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Sel-fish Vs Self-preservation.

Name me one person in the transgender, transsexual or crossdressing community who hasn't faced the terrible prospect of telling others. As they say in the "old country" that "ain't happenin".
Recently I had a chat with person who was just starting to come out of the closet in her mid 30's. She said she seemed to be following the same path I have been on.
After I apologized, kids came into the discussion. As in many instances she attributed two broken relationships to her transgender leanings and now was worried about her teenaged daughter.
Very shortly the "S" conversation came up. When is it not selfish to be put yourself in self preservation mode for the sake of yourself and your off spring.
Of course it's a highly personal question and one only each of us can answer.
As many of us have discovered, we can only be cornered so many ways by an affliction which is not going away. Something has to be done. It's not being selfish-it's reality.
As a pure observer I believe kids today are much better equipped to deal with a transgender or transsexual parent. The older people around them are the problem.
So if there is a path to success in this situation, it's having the proper amount of material or discussion to present yourself in a true manner.
One of the tougher problems is to present your transgender status as a real part of you while not being a victim. What I mean is don't act like this has been a huge struggle your whole life. (Even though it has.) BUT it has been and will be a part of you hidden from the world.
You need to try to open a dialogue in which the child needs to know both of you will be better off under the new gender situation. A huge motivator at this point in time is trust. You are trusting your offspring with the issue.
Finally, while it's good to never push too hard, it's never good not to try some gentle followups.
The child needs to know this is not something that is just going away.
Good Luck!!!
cyrsti cyrsti 61-65, T 2 Responses Jun 24, 2012

Your Response


I'm not sure my previous comment is very helpful. I think it probably depends a lot on how good your relationship is with your children, and how much they care about you and your happiness. My stepson is ming-bogglingly self-centred and has been bullying his mother for years. He has reason to resent me as I was the first person to stand up to him and his bullying - I was bullied for years through my childhood and on into adulthood, and I won't stand for it in others. So he's not the best person to hold up as an example of the ability of youth to cope with these issues, except to point out that if someone like him can accept sexual difference in those he does care about (i.e. his friends), there's possibly a lot more hope for others who have more empathy with their elders.

I agree that it's the older generations who have more of a problem. My parents and especially my sisters took a "Lalala I'm not listening" sort of approach when I tried to open a dialogue 25 years ago, and 5 years ago my sisters still had the same attitude. I think the younger generations have grown up with transsexualism more out in the open. But it must be hard to 'come out' to your own children, and very frightening, the fear that they'll reject you. We tend to be afraid that the next generation will be tainted with the same biases and attitudes our own and previous generations have carried, but that's very often not the case. My wife's son can be very bigotted and opinionated, and sometimes downright ignorant, over many things, but then he thinks nothing about his gay and bi friends, he simply accepts them for who they are. Having said that, I am extremely reluctant to let him know I cross-dress, let alone that I am transsexual, since after my wife told him I'm bi he told her he thought I 'take it up the arse'. Hmm... it's a minefield!

Yes, minefield is a great term. One never knows which way the wind is blowing except there is much more info today for the public.
On the bright side, your step son just could me a blow hard :)