I Am A Failure Please Someone Help! :''''''''(

Ok listen, I have some things to say.
1.the new experience project outline is ugly and not as good as the other one from about a year ago.
2.last time I was seriously writing about myself it was so long ago that I have changed so much, and I'm so far away from the person I was before but its not exactly a great or bad thing, but its gonna take a while to update
3. ok my new story.


I am not happy for my friends, I am always looking for ways that I have something better than them. So I have made some new friends, this boy jake. he is tall and good looking, and he graduated.
He has dated a lot of girls, but they were like 2-4 years younger then him he dated 13 yr olds when he was 17 tho. I date girls in my grade.

But he has his life going for him, he might get a show about paranormal activity just like paranormal state, HE MIGHT idk if it happens and because I'm jealous of everything, I hope he doesn't succeed, but he is also devoted to construction, and also is very big on cage fighting, he is muscular, has fighting skills, he will be joining a boxing club, and he is doing work on my house, and my dad and I are helping

But I don't know where my life is headed.
I am 16, I am gay, I kinda also want to be a girl..., (I won't get into this issue now, im actually not going to have a partner, or be transgender, and I don't think jake will have a big problem, I'll leave this problem later.)

but I don't know what I want to do, all I know is that I'm a really caring person, and I want to be able to help people when they are sad, I like to be nice, I don't make offensive jokes, I never use the words, ***** **** *****, you know....words like that...

And generally I'm a pretty good person, and I am always here 100% of the time when a friend wants to be able to talk about anything

and I might be a good counselor one day but idk yet.

But here is the problem.
All my life I just never really ever felt that I was a winner, or was even a good person, or an achiever.

I have always been a loser.

Jake seems to have everything going for him. But I want to see him fail. I want to see him cry, I want him to have bad things happen to him, and I want to see him mess up and feel like ****, and I will be succeeding, then Id imagine him going up to me talking about how jealous he is and how he just feels like **** about his life and I would try to cheer him up, but still seeing him FAIL would make me feel better.

I get these feelings when he talks about his friends because a lot of people like him, but my friend talks about him.

And you know what else. I love it when my people or my friends talk about other of my friends that I am close to.

I ******* love it because then my friend could get upset and that would make me feel better.

He talks about how when his grandma dies 2000 ppl came to the funeral, when my grandma died many people came but I don't think it was 2000.

But actually I remember her casket being in the church during mass..............

But he talks about how many friends he has, much more then me and it makes me feel jealous.

He also is so much stronger, he could completely kill me in a fight.

and I dated a girl that he dated and she told him "you are like the hottest guy I ever dated"

Well **** that. **** him, nobody likes him. My other friend said jake is a sped so **** that stupid sped, he can **** himself and I would love to see him fail

my other friend christian(the one who **** talked jake), just as great looking. VERY SEXY

he has a concussion and doesn't go to school anymore cuz its so bad, but he still can run, and play sports, but he just can't tolerate noise and a whole lot of people.
but 10000s of girls email, text, message him a girl and 100000s of people want to hang out with him and text him and want to connect with him.
but he hasn't gone to school since he was in 7th grade and he should be a senior. he is 17

now he got distinguished honors all his life and take one class online every semester and says he can still get a diploma.
he never studied, never did his hw and got in trouble all his life and got AMAZING GRADES!

HE IS STILL RECOGNIZED FOR HIS GRADES FROM PAST YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so this is the background of it all, but as you can see, doesn't it seem like these boys who I'm very close to have had it so good and they never had to try.

Christian never changed a thing about himself but people die for him like he is a celebrity.

10000000000s of girls message him and want him 100000000000s of people and mostly guys want to hang out with him, he was asked to go places and people text him a lot, Wednesday some boys who probably haven't seen him in a long time asked him to hunt with them and he did.

It makes me feel so upset that I have to try so hard. I change a lot. I change for people a lot, and I do so much.

I work my *** off my whole life to succeed, and my grades are above a 3.0 and I have limited friends.
And most of the time they don't care about me, I am the one going up to and talking to them and I'm the one who usually texts first cuz ultimately no one cares about me.

I feel devastated. :''(

I worked so hard for everything: friends, grades, girls, people liking me

and people who don't even try for **** just get all of those so easily

Christians life sky rockets past mine, he is 1000000000X more popular than me and girls in my grade and ******* girls from other schools that he doesn't even know texts him and messages him.
he is 1000000X better looking than me
his grades were always distinguished honors and mine are like 3.3/3.5/3.7 stuff like that

so you see. he has it all and he never even tried. I don't have anything(stuff like looks, and popularity, and friends) like these boys have.

And after realizing all of this, honestly one of these days the next GOOD chance I have I am going to get something, and I'm going to rub in their faces so hard, they will not want to speak to me ever again. Ha it just feels like that needs to happen.
if I get a girlfriend then I will ******* rub it in jakes face. I will tell him how weird and messed up it is for him to be dating girls that much younger than him and I'm going to show him my girlfriend (if I get one) and I'm going to tell him that he hasn't dated a girl hot like this.


I will do the same to christian.

So you see, one day I would love to be able to get something good in life.

I'm so humble all the time that it gets on my nerves, maybe being a good humble person makes you a loser.

But I guess I'm just a failure as a friend

You want to know something else?

I was actually one of the best friends and I am also known to be one of the nicest guys anyone has ever known.
I promote friendship, I promote people loving themselves for who they are, I believe in and promote non-jealousy, that we can all get along and not bully others, and I believe to not hold yourself in shame and to not have to compare yourself to others, I know that this is a way to ruin friendships, but I just think that you should keep your friends and NEVER LET JEALOUSY RUIN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS!

all this stuff I strongly believe in.
I am a good person, and if you ever have a problem then if you talk to me, you officially made a GOOD CHOICE :) lol

I just kinda needed to vent here about how I feel, but these clouded thoughts I have so much of the time.

And I still am considering this "dissing" thing.

But I still do have the envious thoughts, how much I tried but ended up with limited, how much those 2 didn't try and ended up with it all..........especially christian.....
confessionstotell confessionstotell
13-15, M
Dec 2, 2012