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My Girlfriend Says I'm Not the Boyfriend

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years now, and I am in love with her.  We've recently had some problems, because she felt like there just wasn't a spark anymore (for her). I still totally felt it.  We are still in the middle of fixing everything, because she wants to love me like she used to.

She tells me she feels like the boyfriend, and I'm the girlfriend.  I agree when she says it, and laugh... but when I really think about it, I don't understand why. I am more classically romantic, worry all the time about her well-being, and like to always be in contact with her.  I'm always giving her massages, getting her things, doing stuff for her, making her food, and stuff like that. 

It just so god damn aggrivating that I treat her so perfectly, and am under-appreciated.  Writing this story, I'm beginning to think she's spoiled.  She told me she wanted to "take a break" until the summer was over, so she could realize how much I mean to her, and how sucky other guys are.  I told her it was too coincidental that it was her senior summer to want a 'break', that she was changing drastically, that I wouldn't take her back, and that she wasn't missing out on much.  So we are back together and things are all right.  It sucks, I thought we would be perfect and be together forever. I feel like she's getting brain washed from her friends, T.V. and everything else that sucks in this world.

I don't know, it's not fair.  Any tips?

Junoh Junoh 18-21, M 6 Responses Jul 29, 2009

Your Response


Look up co-dependent and see if you fit the bill? I am in the same situation as your girlfriend and all the time I've felt kind of smothered. Also, I feel a lot of guilt about it, because my boyfriend is the model boyfriend - kind, romantic, caring, really listening to me... but the problem is, he totally depends on me for everything; emotional support, social life - he wants us to be together all the time and do everything together, and he's afraid to go out and have experiences without me. He gets insecure and needy if I don't give him the attention he needs (not the amount of attention I'm comfortable about giving). It's just no fun giving if you do it because you're being nagged about it! <br />
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So, I would recommend you start directing your focus elsewhere for a while. Get a new hobby, find new friends, get some impulses that are not related to her. Let her see that you can get by on your own - that you are with her because you WANT to, not because you NEED to. I know that's what I want my man to do anyway.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy being "emotionally needy". But it's best for them to be paired with a girl who is just as caring and sentimental as they are. I think a lot of guys take their significant others' feelings for granted. Most girls would love a guy with feelings.

I am definitely "emotionally needy." I don't think she doesn't like that about me, but I think she'd rather me be more... desensitized?

I wanted to add something to my comment. other things that would make me feel like the "boyfriend" in a relationship. I would feel like the boyfriend if my significant other wasn't attentive at all, and I had to initiate all interaction. I'd also feel like the boyfriend if my bf didn't do anything thoughtful like bring me flowers or anything sweet. That doesn't sound like you at all... so I don't know wtf your girlfriend is talking about. <br />
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Unless you're emotionally needy, some girls might see that as a bad thing in guys? Personally I don't think it's bad to have a guy with feelings.

Thanks abercrombie. It just sucks, because I tried to tell her that she's not missing anything, and she WILL come crawling back once she realized how bad of a choice she's made. I know how corny other guys are, and it makes me sick to think that any innocent girl would fall for them. I just can't let mine.

Interesting story title. <br />
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In quite a few of my relationships, I have felt like the "boyfriend" to a bitchy girl. When there's a fight, I have to be the one to resolve everything. I have to do the cheering up, even when I'm the one who was hurt. Normally guys don't surprise me with things but I'm not obsessed with the material stuff anyway.<br />
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From what you wrote, you definitely sound like the "boyfriend" in the relationship. A very attentive and sweet boyfriend at that. You are right when you say you're unappreciated.<br />
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My tip? If she even suggests wanting to go with other guys, I get the feeling that something's wrong. I know you don't want to hear this, but you're both so young, and even though you're happy, she wants to experience other things in life. Maybe she sees her single friends going out and having so much fun. Eventually she'll realize what she lost. By then it will be too late because you'll be with a girl who really does appreciate you.<br />
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Not many boyfriends do the things you listed above!