Time

I am tired of waiting around to be in the arms of the man I love, for the day that I will finally give in to my urges to hit shoot up again, for things to get better, for the day I can honestly say that I am free and happy, for the day I can say that I am stong enough to take on anything, for the day I can stand up and say that I am special that I am someone, for the day that I wont feel like the whole world is out to get me, and for the when I can stop fighting. I dont know how much longer I will be able to wait, if I am even strong enough to wait.

I never was good at waiting for anything, I was always the type to go out and get what I need and wanted, I never waited around for anyone to do anything for me because I knew that no one would... But what I am waiting for now isnt something that I can go after and get, these are the types of things that comes in time.

Time means a lot to me now, because I never know when I will run out of time. I want to get what I am waiting for before it becomes to late. To some these maybe silly, but I want to have peace with myself .. I want to be able to say that I am content with my life and my ways, that I forgive myself for eveything that I have done to ruin the life I had, and that I dont regret the choices that I have made in life. I may never be able to say that, I need to find a way to do it and I am confused on how to. For me it is harder to forgive myself than it is to forgive the people that have hurt me in the past, maybe its because I know that I had control over what I did and didnt have control over what they did to me. I hurt myself daily, and it never seems to stop..