My Fear Of Being OutedI do have a fear of being outed. I am very careful. I know its my fault. I should just come out. I will get there. This is the year, but on my terms. The shame is me feeling comfortable sharing with people all over the world, but not my family. I am afraid, but that fear is not unfounded.
Several years ago I was a paratrooper in the army. I guess I was searching trying to make the beast go away. I finally couldn't take the alpha male dominated culture. I made an appointment with a therapist. The army is not known for their mental health care. I saw a major that was a licensed therapist. I told him about my gender issues. As it turns out the therapist was also a Baptist minister. I was told that I was sinning by having these thoughts and I was an abomination. As if things weren't bad enough, word got back to my first sergeant. I was threatened by the first sergeant, and he said if things didn't shape up my secret would be public knowledge in my company. I went AWOL and took a razor blade to my wrists.
Before I slit my wrists I took my wife back to Texas so she could be with her family. After I slit my wrists, I turned myself in at a hospital. My psychiatrist at the hospital just happened to be an airforce LT. Colonel in the reserves. She brokered a deal that would see me treated at an airforce hospital on the Texas Oklahoma border before being returned to my home post to out process. Also part of the deal was I wouldn't request charges to be filed on the first sergeant, and he wouldn't allow charges to be filed on me. I would also retain my veterans benefits and receive an honorable discharge.
While I was in the hospital my mom, who taught at a small college 60 miles away would come see me. When she first saw me she was shocked by my appearence. Being raised by a women I knew all of the finer points of skin care. I had just forgotten them. My mom brought me a gift basket with a pumice stone, lotion, moisture gloves, and a full set of women's Estee Lauder skin care products. I had to get the army off of me. Looking back, I guess mom probably knew, but never said anything. She did say that she knew the army was not a good place for a person like me. Mom was my cheerleader. My biggest fan. If she were still alive I know she would accept Brenda Karen.
So I spent several years calling Brenda a beast. Trying to kill her. Finally accepting her. Loving her. Then knowing she is who I am supposed to be. So, that's why I keep the closet open. Every time I get ready to let her completely out I feel threatened by a dominant alpha male that's not really there. My heart shudders. I feel powerless. I feel cold steel blades slicing through my delicate skin. Thanks for listening