Jealousy, The Good The Bad, And The Downright Ugly


Recently someone asked me to write about Jealousy, and so i started thinking about me and how jealousy i used to be, and still am sometimes...

There are many different forms of Jealousy, sometimes its envy over someone, maybe they have a better job, more money, maybe they just got luckier than you... Some of it attributes to bullying. A lot of kids who are bullies have a really tough life at home, and take it out on kids who they are "jealous" of. A lot of the time, we attribute jealousy to relationships.

Jealousy like depression and anxiety, it makes us do some pretty dumb things some times, from silly arguments to abuse both physical and emotional... It's like a ball of energy inside you that makes you so upset or confused... and you want to explode...

Before I can break down Jealousy, let me tell you a story about myself, and we can use that as an example.

It was October, and I was a young man dating a beautiful woman who worked at the movie theater at a nearby mall. It was great because we had lots of free dates :) Anyway, some times i like to surprise here when I am at home and she was at work...
This day I went over to her favorite chocolate store and got her a box. I wanted to surprise her with it so i snuck into the movie theater to see what she was up to...
To my discomfort she was talking to one of the guys she was working with. She said he was annoying, but there she was hanging out with him...
Maybe she said that because she liked him? No way... i thought she liked me! I he might be good looking but not as smart... And then they started laughing... my blood was boiling... are the flirting!! are they joking about me?! come on this is crazy! I got these chocolates...

I assumed she liked him and stormed over there, dropped the chocolates on the counter and walked off.

It was like a two year old throwing a fit... She called for me to come and i just walked off.. We did not talk for a while after that. And then of course like all young relationships it faded away.

But there is a good example we can go with.

1) What triggers your jealousy?
For this example, she was being happy, talking to another male. And since I was not confident in my self, I made the assumption she liked him. This made me upset and very insecure..
What about you? What is your reason? And what does it have to do with you? Find the source of jealousy will usually help you prevent triggers that are false alarms (like my own) and allow you to better cope with it before you explode like I did.

2) Good Triggers for Jealousy.
Lets pretend the guy was an ex boyfriend, who she said she had some feelings for. Lets add that she kissed him once while we were dating. And after we talked about it, she promised she would make sure not to be alone with him or to talk to him while we were dating out of respect.

So now instead of just Jealousy, I have a red flag, this is your mind warning you that this is not a good situation. And you need to know the truth on her feelings because its not fair to anyone to be in a love triangle right?

If a man got got texting girl in a flirting manner, and his wife tells him he needs to stop because its going to ruin the marriage... shes in the right for this kind of behavior...

You need to take a step back and look at the big picture without your emotions. Some times that feeling is really telling you something is wrong.

Some times its okay to be a little jealous of something small, just because you like him and its normal. its the ACTIONS that are taken that is what jealous is all about.. Your feelings you get, its normal, healthy. Its how you deal with it that is the key.

3) The Jealous storm..
When they laughed.. I'm thinking the worse, like they are in love and are kissing or something! I feel betrayed and hurt and abused... arrghh!

But you know what? This wild emotion and fear I have... it comes from no truth or evidence.. I am making assumptions.. Is it fair for me to be upset that she talks and laughs with other men? No matter what was going in in front of me.. all i saw was exaggerated pain. Created from my own self doubt.

This is just like depression preventing you from being happy when you get those moods, or anxiety stopping you from focusing.. It just overwhelms your senses and makes you lose control.

4) The aftermath

I lost that relationship pretty quick after that, Most women and men,, don't like someone who is going to be insecure and possessive. It makes it hard for them to enjoy their independence of being themselves when you are not around... Its like being stalked almost.. When you are a couple, why should either party walk on egg shells?

5) Preventing the storm.

My storm came because of my insecurities. I did not find myself worthy of her. Generally speaking people in a relationship, are not looking for someone else next. That is until you push them away with these sort of storms... When the grass is green, give it water, don't stomp on it!

Because we have had red flags in the past, or maybe we were blind sided, we have these fears... but the problem is, it makes it unfair to other person who has no reason to be judged that way right?

I Still get jealous some times.. but i remind myself, look we are happy now, she has done nothing to harm me... and she's happy. Whats the big deal? Lets just pretend that my fears are true, I move on and find someone who i can trust.

You need to love yourself, and when you see yourself with that person, you need to see how happy he is, and you are.. it is real. its special. You cannot love anyone until you love yourself.

Why does that work? because when you don't love yourself, you doubt when others love you... that doubt? Thats right festers like anxiety into jealous "storms"

6) Taking care of yourself.

Like I said before, eating right and exercise.. meditation and music. they play huge roles and gaining confidence and just making you feel good. finding things that make you happy and seeing yourself as wonderful as you are makes a big difference.

He or she is with you for a reason. Until the prove untrustworthy. You should give them their space and know that they are LUCKY to have you and should work hard to keep you.

If they don't respect that? if they give red flags? Its time to look deeper into if you want to keep this relationship.

Because nothing is going to be stable without trust.

7) On the receiving end!

I know its hard to put up with jealousy... and if it gets bad, GET OUT..
I never condone any sort of abuse of any kind.. But if your man or woman... if they are a little jealous, its okay.. it shows they like you and want to keep you with them.. A lack of jealousy completely can be a little off too!

If someone is being jealous and it is sort of getting bad, like my storm off.. You can read through this and see what is triggering it, be supportive and help them out, show them your love and that you care, but they need to trust you. Time fixes these things usually ;)

So while I am addressing jealousy and harmful.. We all get jealous some times..

Thank you so much...

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3 Responses Jan 19, 2013

nice breakdown. Fascinating

Wow that was a very informative article on jealousy. Thanks!

A great in-depth evaluation on the different aspects of jealousy we all should use (as a base) to examine our own jealousy trigger points, be willing to honestly identify them and mature enough to handle them so as to limit the insurmountable rage responses to those that are more rational and less self destructive.

My jealousy (or in some cases I would define as frustrations) is seeing others pass me by (in the professional arena) and get the type of job/position or salaries because of whatever reason when I have strived, sacrificed and busted my but to ensure I qualify or achieve all the requirements for the said position. My response, to that: I shut down and “work to rule” – where I do not make any comments of my disapproval, I participate in activities when I have to and no extra effort (i.e. overtime) will be dedicated to the work, but I will make sure that my work is completed on-time and ‘perfectly’ - Basically, I fake it until I make it and usually that happens in very short order.

On the relationship front, I have a tendency to observe the activities before jumping to conclusions – for that has always been my reaction in the past with regards to many things. In essence, I’m in stealth mode quietly taking note of what I see and/or hear and putting them to the tests (as you pointed out in your story. Once I determine my reaction to what I have witnessed is rational, I let the other person that I do not approve of their actions and request that they quit doing so – especially if it is very disrespecting to me. But as you mentioned, if there is something that looks like a possible red-flag (i.e. contacting or speaking ex-girl/boyfriends, spouses in a ‘too friendly’ a manner – I rather get out of the relationship than wonder what is going on and unnecessarily becoming jealous and making myself a fool of something that may or may not even exist.