did manage to get 2 other relationships, one of which only lasted 2 weeks and the other for 9 months. Neither relationship was successful.

So i am quite in-experienced with women. It seems i'm learning the lessons most people learn when they are teenagers. Maybe at that age it is easier to bounce back onto your feet. for me each of these relationships have hurt me so bad. 3 girls, 3 failures.

I still occassionally see the 2 week girl around, she was outgoing girl. and i see her laughing and joking with other men. This hurts me so badly, although she doesn't delibrately try to hurt me or anything. just gives me polite hellos. But everytime i see her it knocks me down back into depression.  Common sense tells me it was nothing. Just a 2 week try out...we are incompatible, it didn't work...get over it silly boy.

I am a recluse. I don't go out very often. Apart from work and weekend shopping i just stay home. watching tv or internet. quite an empty life. I been like this since i finished college 20 years ago. I got a phobia about crowds and people and over the years i just develop my own simple lifestyle. 

It is just over the last 7 years that i've begun to want more, probably because of my online first gf. Before that i didn't even consider a gf or any kind of life. work was something to be endured. work for my 8 hours then go home to safety. 

But i don't know what to do. Do i need help ? i got my pride. I've done some research and it seems i suffer from depression but i don't take any medication or anything. Just live in this hole.

so i work for 8 hours, chat laugh talk with workmates, they got no idea what goes on outside work. they probably think im cool guy. then i go home to my family home (with my eldery mother), watch tv, use internet, take mum shopping.... and thats it. I dont want to just do this for the next 40 years..

I not got any real drive to do anything, i would like to travel the world a bit but i need a companion. i tried internet dating, i tired smiling at people at work, but without socialising what can i do ?

i've never been to a party, seldom visit nightclub or pub (except when family drag me and look after me when there) i don't fancy joining any clubs or churches. I feel like an alien unable and unsure of how to act in social situations.

think i want a woman to join me in my little world but thats just crazy. who would want to ?

I'm charming, funny, kind, gentle, witty, intelligent, compassionate, dont drink, dont smoke, dont dance, little baggage, not unattractive, i got my own house, own car. Own little world.

seems my only chance of happiness is for me to change, to get out there. but its so difficult to function in social situations with strangers.

or to hope that someone in my work notices me, takes pity on me and sees my goodpoints. Its worked twice before so maybe, just maybe.

but sometimes i just feel so helpless.

whizz whizz
1 Response Feb 13, 2009

I feel the same as you, but after much thought and "thinking outside of the box" it came to my conclusion that this is a self imposed prison. It's like looking at yourself inside a cage with the key right next to the lock. We know there is so much out side there is so much to experience however to me I am afraid. I never been truly alone, even though I became socially inept after my last relationship and it affected me pretty badly when it came to social interactions. Almost 5 years had past, 3 years since the break up, I started to avoid crowds, avoid social events, and even as simple as going to the movies.<br />
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The itching feeling you feel, to me it it felt like I know there is more I can do, a hell of a lot more, then what I am doing now. I know I am smart, I know I am cunning and outgoing, but knowing it doesn't mean anything if I don't use it.<br />
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I can tell myself I am the sexiest man in the world, but if I stay inside the house all day long and ignore people... whats the point. Knowing is only half the battle, going out and doing something about it is the other half. One cannot complete the circle without both.<br />
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Now I am so tired of this mundane life style, I am so tired of this vicious cycle of Work, Home, Video Games, Sleep.... <br />
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I started small to change the mundane life style, I started to workout at least 30 mins a day. <br />
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After 90 days I am now about 35 pounds lighter and getting fit with each passing week.<br />
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This naturally progressed to biking in the weekend to local beach routes, and along the roads. I found nice people I join with weekly and we would bike for 4-8 hours, starting to enjoy my time with them as well as the fresh air and different scene.<br />
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After that it lead me to joining art class. Because I want to show people the stuff I've seen, the places I been too. I know I could've gotten a camera but I wanted to make it a bit more personal. This then lead to another and another...<br />
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Now, after that short journey of just 1 year, I made many new friends, dated a few hopefuls, but most of all I wasn't tired of my life anymore.<br />
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I still would like to find me a loving partner to share my experiences with however, I know as long as I keep moving forward I will meet her.<br />
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A year before this, I was in the same shoe as you are, I can tell you first hand. Taking at first step, is probably one of the hardest things I ever done, but I never looked back, no more what if's... <br />
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Now is more of, What's next...