So I Am A Girl Now....so What??I never liked titles or categories. I was taught from a very young age that everyone is different and everyone deserves a chance. Although I am proud that I am a transgendered girl, all I want to be is a girl. plain and simple. From as early as I can remember, I liked girls things, girls games and just being with the girls. seriously, I felt that I had more in common with girls than I did boys. Being the youngest in family of four children (older brother and two older sisters), I was closer to my sisters and their friends than I was my brother. He was five years older than me. My sisters, on the other hand were only a yaer and two and a half years older than me. Some say that my close connection to them was the catalyst that led to my ""feminine desires". It may have been one of the factors, but in my heart, I was always feeling that I was a girl. In my mind, I knew I should have been a girl.
My brother was very athletic. He liked and excelled in every sport. Conversely, I had not interest in sports, except as a casual observer. But to play a sport, EEEW!!!!!, NO WAY!. I would rather read a book, see a play or learn to knit and sew. Which I did. My mother excelled in knitting and designing and I followed her lead. By nine, I was knitting sweaters and mittens that were flawless. Did that make me a girl?. Of course not. But, it did give me a sense of peace and accomplishment. Of course being "artsy" and a bit more domesticated than most of the boys (and some of the girls....lol) I took my share of the abuse that pre-adolescent and teenage boys tend to give to there lest than macho classmates. Did that make me a girl? Again, of course not. But still I struggled with who I was. Coming from a Catholic French Canadian family and educated in Catholic schools for over a decade, there was also the moral questions that would arise. Basically, God made you a boy and you are a boy. Nothing can change that because "God is perfect". But, we are imperfect, born with flaws, whether they are physical or emotion or both. It is our job to take what God has made and make it better. Okay, that is the last time that I sound ecclesiastic. I promise.
There were milestones that I remember to this day. My sisters made their First Communion, they both got this pretty and dainty white dresses with petticoats and veil. Me, I got to were a suit. A bland plain suit. I hated my sisters for weeks because they got the pretty dress. I would resent it, when my mother, would take them shopping and buy them dreses and skirts and panties and shoes. I would get pants and a shirt and oh yes, oxford shoes. How exciting!! Then my sisters reach that age when androgeny turns to young womanhood. They get bras, as their breasts develop. Then there was the onset of their periods. All the fuss. All the pampering. Most women will say I am crazy, but I resented them for having periods. I was left with androgeny.
Now, I had pretty much hung out with girls when I was younger and always felt a closer bond with them. But, as puberty came, so did their interest in boys. We were close, but not like before. But, another strange phenomenon was occurring. I found myself attracted to boys. Really attracted to boys. I had absolutely no interest in girls, aside from friendship. I told no one, fearing rejection and harassment. Previously, at the age of nine, I confided to my mother and sisters that "I really wish I was born a girl". Mother downplayed my statement, saying that it was just a "phase" I was going through. We all have heard that. Most of us know, it is not a phase at all. Rather, it is a sense of emotional and spiritual Renaissance that we are experiencing that opens our eyes to who we really are. But, call us naive or trusting, we accept the re-assurances of our parents and forge onward. But, it was a feeling that grew everyday and got stronger and stronger. Again, at athe age of twelve, I told my mother that "I want to be a girl". She sat me down and tried to rationalize what I was feeling. I remember saying..."Mom, you are wrong. I felt this way for a long time. It is not phase. Everyday, I want to be a girl more and more." Then I told her that I was attracted to boys. She started to cry and made me feel like I had destroyed her life. I assured her that I was just attracted and had not had sex with any boy. God knows I wanted to, but I didn't....lol.
My sisters had always been my confidentes and they had heard my cries. In a secret pact that only sisters can have, they began to help me understand better what I was experiencing in my heart and soul. Whenever, they had the chance, they taught memake up techniques and hair styling. It was they who suggested that I get a more unisex style and let it grow out. And yes, they even let me dress in their clothes. Giving me their old bras and actually buying panties for me, when mother thought it was for them. We laughed because the three of us were the same size in dresses and shoes. With my parents away, they would dress me up. The sense of relief and release I felt was extraordinary. I did already have rather feminine mannerisms and gait, so being dressed as a girl was just a fantastic feeling. We kept our little secret from my parents and my brother, who really could care less. he was more concerned about his sports and girls, I could have walked around in a gorilla suit and he would not notice. Hmmmm, is that jock mentality?
Then when I was fourteen, my father died in a horrible car accident. I loved my dad and he loved me, just as he loved all of his children. But, to me, his sudden death was a sign. Then about two months after he died, I had a dream about him. In it, he told me that all he wanted for me was to be happy. He told me to do what I felt was best for me. Just to do it and be good at it and be happy with it. That I should take his love with me and know that he is proud of me for having the compulsion to follow my dreams and desires. I knew that that was the final message and now it was just up to me.
Just before my fifteenth birthday, I again told my mother that I was, not wanting to be a girl, but that I was going to be a girl. It was not a phase, it was my life and I needed to live it as happily as I can. I told her of the dream. All she said was, "Honey you were born a boy." All I said was, "So I am a girl now, so what? I am still your child and need your love. She cried. I cried. My sisters cried. My brother was away at college and would have to be told. Mother called our pediatrician and the three of us had a long chat on my desires. The pediatrician gave us an endocronoligist and a gender dysfunction (love that title) therapist. So began weeks of probing and and poking. Blood levels, profiles, therapy (individual, group and family). But, I was on my way. At home, I began to express myself more openly and made subtle, but meaningful changes. Some cosmetic, like plucking my eyebrows to a more feminine shape, shaving my legs and underarms and manicuring my nails before coating them in clear polish. Mother allowed me to dress more feminine. Panties replaced tidy whities. Pantyhose replaced socks. Feminine cut jeans replace boy's jeans. And I even was allowed to wear dresses and skirts, blouses and sweaters. Nothing would really be presented in public until the doctors gave their final analysist and we told my brother.
He graduated from college that May. He immediately went to a rookie league in ba
We were and always will be a close family. I was blessed and so grateful to have them share all this with me. There is more to tell. Hormone therapy and the return to high school. But that story will come in the near future. For now all I can say is.....So I am a GIRL now.... So what? I am still the caring, loving and compassionate person I always was. Now with my family beside me, I move ahead.