Being Crazy Has Been So Much Fun!

Well, I figure it's best I try to make this short but I know it's not going to be.  Since this system seems to be devoted to telling stories I have one heck of a weird one.

Most trans-persons usually have oddities to tell though so mine should fit in nicely. 

I'm now twenty two years old, living with one of my lovers in a gorgeous apartment in central Madison, Wisconsin.  It wasn't always so though.

I was raised the child of two entrepreneurs who, by all rights, should never have raised kids, much less with one another.  My father's name was Brad.  My mother's name was Janet.  Brad and wonder I love Rocky Horror.

Two, healthy kids in their middle fourties.  To describe my father is to describe the eternal hunter of meaning.  Hunter S. Thompson would have called him a 'failed seeker'.  He was always looking for the next big fix to give him peace.  His life was long and very difficult.  The abuses his generation suffered are untold for the most part while those of mine are wonderfully documented on Web 2.0. 
His was a fiery temper and while I can recall him only striking me a handful of times he could be made angry at the drop of a hat with the wrong words at the wrong time.  His rage was quick to burn out though and he was always apologetic once it had been extinguished.

He was a master with a hammer.  That man knew wood like no other I've met.  He could feel the grain of a board and tell if it was going to split when he drove a nail through it.  He could see a tilt on a wall just by looking at it.  My earliest memories are of saw dust, the smell of wood, and sheet-rock.  He was likely also trans-gendered and admitted later in life to feelings of body inadequacy since he was very very young though he was painfully repressed.  He lives still, in a Buhdhist  monastery, walking and meditating.  He seems truly at peace for the first time in his life.

My mother was an entirely other animal.  Raised by a stunningly hard man she was a cunning manipulator of people.  While my father's family was composed of mostly poor white trash in various shades, hers was Southern aristocracy.  They enjoyed no bond or lasting interactions with one another.  She came to Jesus at the age of 50 and spent a year after that shoving him down my throat.  I served that plague-like religion for two years before curing myself through long reading and self education. 

We were never rich but we had enough, always.  They divorced when I was six.  It was then that I started to notice I was different from...everyone.  It wouldn't be until the age of 17 that I knew why.  Shuffling around to many schools, I was never a bad student particularly until I entered high school.  I dropped out eventually, determined to self educate without formalized nodes of learning. 

I got online and entered roleplay environments...particularly the one called Tapestries which is devoted to sexual role-play by furs.  In other words anthropomorphized animals.  I became a furry and went for it hardcore.  Furs are vastly accepting and a freak like me is the least of it for them.  I'd never cross dressed but I had always envied girls rather than starring at them like so many of the men and boys around me. 

When I met my sister...well, she's not my biological sister but she's family in ways my blood never was...when I met her she helped me put together all the thousand tiny pieces of my life that hadn't quite made sense up to that point.  It was a checklist of crazy events that all culminated in me needing a change.  The biggest change a person can make.  Bigger than their home, their car, their family, their friends.  It was the total change of self.  I haven't started my transition yet but I want to as soon as I can.  I'm a woman to my core. 
Chessie Chessie
22-25, F
10 Responses May 25, 2007

Amazing post.You really have a flair for writing. Best of luck in your descision.

I have no words... You are one hell of a writer. And you sound, how to put this, complete: courage, self acknowledgement, determination, and blistering confidence. You've got everything you need for a beautiful life's journey.<br />
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May you flourish in all you attempt, and may you forever be one hell of a woman.

Just take it a step at a time, you may be transgendered and you may not be. Good luck on the journey x

Congrats! I am neither gay, nor transgendered, definitely not homophobic.. none of it bothers me.. People will be who they are meant to be. Congrats on finding your sister and having the help to find your way! Feel good.. good luck sista!

i am with you all the way. in the same boat as you. just be yourself. you will feel amazing stress relief. maybe we can chat on yahoo or something. feel free to e-mail. looking for friends who are like us.

What a wonderful and courageous story and a battle that I also fought and can realate to. I am older and the people that prevented me from realizing my true self are gone and now all that is left is me to put the pieces together one at a time and learn how to heal and forgive. I also am going to transform but first am going to try growing boobs and other female aspects using herbs that let the body make estrogen and testosterone blocking agents. I've heard that synthetic hormones can kill or hurt a person and I am not that young to try somenthing that might mess me up. I've listened to feminizing tapes and they have made me undrstand myself for what I am and am proud of it. When I dress I look really pretty but it is what is inside that counts not the clothes. I'm just practicing when I get to the point of needing to wear them. I still am scared that as I inadvertently wiggle my but or walk with a female gait that someone is going to kick my butt but if it makes it bigger. I love hearing stories like yours and it gives me a bit more courage to do the same. I hope to write someday about my transition, thanks girl! MissAlmost

Chessie, you have written a wonderful letter here. I wish you all the best in your transition. May it bring you peace and happiness.

Chessie, you have written a wonderful letter here. I wish you all the best in your transition. May it bring you peace and happiness.

thank you for that, my friend is going through a somewhat similar problem in his life and it is nice to have some insight on the difficulties that we don't realize others have to go through. you are extrememly courageous. good luck!

WOW what a brutally brave story to write and it makes me even prouder to know you. I, personally do not know any transgengdered people, but recently Barbara Walters did an amzing special on the topic. I have never cared about a person's sexual identity, quite frankly it doesn't make them better or worse than anyone else. The only thing i can say is that until you understood your own truth it must have been incredibly painful trying to understand why you felt so different from your peers. Like you, I look forward to when you can physically alter your body so it truly matches your mind and your true identity. Your bravery in writing this story will most likely help many people, even if they know that on EP they will not be judged and that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, which i think many people might not have the guts to do so. Maybe your story will allow them to shar their expierence without the fear of judgement. BIG HUGS!!