I met my now best friend four years ago while studying abroad. Long story short: we had an instant, beautiful, close connection and spent all our time together. Naturally, people often assumed there was more than a friendship between us, but that really was never the case then. Upon coming back to the US, we managed to stay incredibly close despite living on opposite coasts. We talked on the phone multiple times daily and I knew more about him than anyone else, even his closest friends back home. It was only a matter of time before I started developing deeper, more-than-friendship feelings for him, and about three years ago I mustered up enough courage to talk to him about it. He didn't reciprocate those feelings, which I accepted, and our friendship remained stronger than ever.

Over the next few years, we visited each other whenever timing was right. This past summer, I even moved in with him while he had a summer job at his old law school. It's difficult for anyone to believe that nothing physical happened while spending so much time together, but it just didn't.

Recently, I brought up a relationship conversation between us because truthfully, I suppressed my feelings, but I realized I was never really able to shake them. I try not to live in the future, but I become anxious at the thought of him meeting another girl and our friendship naturally changing. (Since we've met each other, neither of us has been in a relationship.) As he explained it, his take on relationships is that he doesn't want anything until he finishes law school, two years from now, because a relationship would be too time consuming or distracting and he's focusing on school. He said no one should wait for someone else, and I agree, but any guy I meet just doesn't live up to what I have with him.
The next time I talked about it with him, he became upset and questioned why I need to "label" everything. I honestly just want commitment and as silly as "labeling" may sound, I believe it's important.
His family also loves me and last time they visited, his mom made a point to tell me multiple times never to leave him, that's he just still immature, and just to be persistent. She also said he probably won't be serious until I get my Master's degree (which I plan on doing, but I also still like to believe in some idealistic way that someone would want to be with me irregardless of having a higher degree.) I love this man more than anything, but I'm worried I will somehow not achieve enough to match up to his perfectionist standards.

I now feel like my feelings will only grow because he's transferred to a better law school in the same city where I live and we'll see each other all the time. I feel torn because I'm so attached, but at the same time, I feel somehow "inadequate" for him because I'm not pursuing an Ivy league degree, the way he is.
From the sounds of it, am I too invested in a relationship that I reluctantly hate to admit am wishing will develop into something more in the future? I don't know if I'm being "strung along." Do relationships really change from friendship to something more after a long time? From your experience, do you think there is any hope for my dreams of the two of us? Or should I just detach myself a bit from him and try my best to date around more?
conflicted24 conflicted24
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 30, 2014

I worry about the fact you are so concerned about living your life measuring up to him! Why wouldn't you be considered until you have your Masters? If he is perfectionistic now, he will likely continue the same way, and you have to know you are more than 'enough' in a relationship of any sort. The best advice I have received I will pass on to you. Women marry when they think they have the right guy, but men marry when they have the right time usually. His priority is not you...and who knows if it will be? You are begging for trouble being with someone that could ever behave as if you're less than top priority romantically. That having been said, he has every right to focus, and there's nothing wrong that. You say no one can measure up to him, but he's not offering you love, and someone else could- so you are measuring in unfair comparisons! No other man will likely offer you the.special friendship he does, but they can offer you something he probably can't too....he's said not in love.with you. Believe him. And allow someone else that thinks you are amazing no matter what your education to love you. At the end of a day, your degree won't keep you warm, and even if you married your friend at some point you may always wonder if you meet his standards.

So well put. This is tough to go through, but you have an excellent point; I never realized that there is something that other guys could provide that he can't. And the advice about timing seems to be ringing true as well.
Thank you.

It's interesting to hear your story, and I know how you can get him. It's all counter intuitive, but it will work.
Basically chasing after him will get you no where.
You need to let him see your a sexual creature and by that start dating other guys. He will get really jealous and start chasing you. My take on it anyway. Be indifferent either way

If it didn't change, it probably won't. Sorry.