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Trying To Find Myself

FOR YEARS NOW I HAVE BEEN CROSS DRESSING FIRST I WANT TO START OFF BY  TELLING ALL THAT READ THIS I KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THEIR IN THE SAME POSITION I'M IN
FIRST I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED REALLY DON'T CONSIDER ME A MALE  BUT MY WIFE LOVES EVERY THING ABOUT ME I HAVE HAD A REALLY SCREWED UP LIFE AS A CHILD AND AS AN ADULT BUT I HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION THAT THE MALE SIDE OF ME HAS BEEN DESTROYED I'M TYPING A FEW LINES TO SEE IF I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS THE SAME WAY AS I DO
I STILL PRESENT MYSELF AS A MALE AROUND FAMILY MEMBERS AND WORK BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THINGS THAT IS NOT WORKING OUT TO WELL FOR ME
MY WIFE IS VERY SUPPORTIVE ABOUT THE FE MME SIDE OF ME SHE HELPS ME IN EVERY WAY LETS ME DRESS AS OFTEN AS I CAN AND KNOWS ITS LIKE A MEDICINE FOR ME BUT ITS GETTING MUCH WORSE THAN THAT I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO TELL HER THAT I WANT TO START TRANSITIONING TO KAROLINE AND LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE AS HER
I DO HAVE A GENDER COUNSELOR BUT SHE IS SO FAR AWAY FROM ME ITS HARD TO GO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT I SEEM TO CANT FIND ROOM IN MY HEART TO TALK TO HER ABOUT
I KNOW IF I START TO TRANSITION PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LAUGH AT HER AND ESPECIALLY MYSELF SO HOW DOSE A PERSON THAT FEELS HAPPY AS SOMEONE ELSE HANDLE THIS
I THOUGHT I COULD GET RIDE OF THE PROBLEMS AS A MAN BACK IN 07 WHEN I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO CASTORATED  MYSELF THAT IS GOING TO THE EXTREME AS  FOR MYSELF AS A MAN I'M NOT HAPPY BUT AS A WOMEN I'M MUCH HAPPIER PLEASE HELP WITH OPTIONS THANKS          KAROLINE

cm17693 cm17693 41-45, T 2 Responses May 26, 2010

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Karoline, you have a very difficult problem to work through. It sounds as if you have given considerable shape to your life during all those years that you have been living as a man, at least, as far as family, friends, and the general public are concerned. No knowing how old you are, it is difficult to assess the cost of continuing to present yourself as male for the rest of your life. This may in fact be an impossibility for you. On the other hand, you need to realize that if you transition fully, you put at risk the entire life that you have lived up to this point. We may beleive that others should accept us for who we are, regardless of who we are. But the world is not a tidy place, and this way of looking at things is too challenging for most people. So you need to consider that if you transition fully you may be ostracized by your family, your wife may not be able to accept living with a female (living with a female would put her at risk of being considered a lesbian), you work place may not have room for a "man turned woman." etc. So the difficult problem that you need to work through is on which side of the equation do you find the greatest lost: not transitioning fully to living as a woman, or transitioniing and putting your whole life up to this point at risk. Only you can work through this. You have my best wishes as you do so.

Hi Karoline,

Your story is very heartfelt and at this point for you, very difficult to decide what exact path to take. I can tell you that if you truly feel the way you say, then continuing the path of your true female self is the only way to keep your sanity. Unfortunately there will be people who will no longer be there for you as friends; some whom you thought were close. But in the end your true friends will respect you more for being the person you really are. You are fortunate that your wife has been supportive up till now, I never had that luxury. Reminiscent of my story, I also had an orchiectomy 5 years ago, so at this point, make sure you are having blood tests and getting proper hormones or you may be tempting fate.

All the best, Davina