Another night...weekend...that I ahve pretended to be anyone else but me. I am walking through the streets lost. I do not know who I am anymore. With him i was someone. I was happy. My life had meaning. Now i am alone. So alone. I have left my job, walked away from life long friends, been beaten down, time and time again. Pain is what makes me know I am alive still. Pain is what i feel. Everyday! My life is no longer exciting. I am boring. I am lost. I hear his words. So ******* loud in my head. It is as if he is still walking next to me. I lay in bed at night. Always with the door unlocked. It helps me to fantasize that he will walk through my door. He will lay in my bed. He will take me...all of me. He will tell me I am not a disaster. He will say how much he still needs me. But that is all a fantasy. A fantasy that I have created. To help me get through the days. It helps me to walk. I beat him down sooo badly. i took advantage of him. I believed him when he said he would never leave. That i was his forever. When i was with him, i let him release who he really is. I allowed him to hit me, choke me, hurt me. I played the game with him. he loved it!!! I wanted him to know what excited him. I wanted to be the one who allowed him to be himself. With no reprecations. He had so much built up inside. He had been hiding who he really was for so many years. He is and always will be the best lover I have ever had. He used to say i was weak. I couldn't handle him. But I knew he liked it when i said OW! He liked the fact that I said no....knowing I meant YES YES YES! I am lost. When i see him now i pretend to be happy. I am not significant in his life any more. I stand nowhere. I do not matter. We used to be unseperable. He was my best friend. I shared so much with this man. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted him to see it, taste it, walk through it with me. He promised to neevr leave me. Just like everyone else. he did. Everyone else does not matter. he does. In my eyes he is perfect. His face is beautiful. His body is irresistable. His touch puts me in submission. But he no longer wants to touch me, taste me, kiss me, feel me. He no longer wants me. He flirts with so many woman to feel alive. He is looking down the barrel of agun just to get by. How do i move on? I have tried...some what. I have tried to allow another to take away this pain. The ending was horrific. I called they other HIS name! Three times!!! Then laughed in his face. I cannot be with another. I just cannot! I will never give up hope! We are meant to be together. He is my yang and I am his ying. We complete eachother sentences. He says what i want to. i say what he does. We fit so perfectly. Like we are one. All of what I am saying does not matter. It does not matter how much i want him. Cause he no longer wants me. I see it when he looks at me. The love that once filled him is now gone. It is replaced with doubt and hate. He hates me now. i have made it this way. I have pushed him so far away from me that he could care less if he talks to me. He could care less about me at all. Where did his love go? Did he really love me? Why am i not able to move on? Why do i see him everywhere I go? I still smell him! His smell enticed me. I have never loved anothers smell. I have never been in love period. I will alwsy be in love with this man. He tried so hard to give me what he thought I wanted. I was always wanting more. I am selfish...yet i call that. He put himself in debt for me. Deep in debt. Just to see me smile. if I could I would lock myself in his room. Tied up..naked. To be at his beck and call. I would cook him his favorite meals everyday. I wouldn't go one hour without talking to him. He was my best friend. I miss my best friend! I miss him! All of him!
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Aug 17, 2014