Conflict

I've been trying to get my head around everything for a few days now... last weekend I went to the city as a male and for the whole day everyone I ran into, everyone I talked to referred to me as a male and it was great, I wasn’t even trying, I was just.... being me I guess. I don’t know I just, I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t like this, I mean in saying that the day was perfect, I was a guy but all that did was shove it in my face how I wont feel that way for three months, probably more.

Sometimes I wish I never said anything, that I just kept quiet about the whole thing then I could go on pretending for a while longer that I was just like all the other girls. I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that its going to be five years minimum before I can even start the transition, its going to take me 2 years until I can get my licence to even be able to drive back and forward for treatment and check-ups then I need money, a decent job and just so much other things. I know this and I'm not here to complain about that (even though I kind of did) my point is I know its going to be years and ill be honest here no I haven’t accepted that. I even tried finding another way, borrowing money, asking my dad even (I haven’t asked him for anything EVER) just doing whatever it takes to get the money.

That isn’t exactly the right way to go about this... my pride alone wouldn’t let me. I thought about just making my chest as small as possible (reduction) after all my voice is and always has been abnormally low compared to other girls but turns out that is just as expensive. I just wanted to be able to do something but I can't do anything and that is so frustrating! I want to tell people, no its not that I just want the chance to be me I don’t care about what people think, I never did. my mum was the one always telling me not to ‘be male’ around town for either my own good or for hers, no idea and I know the choice is up to me but she makes me feel like I can't tell anyone, not even my sisters until I have started treatment.

I wish I could tell my sisters, I wish I could just act as a male every day but for some reason I feel like I can't, I know I haven’t started treatment yet but that doesn’t mean I can't tell people right?
You know what I don’t even know what I'm saying, my head is just all jumbled and I can't get my thoughts straight... I want to give up, I want to just go back and live a lie.... I thought I was strong enough to lead this life but maybe I'm not, maybe I'm just another quitter....
Rozen258 Rozen258
18-21, T
May 10, 2012