Family Life

I was born called richard back in the year of 83. I had a sister who sadly passed away when i was 2 years old who i have no memories of .
in that same year i did the spilts on the kitchen floor and got a hernia which my parents left me with for 18 years of my life until it turned bad and i nearly died. My school years where not happy ones. Filled with other kids picking on me because i was different.

none of that upsets me as much as it used to i can talk about this stuff now more openly.

throughout my past there where certain points where i had a chance to dress up as a girl and play with dolls but i was brought up to believe that ,that kind of  thing was wrong. I think the blunt first experiance i had with my parents taught me that
when i was in m&s with my parents they where buying my clothes and i saw some pretty winne the poo clothes i loved and i said mum i want these
and i was told "No you cant have those they are for girls you are not a girl" that made me feel sad.

i tried to dress up a few years later but i was to small to fit in to anything that i could find. it was not until i was 14 that i got to dress up and around that time i knew i was different and that i wanted to be a girl.

through out life i hated and had no interest at all in shopping for mens clothes i had nothing but angry ,upset and stressed feelings even ever i was taken clothes shopping as a kid.

by the time i was 18 i had more womans clothes and make up then i did man clothes. it was difficult to pluck up the courage to walk in to a womans clothing shop and browse and buy things. I was shy and embrassed to start with.

if you put me in a shop with womans clothes i am happy and interested and it just feels right like i have been doing it my whole life.

sadly when i did come out to my family my mum and dad had a lot of hurtful things to say and it caused a outbreak of eczema which spread all over my body and took two years to clear up.

I do get a lot of abuse from my mother still. My good mother and some of my friends are supportive my other friend and my cousin well they think that kind of thing is sick and wrong. time might change things who knows.

I feel like i can never go to my parents with things so i keep a lot of my life to myself hidden from them. To them they still think i am going to stay here and help them out and move to france with them and everything will be fine.

but in the new year when i am in the position to leave that i what i shall do. I do not think i will ever tell them that i plan to leave it will be something that just happens. if i dont it will be harder for me to leave because talking to them and telling them my plans will cause bad air.

my mum well she has not one good word to say about me. If i said i am leaving and never coming back. I am going to live as a woman. the hurtful comments will start which then turns to abuse. Then they try the guilt trips to try and make me stay.
they will use my pets as a excuse to make me stay saying how i can move when i have pets and what will happen to my pets.

two people in my life helped me realize what i need to do. One is my counsellor who says i need to protect myself from netative situations like this one at home. My psychosexual therapist who helped me realize that we are not here to please others. if you let what others think and say stop you then you would never lead your own life.

what keeps me strong and keeps me hanging on is knowing that some day i will live as a woman i will break free and break way from the bad situation i find myself in with my family for once i will be happy. I will be happy just being myself ,not having to act fake and not have to pretent to be who i am not.
until that time i have a set time each day i get to be myself but i guesstimate that in the next 6 - 8 months i sarah will be walking around living life being who i was ment to be.

my heart longs for that day and even though its not to far away it feels it. every night before i sleep i get to dress up and put on my make up the works and its hard when you wake up in the morning and you know that you want to keep on the womans clothes and make up and just be yourself.

I think the biggest statment i made was when i got both my ears done and started wearing womans earrings. My family gave me a hard time over that but to me i wanted my ears pierced and i wanted to express myself and to me it was a statment that i will be the woman i want to be.

next week i am looking forward to going out hitting the town and buying some things like some new perfume that i am excited  about trying. 
i will also apply for a license so i can learn to drive and i may get that feminine tattoo i always wanted. "either a butterfly or flowers or a fairy"
not decided yet.
sarahbethuk sarahbethuk
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 22, 2010

I think you are brave.