The Girl Looking Back

My bride says that I am too vain. Every time I pass by a mirror I linger. Its something I have always done. She started looking back when I was about eight. Long blond hair. No curls. Bangs cut straight in what my wife calls kindergarten bangs-like they were cut by a little kid. I know she isn't really there, but I can't help seeing her. Her blue eyes the same as mine. Most times she is happier than me. She is everything that I am not. Vivacious and outgoing, whereas I am subdued. She tends to change as I do physically. She disappeared while I was in the army, mostly. She came back when I least expected. I could have sworn I saw mascara running with her tears while I vertically sliced my wrists repeatedly. She looked back at me daily while I waited to out process smiling each day. I got more familiar with her for two months while I had a room all to myself in guest housing. No formations, just doctors appointments and out processing. We went to the mall together and picked out all kinds of clothing. Beautiful heels, wonderful skirts. A blond wig. Items that I left behind when I left the army behind. I didn't name her until 3 years ago. My therapist said as part of my acceptance I had to name her. Brenda was a name given to me when I would play house with my cousin. She always wanted to play the husband so naturally I was the wife. She came out as a lesbian a couple of years ago. So Brenda looks back now. She has her black eye liner slightly angled on the outside corner of her eye lid. Her eyes the natural gray blue color they are. Her hair cut in a reverse Bob her bangs slightly covering her right eye. Her eye shadow pink fading to beige. Her mascara just coloring her naturally long eye lashes black. The lips a soft shimmering pink. I used to just see her looking back through the mirror, but now she is starting to be more prevelant. I see her in my dreams now, or I should say I see out of her eyes in my dreams now. I see me. I see myself. I see Brenda Karen. I am at a bar. I am wearing a sleeveless 1960's style Christian Dior dress. A black and purple houndstooth pattern. Off black thigh high house white lace tops sometimes visible below the hem of the dress. Black mid calf mid heel boots. A long slim black elegant cigarette holder with a long thin feminine cigarette in it being held by a hand covered in satin black elbow length gloves, and I don't even smoke. That is the dress I must find. If I don't find it I have to make it. That's the one I have to have when I start to transition. Is this weird? Does anyone else do this? Ladies, let me know. What do you see in the mirror? What do you look like in your dreams?
brendakaitlin brendakaitlin
36-40, T
Sep 9, 2012