A Little Piece Of Me Dies Each Day

Each day I shave my face a little piece of me dies each day. I feel a pain in my soul. When I am getting dressed in the morning and I put on men's cotton bikini briefs instead of cute purple boy shorts, a piece of me dies. My soul starts to wilt when I spray on Dolce & Gabbana blue, instead of Marc Jacobs Daisy. When I look across the closet and see my wife's leggings and short purple dress, while I have to wear slacks and a Polo I die just a little. I slowly fade when my 16 year old bravely comes out of his closet and says he is gay, but I cowardly have hidden in my closet for over 30 years. I am forced to cry on the inside when me and my wife watch Steel Magnolias because my girl self gets emotional at the thought losing a child. I die just a little when I look in the mirror and see Brenda Karen looking back at me begging to be set free from the male prison she is trapped in. A piece of me dies when someone makes a sexual fetish comment when I post something about transgender on another site. My soul aches when I hear that key enter the lock in the door and I worry that I didn't put all of her Clothing in the place or remove all of the makeup off of my face. My heart aches when I hear the cry of my infant niece and I can't nurture her like the woman I am inside. My soul aches as I walk.past the Mac cosmetic section in the mall seeing the women makeup artist knowing I could do it but walking on to sell cell phones. I am afraid that as my heart and soul dies I wont have anything left. I am afraid that my life on this rock hurtling through space will end in the same male suit I started with. I can't let Brenda live like this. I have to free her. Sorry to be such a downer tonight ladies, I feel like whit. I am going to sleep now, hopefully everything will be sunshine and daffodils when I wake. Goodnight ladies.
brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
10 Responses Jun 15, 2012

It was hard for me not so long ago to ever imagine being content and happy with myself, I have been told in my past, during my former life that I was a good at pretending to be happy, but those acting days are now gone. I too felt that I was dyeing inside with each denial of true self, but what I discovered is that I wasn't instead it was making me stronger and braver in an attempt to really be me.<br />
So you see each time you feel this way, you are in reality learning humility and patiences, two virtues of womanhood.<br />
I know it is difficult to comprehend, but these are life lessons that some of us are required to learn before we can continue on our journey. So when we learn to persevere and overcome what our journey yet has in store for us, we learn that we are able to withstand anything that come our way.

I get you my dear, I know it all. I understand, I'm in the same boat. It keeps sailing but to what port, I don't know.

Thanks to all of my sisters. Your outpouring of support has been wonderful. I have been on an emotional roller coaster today excitement, anger, frustration, happiness. You name It. I sent an email to my local pflag. The person I contacted said they would forward my information to their local transgender expert and they would get back with me soon with a list of resources. Thanks online family for letting me vent and encouraging me. Our struggles bring us together. Love you all<br />
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You are where so many of us are, or have been. Life's ultimatum seems to be to reject ourselves or be rejected by people we love. There is no knowing how far a wife can go, and from my stories on EP you will see a lot of hope, a lot of progress, many shared joys. But in the end I am called to be a woman, and I simply cannot go on presenting as a man any more. That was in the end too much, and we will have to learn to gently let each other go. But when you are killing a bit of yourself every day, you are actually damaging yourself. How do you want to feel in your last minutes? That you sacrificed the only identity you were given for the sake of others? Or that you presented yourself authentically and allowed others to make their choices? I showed all care, all kindness, all love, all along the way. I lived a dual life for a while, but I am what I am, and since losing my male front I know a far deeper peace with myself than I had expected.<br />
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I write it out. This was me a year ago: <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Crossdresser-And-This-Is-My-Life/1611885" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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But my blog continues where my stories rather left off on EP (www.andiesplace.co.uk), and it is a journey of understanding that what we have been given is for us to express, not deny. It is a place of great grief and tremendous joy. But find your path and follow it. There is help, there is new friendship and love, and people who really know how you feel and where you need to go.<br />
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my best wishes<br />

Yes this is why I value Andie as a very good friend.

Not knowing where you hail from there are several inet sites that can give assistance, I am in the Boston area (actually it is 30 minutes drive away) there is a huge support resource set up. <br />
<br />
http://tcne.org/ a place to seek out help regardless of where you live in the US. <br />
My gender therapist Dianne O is listed there as is her mentor Dianne Elleborne, in my opinion two of the most qualified gender therapist there can be. Dianne O. also does phone sessions for those who live further away and/or there are no resources close by. Give her a call, she is wonderful open, and a good heart. Tell her Ali sent you, we have become very good friends and I see her as a friend till the end in my life now.<br />
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Brenda, I have faced these same things the past 7 months now. And have grown past them as my wife and family has as I slowily transition. I have found that this works for my situation. I have exposed the raw and un edited emotions in my stories (mostily in my featured) as I did today in a few posts I have made to others. It cleanses my soul to share the pain and the glory. I read of your pain and relive my own. I offer up my stories as signs of hope in a hopeless situation. There are books that help, listen to your son, get him to a therapist and activly help him get on blockers at least until the time when you can all come together as parents and unconditionally love him as he is. And honor him by helping him thru this time. Your needs will come out as you involve yourself in helping him. It will bring LGBT issues to your dinner table every night. I know, some times my wife becomes weary at Alasandra and I recede into Dave for a day to give her time to adjust. Resuming the next day on my path. This week I am wearing an ankle bracelet, the first time my wife saw it she ripped it off and flung it across the room. Yet I wear one now and I let her pick which one I wear. I involve her in the choices of other items I wear daily as well so she is not outside looking into my glass house. Letting her know her choices make a difference and that I am not just driving on without care and concern for her and the family, it has made a huge difference and a big step towards understanding and acceptance.<br />
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I am going to see if I can locate a support group. I had a wonderful therapist, but I moved to a smaller city that doesn't have a large GLBT friendly community. There is a large university; so I know the resources are there, it's just a matter of locating them. I do incorporate women's articles into my wardrobe, but it is limited. Gender bending could be a good way to gradually come out to my wife. I know she will ask the transgender question when I bring up cross dressing. At that point I would tell the truth. I don't know what to do yet. Thanks for listening to me.

Would your wife not accept you even gender-bending? <br />
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I ask this though, as an androgyne who looks at gender roles as social artefacts.<br />
I find them a bit bizarre and painful.<br />
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I wish you more happiness, at any rate.

My heart aches when I see another soul hurting inside like this. Only you can break free from the male suit slowly strangling you. Go and see a gender therapist and find a local support group. We only have one life and have a right to be happy.There are costs no matter your choice, but slowly dying like this is a sure way to an early grave.

That's **** not whit damned auto correct