A Strong Emotion.Jealousy is an extremely strong emotion for me.
I over think things, I assume things, I make up stories in my head. Something in my mind is always telling me that this person is doing this and doing that and they're just using me or they're lying to me, and these thoughts are so constant and so intense that I begin to believe them, and then I start lashing out.
I can be fine the next, happy and content with not a worrying thought, and then like a flick of a switch I become a bitter, jealous person. It can be over stupid things; a friend could be talking to someone else while they're also talking to me, and this will set off my jealousy. A friend can be communicating with gestures and comments with someone else while I'm also online, and this triggers my bitter side. A friend could be sharing things with someone else before they share it with me, and I become jealous. A friend can have more in common with someone else more than me and straight away my mood changes from relaxed to ragging jealousy.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am this way because people have lied and used me in the past, and I've become incredibly insecure that when someone gives me genuine attention, and then I see them giving attention or having a candid interest in someone else as well, then it must mean they're lying about the sincere and kind things they've said to me, that they're just pretending to be interested in me for some twisted reason.
This thought in the back of my head continuously tells me: "They're lying. They don't care about you. Look at them, giving someone else attention like they were just giving you attention moments ago! They're using you. Push them away. Get rid of them." And then I find myself pushing this person(s) away, because I either feel like my jealous side is making me think things that could be far from the truth, or my bitter side will cause a lot of strain in my friendships.
This is online, and it makes it so much more intense. It's hard to fully put your trust into someone you only know over a computer. There's a part of me that wants to trust again, to not over think things and have such a pessimistic out look on everything, but I'm so so scared of opening up, of letting someone in, and then having it backfire on me. It's been done before, and each time this happens to me, I become more closed off.
However, there's then another part of me that wants to feel wanted, appreciated, special to someone that when I find a person(s) I have a lot in common with, I latch myself onto them and I become attached and then when they're not giving me that attention I crave - something I don't want to yearn for, but somehow can't help but do so - I become scarily jealous and vicious.
It frightens me; I don't want to be this way. I can't be this way. If I continue to be like this, I'll never make friends in reality. I'll never be able to keep a stable friendship. I don't even want to think about relationships; I can't even keep a friend let alone find a partner and be able to keep it steady and positive. I don't want a relationship right now, but when the time comes, I want this jealousy gone.
I need it gone.
tianajade 18-21, F 13 Responses 20 Sep 21, 2012