So I Am A Girl What??

I never liked titles or categories. I was taught from a very young age that everyone is different and everyone deserves a chance. Although I am proud that I am a transgendered girl, all I want to be is a girl. plain and simple. From as early as I can remember, I liked girls things, girls games and just being with the girls. seriously, I felt that I had more in common with girls than I did boys. Being the youngest in  family of four children (older brother and two older sisters), I was closer to my sisters and their friends than I was my brother. He was five years older than me. My sisters, on the other hand were only a yaer and two and a half years older than me. Some say that my close connection to them was the catalyst that led to my ""feminine desires". It may have been one of the factors, but in my heart, I was always feeling that I was a girl. In my mind, I knew I should have been a girl.

My brother was very athletic. He liked and excelled in every sport. Conversely, I had not interest in sports, except as a casual observer. But to play a sport, EEEW!!!!!, NO WAY!. I would rather read a book, see a play or learn to knit and sew. Which I did. My mother excelled in knitting and designing and I followed her lead. By nine, I was knitting sweaters and mittens that were flawless. Did that make me a girl?. Of course not. But, it did give me a sense of peace and accomplishment. Of course being "artsy" and a bit more domesticated than most of the boys (and some of the I took my share of the abuse that pre-adolescent and teenage boys tend to give to there lest than macho classmates. Did that make me a girl? Again, of course not. But still I struggled with who I was. Coming from a Catholic French Canadian family and educated in Catholic schools for over a decade, there was also the moral questions that would arise. Basically, God made you a boy and you are a boy. Nothing can change that because "God is perfect". But, we are imperfect, born with flaws, whether they are physical or emotion or both. It is our job to take what God has made and make it better. Okay, that is the last time that I sound ecclesiastic. I promise.

There were milestones that I remember to this day. My sisters made their First Communion, they both got this pretty and dainty white dresses with petticoats and veil. Me, I got to were a suit. A bland plain suit. I hated my sisters for weeks because they got the pretty dress. I would resent it, when my mother, would take them shopping and buy them dreses and skirts and panties and shoes. I would get pants and a shirt and oh yes, oxford shoes. How exciting!! Then my sisters reach that age when androgeny turns to young womanhood. They get bras, as their breasts develop. Then there was the onset of their periods. All the fuss. All the pampering. Most women will say I am crazy, but I resented them for having periods. I was left with androgeny.

Now, I had pretty much hung out with girls when I was younger and always felt a closer bond with them. But, as puberty came, so did their interest in boys. We were close, but not like before. But, another strange phenomenon was occurring. I found myself attracted to boys. Really attracted to boys. I had absolutely no interest in girls, aside from friendship. I told no one, fearing rejection and harassment. Previously, at the age of nine, I confided to my mother and sisters that "I really wish I was born a girl". Mother downplayed my statement, saying that it was just a "phase" I was going through. We all have heard that. Most of us know, it is not a phase at all. Rather, it is a sense of emotional and spiritual Renaissance that we are experiencing that opens our eyes to who we really are. But, call us naive or trusting, we accept the re-assurances of our parents and forge onward. But, it was a feeling that grew everyday and got stronger and stronger. Again, at athe age of twelve, I told my mother that "I want to be a girl". She sat me down and tried to rationalize what I was feeling. I remember saying..."Mom, you are wrong. I felt this way for a long time. It is not phase. Everyday, I want to be a girl more and more." Then I told her that I was attracted to boys. She started to cry and made me feel like I had destroyed her life. I assured her that I was just attracted and had not had sex with any boy. God knows I wanted to, but I didn'

My sisters had always been my confidentes and they had heard my cries. In a secret pact that only sisters can have, they began to help me understand better what I was experiencing in my heart and soul. Whenever, they had the chance, they taught memake up techniques and hair styling. It was they who suggested that I get a more unisex style and let it grow out. And yes, they even let me dress in their clothes. Giving me their old bras and actually buying panties for me, when mother thought it was for them. We laughed because the three of us were the same size in dresses and shoes. With my parents away, they would dress me up. The sense of relief and release I felt was extraordinary. I did already have rather feminine mannerisms and gait, so being dressed as a girl was just a fantastic feeling. We kept our little secret from my parents and my brother, who really could care less. he was more concerned about his sports and girls, I could have walked around in a gorilla suit and he would not notice. Hmmmm, is that jock mentality?

Then when I was fourteen, my father died in a horrible car accident. I loved my dad and he loved me, just as he loved all of his children. But, to me, his sudden death was a sign. Then about  two months after he died, I had a dream about him. In it, he told me that all he wanted for me was to be happy. He told me to do what I felt was best for me. Just to do it and be good at it and be happy with it. That I should take his love with me and know that he is proud of me for having the compulsion to follow my dreams and desires. I knew that that was the final message and now it was just up to me.

Just before my fifteenth birthday, I again told my mother that I was, not wanting to be a girl, but that I was going to be a girl. It was not a phase, it was my life and I needed to live it as happily as I can. I told her of the dream. All she said was, "Honey you were born a boy." All I said was, "So I am a girl now, so what? I am still your child and need your love. She cried. I cried. My sisters cried. My brother was away at college and would have to be told. Mother called our pediatrician and the three of us had a long chat on my desires. The pediatrician gave us an endocronoligist and a gender dysfunction (love that title) therapist. So began weeks of probing and and poking. Blood levels, profiles, therapy (individual, group and family). But, I was on my way. At home, I began to express myself more openly and made subtle, but meaningful changes. Some cosmetic, like plucking my eyebrows to a more feminine shape, shaving my legs and underarms and manicuring my nails before coating them in clear polish. Mother allowed me to dress more feminine. Panties replaced tidy whities. Pantyhose replaced socks. Feminine cut jeans replace boy's jeans. And I even was allowed to wear dresses and skirts, blouses and sweaters. Nothing would really be presented in public until the doctors gave their final analysist and we told my brother.

He graduated from college that May. He immediately went to a rookie league in baseball. My mother took us all to Florida to visit him and watch him play baseball. Two days before our Florida trip, we had a family session. My therapist, knowing we were leaving for ten days, reviewed the test results with us, as I requested. What I found out was that I had a lower than average testosterone level and an average estrogen level for someone my age and build. My heart was pounding with excitement to hear that. Long story short, I was a prime candidate for gender reassignment. I broke down and cried. Mother cried as she hugged me, telling me she loved me. my sisters cried. We emptied a box of tissue before we left. When we got to Florida, we had a suite of rooms. My brother came up to the motel and my mother had him sit. She said that she had something to tell him. His face paled and you could see the concern on his face. Then, she said, "Robert is going to become a girl". He almost looked relieved. He looked at me, shook his head and said, "A girl! I am shocked'. His words dripping with his usual sarcasim. Then he added, "Tell me something, I did not already know." Without thinking, I blurted out, "Pretty deep thinking for a dumb jock". We all laughed and he came over and shook my hand before givin g me a hug.

We were and always will be a close family. I was blessed and so grateful to have them share all this with me. There is more to tell. Hormone therapy and the return to high school. But that story will come in the near future. For now all I can say is.....So I am a GIRL now.... So what? I am still the caring, loving and compassionate person I always was. Now with my family beside me, I move ahead. 

Mules93 Mules93
18-21, T
27 Responses Feb 3, 2011

A wonderful and compelling story! Thank you so much. Might add congratulations to your family for being so wonderful as well.

Didn't I see you and your family reenact this story on You Tube?

nice experience, thanks for sharing :)

I date a transgender I was in love with her tell she move.

You're not just a girl, but a sexy girl! Yowza!

Congratulations, I've been struggling with my own feelings about myself for years and at my age I've resigned myself to being a man until I'm dead and gone and if there's a heaven (yes I'm a Christian and believe there to be) I'll be the person my soul feels right to be - female. x

Your story brought tears. Thanks. So glad your family loves you. I'm twice your age and days away from telling my kids in a vague way that I'm transitioning. I'm a Catholic Christian and have Jesus, Mary, and the whole church as a family no matter what happens when I open up. God's peace to you.

Youg Lady yo9u have much to moffer this world-- I klnow you will do very well. Yioiour inner poeadce will be a beacon that drects others in life. You are one of God's miracles.

Mules, everytime I read your stories, they get me crying, I pray that you are finaly feeling complete, I love your mom more, allowing you to be whom you had to be. I don't know where I am going from here, I mentioned that I was military disabled, now I I retirement disabled, because, with limited use of my arms, I can't work anymore, now they have given me social security disability, but, my girl side cries as loud as ever, I did not realize how closely I was tied to my mom, until I held her hand and kissed her goodby, placed the flowers on her casket and cried. I wanted to be like my mom in so many ways, from trying on her panties and nylons and shoes to zipping up her dress and helping her wash and set her hair, the night after her funeral I slept in her bed, cried myself to sleep, wearing one of her long slips, something changed at that moment, that slip felt so right, and I could almost feel her with me, at that moment I started to understand why I hated getting, scratchy, uncomfortable clothes so much, they were never for me. I believe even more now that, I was more of a girl to mom when I was very young, than she had ever admitted to me, I spent three weeks with my aunt, mom's only living sister, trying to finally get some real answers from her, she avoided my questions, even when I asked her, about what she knew about the kindergarden incident, or how much dressing up fun I had, either when we were sewing together, or when we were at my cousin's homes, playing in their closets . <br />
You are in my circle, but, I would also like to be your friend. I apologize for going on, but, I feel in many ways we have a shared heart. I am so happy for you, and the incredibly, beautiful woman you have become, love<br />

Mules, I have shared more with you than I have ever been brave enough to share with anyone, reading your story through again, makes me want to cry, wishing I could have been as brave and trusting of the love of your mom than I was, I would really like to talk to you more and, you are already in my circle, but, I would like to be your friend. I have waited my entire life, wanting to to share my true self with my mom, but, now it is too late, my mom died on December 6th, and I just buried her. I did come straight with my aunt, her sister, but, I think she just wants to ignore the whom situation. I waited too long, and now I fall asleep each night crying to her, and asking her forgiveness. Elizabethjane

Mules, I have shared more with you than I have ever been brave enough to share with anyone, reading your story through again, makes me want to cry, wishing I could have been as brave and trusting of the love of your mom than I was, I would really like to talk to you more and, you are already in my circle, but, I would like to be your friend. I have waited my entire life, wanting to to share my true self with my mom, but, now it is too late, my mom died on December 6th, and I just buried her. I did come straight with my aunt, her sister, but, I think she just wants to ignore the whom situation. I waited too long, and now I fall asleep each night crying to her, and asking her forgiveness. Elizabethjane

I am very happy for you and glad that things are progressing well. The support of your family is so important to keeping your moral up having the ability to dress the way that makes you feel like the girl you are and on your way to being even more so. I am sending you my best wishes and would honstly like to hear from you and learn more about how everything is going for you. Take Care.

Mules, I loved reading your story and felt that I could relate to a lot of it. Congratulations on your family's acceptance. My father just recently accepted my tgism and has said he wished he knew and understood more about it years ago and accepted it then.<br />
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Look at the ages of the people who have replied here. Most are much older than you. I'm guessing that many of them went through some difficult times and it took years to get where they are today. You have a jumpstart on that! Consider yourself fortunate.<br />
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I have a sibling that just recently went through gender reassignment after having lived in the wrong body for over 40 years. I hope you find peace way before then! :)

As everyone has alreay said, you have an amazing family, and are lucky to have them by your side.

Hey U You are so Lucky. I Love your story. Specially When Your Mother and sisters started supporting you to dress in home. Wow Heyy Girl .. :) my best wishes for you .

your famliy helped you throught

You are so lucky to have such a supportive family...also that our gender choice are becoming more common place and acceptable now.<br />
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Keep us up to date...Angie...xoxo

Mules: this is a wonderful story that has brought out the love and the joy and the pain of others. If this was a front page EP story you would have hundreds mopping their eyes and wishing it could have been them. Like Emil, so many of us feel we discovered things about ourselves that could after all be possible, but rather too late in life. Not that they have been bad lives, just an ache for all the lost potential perhaps.<br />
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I admire your confidence, your intelligence and ability to express yourself.<br />
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I wish you all the joy that life as a girl can bring, and strength for any times ahead when it gets difficult. I hope you always have friends close to you as well as family, who deeply love you as you have become. Be beautiful; be lovely; max this life out and always be happy.<br />
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I loved reading your story, but, it became more and more difficult, because you finally openned yourself up, took a chance, received the acceptance you were searching for your entire life. I cried, because, you were far braver than I was, I never was brave enough to confide my true feelings in those I loved most. There has been a little girl, crying to get out my whole life, I new it from the day I was born, through infantile polio, through secret dress up sessions with my moms square-dance dresses, panties and petticoats. I spent my entire childhood crying everytime I saw a little girl skipping rope, swinging, shopping with her mom or receiving special gifts at Christmases and holidays. Easter and church was the worst, because I saw them everywhere. Little girls were gods magical creations that he made to bring love into the world. I thought girls had to live in special girl houses, their dads drove them in special girl cars and everything about them was out of reach. Mom would take me with her everytime she would have her hair done, go to buy dresses and she would always ask my opinion of what she was about to buy. I would always disappear into the little girls clothes racks, wrapping myself in the soft comfortable fabrics or hiding down inside them. I memorized every detail of what my mom wore when she let me sit to watch her dress and put on her makeup, and I was forever studing every favors of what my girl cousins dressed in, and would sneek an underpeak whenever I could. When everyone else was asleep I would quietly sneek into a small closet, upstairs where my brother and I slept and take out a hidden crinolines petticoat that must have been left behind, because it was my size and sit there in a chair and cry. Mom must have wanted a girl, because she told me many times that I was supposed to have been elizabethjane. I believe in many ways she was raising me as her daughter, because even though she rarely ever dressed me up, between her and my grandmother, they taught me how to sew with her sewing machine knit, crochet, needle-point, darn socks, sew on a button, hem up her skirts, sometimes I would be her dress model, wash, iron, and fold and put away her daintiest. I hated clothes, because I never got what I always wanted, a dress and petticoat of my own. My cousins would receive the most beautiful underwear, slips and dresses for birthdays and Christmases and I would just cry. I was always so frustrated, like you receiving suits and shirts as gifts. My happiest day that I can recall, at least, part of it, combat has taken most of my memory, but, when I was five years old, I believe it was a weekend, in the morning mom was sewing the most beautiful little lace pinafore dresses for daughters of one of my cousins, and she had me take my clothes off, stand on a chair as she dressed me in these confections, it was magical, because she kept on telling to stand still, as she slowly hemmed two dresses. I don't remember how long I was allowed to where the dresses, but, the first time in my life something was my size. I am sure there may havebeen other dress-up sessions, because like you I was far more comfortable around girls, they didn't want to wrestle hit and fight all the time. I loved my dad so much that I lived my life as dads tough rugged little boy, never wanting to bring embarrassment to him or my family. Now some 63 years later, I am finally starting to accept, part of who god made me. I can tell you more, but, I never told my dad, my mom doesn't understand very much, so I have trouble trying to communicate with her. I waited to long to be honest, I finally told my aunt what I have told you, but, haven't received a responce back yet. My wife and i don't communicate anymore, mainly because she was left alone through so many combat tours, not knowing if I was alive or dead, my deep depression and combat diabilities have not improved the situation. I have brought back a lot of fears, and isolate quite a bit. I wish things could change, but, the hate for me and every member of my family has made things difficult. I have multiple psychiatrists and psychologists trying to help, so I don't know where this is going. I thank you so much for opennings yourself up and sharing, email me when you can, your friend, elizabethjane

yes you are so very lucky to ahve ahd sisters who understood what who and how you realy are and that you ahd always wished and wanted to be a girl instead of grwoing up and boy male i myself nevr ahd this any sistres to confide in but none the less i to have alwasy known there was something wrong and that i wanted to be a girl the girl in my family any family would ahve done nicely but jsut maybe one with other girls in it would ahve been much better then at the very least i would ahve had some others who knew that i to was realay a girl in a male body and so could ahve helped me get to where i should have been all along i still feel that i am a girl as i contiue to age in this male body and would give anything to go back and relive this life al over againg but as the girl i should have been for i to loved dresses skirts slis panties and wanted to be wearing them all of the time more later i am with you in your continuing quest ot be a girl so mnay of us who are male want this to be freeed and to be the girls we always should ahve been from birth i would love to be a girl even now something about being all gilry and feminine is so very appealing being cute and pretty instesd of macho and masculine i mean like yuck what ahs that ever really been about i would much rahter be in a cute dress slip panties and doing girl stuff then all of the boys play i ever ahd to do being cute and pretty yes oh yes how i do stil so long for this and always have i am stil and alwasy will be a girl in this aging male body!

@ Becnme ~ you took the words right out of my mouth ... "You're lucky growing up now when these things are better understood and accepted. Unfortunately, I grew up in an era when ignorance and fear stopped us becoming what we really were inside until years later." <br />
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@ Becnme ~ you took the words right out of my mouth ... "You're lucky growing up now when these things are better understood and accepted. Unfortunately, I grew up in an era when ignorance and fear stopped us becoming what we really were inside until years later." <br />
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You're lucky growing up now when these things are better understood and accepted. Unfortunately, I grew up in an era when ignorance and fear stopped us becoming what we really were inside until years later.

What a beautiful story of a person simply becoming who they are.. Of course it's never that "simple" -but isn't it? The peace, love and support that you are nurtured with is an absolute blessing that helps you be the secure self aware young lady that you are today. But if I may as I see it, everyone(if they're so blessed) has at least one great challenge to overcome.. this journey may or may not be yours, but whatever the case, so you ARE a girl now, and so what..? was there ever a time when you weren't? Continues peace and happiness, and best wishes always...C

I always wanted to be a girl too. My mother and my sister both knew it without my saying so, and would have loved it, but felt too guilty to encourage me. <br />
I remember feeling so gyped, too, at my First Communion with all the girls in their frou-frou white dresses and petticoats and me stuck in an ugly gray suit that I just knew wasn't really me.<br />
I'm also French Catholic, but Creole from New Orleans. I think French women tend to embrace their femininity more than anyone else. I know I was always very much aware of that growing up. I used to have to live it, and feel it, vicariously through my sister.<br />
Yes, you are right God made us exactly who we are. So ... God us made us girls too! <br />
I'm just thankful and lucky to be me.

So keep us posted about your progress and success. I know you have many sisters out here who share in your story. I wish you the best and look forward to visiting with you later.