I'm done. With people. With family. With love. With friendships. With waiting for my knight in shining armor. With education. With hope for a better future. With God. With optimism. With humanity. With doing good and refraining from evil. With everything that comes to my mind, and even with myself. Born into an awful family that I didn’t deserve to be born in, among the leers and jeers of my relatives, of watching all the attention go to my brother in terms of love and education and him being a priority, ‘cuz he was a boy who had to grow into a man and earn someday and provide and take care of my parents, whereas I was expected to just hit adulthood one day and then empty my parents of the wealth they possessed, and move in with strangers, one of whom I had to be a slave to, i.e, my husband. So according to them I did not deserve love, attention and care ‘cuz I was born to rob them, whereas my brother was born to fill them up with happiness and security. He was the pride, whereas I, the baggage they had to get rid of someday. Being forced to conform to conventional Muslim standards, trying hard to be a “girl” and not a “boy,” listening to taunts and facing the drama, disrespected, feeling unwanted and crying myself to bed, and thinking that tomorrow is another day, I grew up. I was a girl full of potential, but due the neglect of my parents and their extremely troubled marriage, I remained average. As for my own personal growth, it was obviously hindered and I was and always and still am very less confident, fragile, easily moved to tears, a pushover and a carpet who people have and still walk over. One who barely has friends, who no cool people like, who is far from being likeable and a “loner.” When I entered college, I noticed that having a boyfriend took care of so many woes, so I went into dating guys I didn’t really like, let alone love. And well, the mean world doesn’t spare anyone, let alone a weak, unloved girl. By the time I realized the gravity of my doings, I was into deep ****. The guys I dated exploited and destroyed me emotionally. But I clung on to them coz I didn’t want to be left alone, as loneliness meant the return of my devils and I feared them more than anything. But since last year, I decided to change, and to be honest, I haven’t left all of my habits but I really am trying. But this change is making me sadder and heavier each day. It definitely has given me strength and helped me realize that I don’t have to depend on anyone for my happiness, and even if I did, it would cause me nothing but misery, just like my past experiences. Being alone has helped me focus on myself and all the stuff I avoided focusing on till now, but the more good I do, the more I am criticized. The more I struggle, the more hardships are sent my way. The more I gather courage to cut off toxic people from my life, the more they keep returning back, meaner and stronger. I no longer have the strength left to fight the world, without a single person having my back. I’ve been through hell and back, and still trying to hold my goodness and trying to stick with my principles no matter what, but it isn’t rewarding me with anything except more hurt and bitterness. I’ve been both a good and a bad girl, but being bad was so much easier, and well, what does doing good yield anyway ?
AngelAisha AngelAisha
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I 'd just like to comment and tell you a piece of advice from my own familly which is very traditional as well, but not as uncaring...sort of. my sisters felt the same way as you and so did I, my parents didn't marry for love and we were the only thing keeping them together, being born as an accident i was also unwanted and an extra mouth to take care of, I've been both a good and bad person and religiously my life has had very weak points in it, you want hope, a better tomorrow and a life where your able to choose what you want and i think you can get all that and more. accepting yourself and facing the facts is where you start, getting away and starting fresh is the next step, and love...its crazy like you've prob. heard all over hollywood but its kinda true, fate is a weird thing. all you've got to do begin by making daily changes so as to change your life for the better. right and wrong is subjective and religion is meant to not be a hinderance, im no saint but getting away from all my bad lifestyle habits meant cutting myself off and isolation. it meant focusing, it meant that i would use all the doubt and oppression from my parents to get out of my house, change my life and make a life i want. i use it as fuel, and i hope you do to, bc doing nothing is the first step in giving up, and once hope is lost people lose touch with their humanity..i hope this helps and sorry for the long message. i'm sorry you feel so bad

The definition of good & bad keeps changing every five or ten years . So don't bother thinking abt whether you're a good girl or a bad girl. It doesn't worth your time . Since you belong to a conventional muslim family there are going to be a lot of restrictions and if you try to break it then ppl will brand you as a bad seed .

I'm not going to give you a lot of advises full of hope. The practical solution for you is to find a good job. I know you're studying right now but start looking for a good one and away from your city/state . It will be difficult to convince your parents but if you want to escape all the hypocrisy then this is the only way . Good Luck :)

NB: stay away from arranged marriage as long as possible , It's not good for your mental health :D

It is a tremendous error to feel helpless. Do not seek help from anyone. We are our own help. If we cannot help ourselves, there is none to help us...this is the last and the greatest lesson, and Oh,what a time it takes to learn it!... Just think of the huge mass of misery, and all caused by this false idea of going to seek for help.

You may pray to everyone that was ever born, but who will come to help you?...Help thyself out by thyself. None else can help thee, friend...Get hold of the Self, then. Stand up. Don't be afraid. In the midst of all miseries and all weakness, let the Self come out, faint and imperceptible though it be at first.

~ Swami Vivekananda

You are a wonderful person. Stay on. Struggle on and on and you will see the light, slowly and steadily. I hope someone was there to support and cheer you on. But still you on your own are more than anything...

Thank you for sharing the wonderful quote and for commenting. :)

By an accident of birth, you were born female. I feel so sorry for you girls born into a culture where your only worth is being able to produce men.