people define life to be miserable, but this misery can take many faces...mine takes the form of fear, acute disappointment, hopelessness, anger, repressed rage, or self harm arising from relationships...love relationships...

and i dont want to talk about how tired iam when this keeps happening again and again...
but what truly amazes and shocks me how little he cares about me,....he says he is an emotional guy and yet not for one moment does he cut me some slack...
my trouble is i think too much, which he desnt fail to remind me of,,,for he says look at my dysfunctional relationships with EVERYONE..I dont get along with anyone and thats coz i read soo much in their words....
and my so called best friend hurt me real bad 8 months back when she said she cant counsel me all night long, that did it for me, bye to her and now i have become that ***** to another friend of mine...but i defend myself for i say i had more patience than the friend who betrayed me...yet he refuses to believe me...so basiclally he incessantly tries to show me the mirror and what do i see? ohh what a loser iam that i dont get along with anyone and to top it iam also a hypocrite..
i question him why does he keep showing me the mirror, doesnt he already know that iam too well aware of my self created predicaments, then why rub it in my face? what does he expect to happen? i will get an insight that what a fool iam and change suddenly? he says he is not that dumb to think like that..
but my question is....do you relentlessly talk about my self created weaknesses because you care for me or you care about us and he says both, and more about me..as in how would i deal with more severe problems in the future?

well i dont believe him...thats the whole issue...i dont believe him when he tells me he cares about my health which is why he keeps showing me my flaws so i would correct it
for if he really did care about me..he would have said something, when i told him in my teary restrained asexual voice that i dont trust anyone to stay for my dad would threaten to leave home which he did a couple of times, and my mom would threaten to kill herself...and he concludes like some kind of an intellectual investigator...yeah if that were to happen in the formative years...then this kind of lack of trust is expected...
i softened and i said i understand how difficult it must be for him to not be trusted by me..he must be feeling it is so unfair...and he readily agrees and says that he is paying the cost for what others did..
iam stunned in silence but gain the strength to make him see he said he is paying the COST, like being with me is paying the cost...i tell him, it is his misfortune then that he ended up with someone like me who has such a history..he dismisses that and says no he has a good fortune to be with me...

some more hurtful moments later i confront him...that he doesnt support me at all, what kind of support is it, if he feels he is paying a cost, he clarifies, that because of others, our relationship suffers, but i see 'our relationship' as a blanket term for him, he suffers...i openly tell him, how is he helping me...if he pressurizes me to not take so much tension, and my mind always thinks oh if i dont stop thinking so much something bad will happen, like i might lose him..then how is his telling me all of this helping me at all and how can he expect me to believe he says all of this coz he care about ME when he knows very well that i would take more tension now since he gets aggrevated over me unchanging ways....what kind of support is this..he says he cant give me false support...if that is what i want in the name of support...and shakily sticks to his stand that he is paying a cost...and so basically i get to hear all of this coz my problem is iam an insecure ***** who feels he will leave me...so i tip toe around him, always trying to keep him happy, btw he doesnt want to do that all the time else his work will suffer he says.....
i feel it is so unfair..he makes me talk...he asks me affectionaltely what am i thinking and when i tell him, he starts to get irritated, and says generic things like why do we end up talking like this so frequently, and mind you he says, i hate such talks...i ask him what kind off talks...talks about me not being good enough for him, him not taking as many initiatives as me and thus me seemingly being a clingy person...
where is the affection in all of this...
he says it doesnt paint a pretty picture to think that one is unaware of his so called life partner crying and sulking at some point without closing...
he finds it all so weird...that i might get depressed the very next moment...
i point out how his father has acquired his set ways with his relatives whom he doesnt trust anymore and wont ever..he is like he cant do anything about it, and thinks what can be done, unfortunately he is my father..so that can soon transpire between us...i wonder how offended he would have been had i implied something like this in a reverse scenario....that unfortunately he is my dad, and if you start behaving like him, i would think of our bond as an unfortunate tie up as well....bondage
he says such things and i think to myself...where is the love, the support...
instead i try to lessen his tension by telling him that how hard iam trying to not stick to this hoplessness and that things will change and are changhing somehwat..presenting my report card, as if iam a psycho on medication who is showing improvement...its a lot to stomach...since iam myself a psychologist in the making and go for therapy myself....so i can never rid myself of the 'sick' label..iam sick and i make him sick so i better cure myself asap or else....i should ask my sir he says jokingly that what has he managed to achieve with me in the last 2 years instead of being happy about the 2 yr anniversary...such things..such implied things...

and i feel helpless and trapped...i tell him i wont tell him about my stuff with other people for he judges me and i wont tell him about my worrying spellss....he says the point is not to tell..the point is why do i doubt him so easily..i get that and that is why i always feel bad for him...and try and sympathize with him, but he cant direct any false support, sympathy towards me..

and so i feel like an angry kid, on a mission, who has been ******** of everything and in a bid to go on that kid promises to get rich, and show it to him...but to whom? my partner? is that what a partner is for?
i had started the conversation with how i feel he hasnt normalized in the last 2 days since i told him how he doesnt take too many initiatives and doesnt really care when i come to meet him and he encourages me to tell him all iam thinking-that how i want him to be normal and not make too much of an effort, that how i know i stick to hopelessness but i try not to...silence and then comes the blaming and pushing me away part...i have bad equations with everyone
if we can talk so much over a non issue, what will happen when a real issue arises
why do we keep having such talks frequently..too frequently once a month i remind him how he doesnt care as much about me ( can you blame me, i tell you about my parents, and still you tell me how you cant give me fale sympathy)

and so in the end now i feel soo alone..i promise that from today i will try and trust me and not overthink when he doesnt make plans himself to meet me or talk less over phone...

i had also asked him how when he felt i wanted to break up he didnt put in a fight, he said there is no point, if one can think of leaving the other person once, that person can have such a thinking again..so why try.......so basically if i tell him iam going away, he wont even ask my why, let alone try to stop me..

i feel like he just pushed me away..i always feel so...that no he doesnt need me...he needs me to just be all smiles and dont worry him with the kind of person iam which is too much of a headache to deal with...when i talk about myself or my probs, no matter how self created they are, this is how reacts, and then he wonders why i dont trust him to want me equally and that he wont leave me

i feel like he is twisting my elbow to make me change my ways, and he knows i give in to the pressure for i always promise iam trying to change my ways, he says thats what he likes best about me, that i work on my betterment
but what about him, what is he doing, he is so set in his ways..no he wont sympathize with me, yes he is paying a cost, yes he does worry about himself as well, as a life partner with me, no he wont support me if by support i mean false sympathy and affection..i cry..and when he knows for sure that iam crying, then he would never point it out, that iam crying, would overlook it..other times would keep randomly guessing that iam crying..
i feel threatened and thus alone..no one to go to...is this what relationship is all about?
if he cared enough, he would have called again to check on me, all he did was send a smiley face....i asked is he thinking something, he was like no, am i, i say no...
so iam expected to stomach all my pain, choke it back, lest it pours out and he shows me what a freak iam...and how much i wrry him about his future with me..
i feel like disappearing..shrinking into something so minuscule and small that it gets lost and never found..

and i feel angry..he couldnt give me his love and affection and yet iam all smiless..
Nishitaa Nishitaa
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 24, 2014

He is in failure of paint and isn't having guts to face the same. But hiding the same by screaming on you. He can't face the world so he is giving up his frustrations on you. You being a women do have self-center and he should equally value you which he isn't doing. Don't bow yourself, you have to lead a long life. You are a doctor, you cure patients don't become a patient.