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A Strong Emotion.

Jealousy is an extremely strong emotion for me.

I over think things, I assume things, I make up stories in my head. Something in my mind is always telling me that this person is doing this and doing that and they're just using me or they're lying to me, and these thoughts are so constant and so intense that I begin to believe them, and then I start lashing out.

I can be fine the next, happy and content with not a worrying thought, and then like a flick of a switch I become a bitter, jealous person. It can be over stupid things; a friend could be talking to someone else while they're also talking to me, and this will set off my jealousy. A friend can be communicating with gestures and comments with someone else while I'm also online, and this triggers my bitter side. A friend could be sharing things with someone else before they share it with me, and I become jealous. A friend can have more in common with someone else more than me and straight away my mood changes from relaxed to ragging jealousy.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am this way because people have lied and used me in the past, and I've become incredibly insecure that when someone gives me genuine attention, and then I see them giving attention or having a candid interest in someone else as well, then it must mean they're lying about the sincere and kind things they've said to me, that they're just pretending to be interested in me for some twisted reason.

This thought in the back of my head continuously tells me: "They're lying. They don't care about you. Look at them, giving someone else attention like they were just giving you attention moments ago! They're using you. Push them away. Get rid of them." And then I find myself pushing this person(s) away, because I either feel like my jealous side is making me think things that could be far from the truth, or my bitter side will cause a lot of strain in my friendships.

This is online, and it makes it so much more intense. It's hard to fully put your trust into someone you only know over a computer. There's a part of me that wants to trust again, to not over think things and have such a pessimistic out look on everything, but I'm so so scared of opening up, of letting someone in, and then having it backfire on me. It's been done before, and each time this happens to me, I become more closed off.

However, there's then another part of me that wants to feel wanted, appreciated, special to someone that when I find a person(s) I have a lot in common with, I latch myself onto them and I become attached and then when they're not giving me that attention I crave - something I don't want to yearn for, but somehow can't help but do so - I become scarily jealous and vicious.

It frightens me; I don't want to be this way. I can't be this way. If I continue to be like this, I'll never make friends in reality. I'll never be able to keep a stable friendship. I don't even want to think about relationships; I can't even keep a friend let alone find a partner and be able to keep it steady and positive. I don't want a relationship right now, but when the time comes, I want this jealousy gone.

I need it gone.

tianajade tianajade 18-21, F 13 Responses Sep 21, 2012

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I feel this way all the time, thankyou so much for writing this.. This is dead on and I'm glad someone else feels this way. Jealousy is a terrible trait and its rotting me from the inside. I hate myself so much most of the time. I feel like a bad bad person. why cant i just accept myself as I am. what is wrong with me?!!

Cannot thank you much for writing this. I feel this way many times. Though I don't accept it. And maybe 'll never accept it.

Same here *Hand up* Weird, but i might be the only guy in the world who feels like this...

Probably not.

Definitely not, I always feel this way. It's why I can't keep friends in my life, if someone doesn't talk to me for a day I think "Oh well they probably have someone better to talk to, no point in me bugging them with my stupidity."

Wow. You basically just expressed everything I feel all the time. And I hate it too! I don't show that I'm jealous, but I'm always jealous of small things. And I'm always wanting to please people. I sometimes even change myself to please them and it's all because of jealousy, because I can't take it when that person or people go for someone else because I can't give them what they are seeking for.
I trust quickly and get hurt easily. It's f'ed up. And I hate it.
I hope you do overcome it. Good luck :)

I'm the same, always trying to please people, trying to be what I think they want me to be. It's kind of like I'm competing against other people, but no one else knows it, it's all inside my head. Ha. It's crazy. But, I'm glad I'm not the only one!
Good luck to you, too!

You're right about the competing part. Hehe
But thanks.

I'll admit , I've been there , jealousy is a ROTTEN thing , but deep down I KNOW its wrong , so I've learned to IGNORE it

Jealousy is just the fear you are not good enough to deserve someone liking you.

I mean knowing what you know about yourself (not the good parts, but those vile nasty and disgusting parts)

and over there the violins are playing...

-_-

Again- we are so similar. I f'n hate dealing with this jealousy issue. You are so right, it's like a switch. Everything can be fine and chill and then the jealously switch is turned on and ugh is all i can.

Woww, I can really relate to this! Like dead on. I totally understand what you mean when you said that you have become this way from people who have lied to and used you in the past and as a result, making you insecure. I also am exactly the same way with when you said when you notice a friend giving someone else attention and stuff and how it makes you feel some type of way. I find myself feeling that way lately.

Give your self some credit for recognizing what your jealousy is doing to you, and your sincere desire for change.

You have it right. You are telling yourself stories that you have made up in your head, and then reacting as if they were truth. You are afraid of being hurt and afraid of loss. You are trying to self protect to avoid pain. Try and have some compassion for the place in yourself that has been hurt to the point where you feel this vulnerable. It is through healing this place of hurt where you heal jealousy. You can never ever heal it by trying to control another person or situation. If you don't get at its root, the jealousy will attach yourself to every and any situation where you feel unsafe, insecure, and vulnerable.

Hugs.

Thank you for your advice. I'll need to try and find a way to heal that hurt.

Everything you have just said is exactly the way I am! I never thought there was someone else out there that has jealous issues like I do. I commend you for writing what you did. It's hard to admit it to yourself let alone others.

Yes, I realised it was probably a risk to admit this, but I went ahead with it anyway. :) It's a relief to know I'm not the only one that has this intense jealousy.

Jealousy is hard to deal with because it's hard to imagine any other way of thinking. Most of the time we are jealous because we care but it just finds a way to express itself in a negative way.

I wish that I didn't have to feel this way either because all it does is make you feel worse about yourself and the worse you feel the more jealous you become. It's a vicious cycle. One that I need gone as much as you do.

Its hard, the world can lead you so astray. I am fully understand the intense feeling you are having for I am one fragment of the same part of you. But know this, life around you is much more beautiful if you accept it for what it is. Learn to accept things without questioning why, you might get hurt & might not. Life is not as round as pearl, its rocky & dusty, made of from quantum parallel distortion. There are no certainty of similarity, as much as the same with the people you might meet. An apple is still an apple, though sour to your tongue but sweet as well at the same time. Do not afraid for being you, love others sincerely from your fragile heart, then love will grow back not from others, but from you.

Thank you for the words and your kind advice. I am a little scared of the rocky and dusty part, but like you said, I guess that's part of life.

I can identify with much of what you wrote. Like you, I want to feel special, and I grow jealous when I realize that others may be special to those I love also.

Two things have helped me. Perhaps they can help you.

One is to realize that I have this deep-seated desire to be the other person's "one and only." I can then look at it and see that makes no sense for a few reasons. For one, I love them and want them to be happy and have many fulfilling relationships in their life. It takes nothing away from my relationship with them for them to have other close friends. It simply adds to their life.

Secondly, an EPeep pointed out to me long ago that behind jealousy is fear. What is it you are really afraid of? Is it fear of caring about someone deeply, and not having them reciprocate? I came to understand that whether they do or not, to love freely is a gift I give them, and is who I am as s person, even if isn't returned.

You are right that jealousy can destroy friendships and relationships, but I think you are on the right path. Recognizing and admitting it is not only the first step, but perhaps also the hardest.

There is a fear of caring and letting them in, and then them not really being interested. It takes a lot to break down my walls and open up to someone, and I worry they won't appreciate it or they'll eventually get bored of me. That's a fair point, but I can't give love to someone who can't return it.

I guess admitting I have this "problem" is the first step.

Thank you for your comment!

I question your assertion -- why can't you give love to someone who doesn't return it?

If love is what you feel towards them, then that is what you feel -- regardless of how they feel.

I've never been able to give someone something, knowing that they can't do the same. I may feel it, but I'll deny it, and ignore it, until it goes away. Stupid, I know, but that's the way it is.

I don't think it is stupid. You might find it useful to dig deeper to understand why it is that way for you.

For me, when I peeled that layer off, I realized that it was because of my own insecurity and fear that I couldn't be desired. I craved the affirmation that the love from another person could give me. I looked back over my past and I saw a history of being rejected and demeaned, and used that as rationale for why I desired to be desired so much.

Put another way, my jealousy had its roots in a view of myself that was negative. When I was able to change those views (largely by questioning assumptions and things others had told me), the jealousy dissipated.

Sounds familiar. I guess I just haven't been able to put it into words, but you've pretty much just explained what I feel.

I think that we find what we look for, we take note of data that confirms our beliefs and ignore data that runs counter to our beliefs.

I grew proficient at relating a narrative of my life experiences that confirmed my frequent rejection and undesirability. Two things helped me, and perhaps they can help you. The first was to realize that as rejected and alone as I felt, I was not alone in feeling this way -- that this was a common element of the human experience. The second thing was to take a cold hard look, an objective accounting, of my life up until then, looking not only at data that confirmed my beliefs about myself, but that refuted it as well. Putting that (more) objective narrative into writing was an important part of seeing myself differently.

Good luck.

Thank you for your words and advice. I appreciate it.

That was a really well said.

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